One-way conversation

What changed? Did you learn something new about me? Did you do that play and realize I was like that spoiled rich girl and my laugh would become insufferable? I think it would be helpful for me to know. For me there were some irreconcilable differences, some things that came up about me that I needed to deal with. That didn't change the way I felt about you. I guess when we broke up it seemed like the right thing to do for now, but I didn't think it would be like this. I think it would help to understand how things changed for you, if you are willing to tell me.

Its just really hard for me to move through. I don't know what is true. I tried to be honest with you. I was too honest at times. There are things (especially negative, critical things) I wish I hadn't said. Honesty is so wierd. What I am feeling is not true most of the time, so if I honestly express whatever lie I am believing, is it truely honest? Is something honest if it is sincere, or does honesty have to do with a relationship to an objective truth?

Along the same vein, you are a good actor. You are so different now than you were before, and you are so good, that I can't tell what is real. What did you say that you meant? If something drastically changed in the way you felt about me, I guess that explains it, but overnight? Or were you acting? (Then or now?)

I guess when I broke up with you I thought it was a break. Not forever. Not broken forever, just a break.

Maybe I can be summed up still as the girl who doesn't know what she wants.

You don't have any obligation to me, you can't fix me, but I think you could help me complete the loss. I think it would help to understand. I never want something like this to happen again, and maybe you could help me.

I guess I feel really ashamed. Like I don't know how to stay in my own skin. I don't know what was true or not true (were you acting then, were you acting now, did I do something unmentionably horrible that changed things? Did I reveal something about my character that was horrible? When you look at me, am I disgusting?)

Jaim.