What I want!

First, I want to know what I want, and stop settling for instant gratification. I want to look good in a bikini. I want to love being in my skin. I want to exude feminine mystique; like Sophia Loren, Rickie Lee Jones, Biance--other confident girls I know. I want to find a place--or life--that feels like home without being confining.

I want to build some roots. I want to focus on letting Jesus' love in, and giving love to others. I want that to be enough direction when it seems like that is all Jesus is saying. When God is more specific, I don't want to miss her instruction. I want God to dethrone me, to help me put to death the parts of me that demand that I get my way all the time.

I want the ocean, a washboard stomach, to surf every day. To feel confident about the direction I am traveling, to pay attention enough to hear whispers of the Holy. I want to enjoy the sound of my feet hitting the dirt. I want to find relief for my pain. I want Ireland inside of me (solidarity, rugged acceptance to reality, bawdy earthiness, childlike astonishment, presence, pride in a culture and community, organic connection to the land.)

I want to have a relationship with the masculine--with the parts of God that are simple, strong and secure. I want to find the parts in myself that sing about sensory experiences. I want to live through my instinct, like an elephant who is strong and wise, able to protect, bonded to family. Not predator or prey. I want to be calmed by the touch of Father God, to experience his watchful eye like a lion watches an antelope with the intent to capture--God, capture the parts of me that are so good at running.

I want romance without guilt or obsession about "where we are going." I want to trust, and become vulnerable only to the extent I am able to trust and respect the other. I want to experience companionship with a peer. I want to sit on a beach and enjoy a sunset in an old 1940's bathing suit feeling completely at ease with my company. I want to slowly work through projections and find that I like the real person in front of me even better than the one I made up. I want to have a romance with an "innocent criminal"--someone who is obedient to God but not to institutions of men. I want to ride through my dreams with a fellow dreamer on a dream bicycle built for two. I want a partner whose vision fuels my creativity.

I want to "mother" in some way, but I don't really want biological children. Maybe mentoring younger people or other Christians. I want to write the rest of my life. I want to taste and see that God is good, and enjoy food too. I want my bike to go on many adventures. I want my scars to have dignity, like knots on a cypress tree. Then I want to ride bikes still when I am an old lady. I want to learn to be astonished every day. And learn to do handstand pushups.

Thats about it.