Sometimes, when I know I am obsessed with building this impressive resume I remember something my bike messenger friend told me. He doesn't believe in heaven, but he said if heaven did exist, none of the money-making jobs exist up there. There are no doctors, because no one is sick. No Lawyers, because no one needs help defending themselves. No financial planners because there is no money. No heros, idols, politicians, professional cool people, marketing executives, image consultants, life insurance agents, etc. But there are poets, artists, musicians, entertainers (not ones that we worship, just ones we can appreciate), and messengers.
I hope I can put my energy in to a job that will still exist in eternity.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Cheaper than a psyche ward
Here's how I coped with existential despair this last four hours:
One doughnut
2.5 bagels w/ cream cheese
3 McDonalds chicken selects
one chocolate chip cookie
lots of snow peas
some protien drink
1/4 of a jar of almond butter
Some coffee
6 Tapas (Spanish apetizers)
3 Sangrias
A chocolate gnoche cake
three balls of cookie dough
three bananas
One doughnut
2.5 bagels w/ cream cheese
3 McDonalds chicken selects
one chocolate chip cookie
lots of snow peas
some protien drink
1/4 of a jar of almond butter
Some coffee
6 Tapas (Spanish apetizers)
3 Sangrias
A chocolate gnoche cake
three balls of cookie dough
three bananas
Choose your own adventure #2
Once there was a girl who decided to try out for an amazing ride across country where she would recieve $3000 plus $25 per day plus airfare to ride from NYC to LA promoting bike culture. After all the candidates were weeded through, she was selected as one of the 42 participants.
She decided to accept the ride. Everyone was rooting for her. Once again, she was the hero, the adventurer, the one out in the front, seeing the world. The life she wants would be there when she got back, and she would be so fabulous! But she wasn't. Every day, she trudged on busy highways with too many people that she didn't want to be with. Sure, meeting new people was exciting, but this younger crowd of inflated idealists who loved vodka, thought bikes would change the world, and wanted to convert souls to vegan hipster ideals didn't appreciate her. She didn't get to blog the adventure, missed her friends and commmunity, and in the end came back broken and tired. Food was out of control, and she felt more lost then ever. THE END.
or.
She decided to accept the ride. Even though she put some things on the line, like a new relationship, a seminary class, time for art and writing, and a relaxing, fun, colorado summer, she came to believe that she made the right decision. The people she met on the ride were hungry for something different. They wanted to hear about Jesus, and the kind of life he led. They wanted to change the world, but some, like her, came to believe that they first had to be willing to change themselves. Together with her new friends, the group formed a community committed to personal growth, inner work, and living a story of redemption. She was so excited about her experience she couldn't wait to get back and tell her friends about it. Her friends and boyfriend were excited to hear her stories, and the blog she wrote was so amazing that all who read it demanded the book...
Or.
She decided not to accept the ride. As soon as she made the decision, she knew it was all downhill from there. She ate chocolate every day and quickly gained all the weight that she just lost in the "Biggest Loser" competition at school (even though most of the weight she supposedly lost was water weight since she drank diet tea, did a fast, and didn't eat for two days before the last weigh-in) She wallowed in self-pity all summer, was bitchy to everyone who cared about her, and alienated all those who tried to comfort her. She didn't write or do art all summer because she was too depressed. Sara couldnt' go to New York after all, and her boyfriend was unable to afford LA, so she didn't even leave her house. She became desperate for movement so she became broke buying self-help books off the internet. In the end she couldn't pay rent, became a homeless street begger, and died of a broken heart.
or.
She decided not to accept the ride. She became determined to make something more of her summer than give two months of her life to some canned marketing concept vodka promotion. She remembered a refrain from a song she once heard; "Where you're laughed while you abstain and your cursed while you give in, its a game thats impossible to beat; but a peaceful refrain God will sing in your brain when you put the nails to your hands and your feet." She knew if she kept dwelling on the decision she already made, she would make herself crazy, and that she just had to let a part of her die. Not the adventurist, just the fearful, competitive adventurist. The part that had to be the most adventurous. The part that already rode across country but needed to do it again, because this one girl she knew was doing it, and she needed something to show for her summer. Or the part that had to climb all the fourteeners even though she really didn't care about fourteeners. She knew that if she wrote a book this summer--even if she didn't get it published, she had something to be proud of. If she created some things she would not only learn some new skills, but she could recreate herself--finding new aspects of her identity to live out. She remembered some lessons she had already learned. Last summer, she was gone the whole time, and learned that it was ok to stay home and have micro-adventures, and it was a whole lot more renewing. She learned from two months at the monestary that you didn't need to be on some epic quest to grow spiritually. She learned that just because you are chosen for something (she was chosen to go to the Air Force Academy on exchange, and sky dive) you don't have to accept (it was the worst semester she has ever had. She learned from traveling through Ireland that even if she was in the most amazing place, the ride can be miserable when she was with people who didn't care about each other (Incidentally one traveling partner would be going on this cross-country ride.) Even if she failed to find a way to make money this summer that incorporated her desires and talents, she had savings and she would take out some loans. She knew she was taken care of, and the decision she made reflected her desire to invest in loving others, and not fearfully protecting her own self interests.
She decided to accept the ride. Everyone was rooting for her. Once again, she was the hero, the adventurer, the one out in the front, seeing the world. The life she wants would be there when she got back, and she would be so fabulous! But she wasn't. Every day, she trudged on busy highways with too many people that she didn't want to be with. Sure, meeting new people was exciting, but this younger crowd of inflated idealists who loved vodka, thought bikes would change the world, and wanted to convert souls to vegan hipster ideals didn't appreciate her. She didn't get to blog the adventure, missed her friends and commmunity, and in the end came back broken and tired. Food was out of control, and she felt more lost then ever. THE END.
or.
She decided to accept the ride. Even though she put some things on the line, like a new relationship, a seminary class, time for art and writing, and a relaxing, fun, colorado summer, she came to believe that she made the right decision. The people she met on the ride were hungry for something different. They wanted to hear about Jesus, and the kind of life he led. They wanted to change the world, but some, like her, came to believe that they first had to be willing to change themselves. Together with her new friends, the group formed a community committed to personal growth, inner work, and living a story of redemption. She was so excited about her experience she couldn't wait to get back and tell her friends about it. Her friends and boyfriend were excited to hear her stories, and the blog she wrote was so amazing that all who read it demanded the book...
Or.
She decided not to accept the ride. As soon as she made the decision, she knew it was all downhill from there. She ate chocolate every day and quickly gained all the weight that she just lost in the "Biggest Loser" competition at school (even though most of the weight she supposedly lost was water weight since she drank diet tea, did a fast, and didn't eat for two days before the last weigh-in) She wallowed in self-pity all summer, was bitchy to everyone who cared about her, and alienated all those who tried to comfort her. She didn't write or do art all summer because she was too depressed. Sara couldnt' go to New York after all, and her boyfriend was unable to afford LA, so she didn't even leave her house. She became desperate for movement so she became broke buying self-help books off the internet. In the end she couldn't pay rent, became a homeless street begger, and died of a broken heart.
or.
She decided not to accept the ride. She became determined to make something more of her summer than give two months of her life to some canned marketing concept vodka promotion. She remembered a refrain from a song she once heard; "Where you're laughed while you abstain and your cursed while you give in, its a game thats impossible to beat; but a peaceful refrain God will sing in your brain when you put the nails to your hands and your feet." She knew if she kept dwelling on the decision she already made, she would make herself crazy, and that she just had to let a part of her die. Not the adventurist, just the fearful, competitive adventurist. The part that had to be the most adventurous. The part that already rode across country but needed to do it again, because this one girl she knew was doing it, and she needed something to show for her summer. Or the part that had to climb all the fourteeners even though she really didn't care about fourteeners. She knew that if she wrote a book this summer--even if she didn't get it published, she had something to be proud of. If she created some things she would not only learn some new skills, but she could recreate herself--finding new aspects of her identity to live out. She remembered some lessons she had already learned. Last summer, she was gone the whole time, and learned that it was ok to stay home and have micro-adventures, and it was a whole lot more renewing. She learned from two months at the monestary that you didn't need to be on some epic quest to grow spiritually. She learned that just because you are chosen for something (she was chosen to go to the Air Force Academy on exchange, and sky dive) you don't have to accept (it was the worst semester she has ever had. She learned from traveling through Ireland that even if she was in the most amazing place, the ride can be miserable when she was with people who didn't care about each other (Incidentally one traveling partner would be going on this cross-country ride.) Even if she failed to find a way to make money this summer that incorporated her desires and talents, she had savings and she would take out some loans. She knew she was taken care of, and the decision she made reflected her desire to invest in loving others, and not fearfully protecting her own self interests.
My Identity: A Test
All my life I have felt intense wanderlust. When I was little I would stare out my bedroom window, singing a song about the sea:
"Out of my window, looking in the night,
I can see those barges flickering light.
Silently flows the river to the sea
as the barges too flow silently."
Barges!
I would like to go with you,
I would like to sail the Ocean blue.
Barges!
Is there treasure in your hold,
do you fight with pirates brave and bold?"
I loved travel from an early age. I went to the naval academy so I could live a life of constant adventure, fight pirates, and become a woman warrior. I stayed at the Naval Academy long after I should have because I got accepted to the Air Force Academy and would have the chance to jump out of planes, and fly planes. I became a bike messenger, so I could get paid for riding my bike. I have tried out for survivor, and attempted to get a job for six months as the care taker at an island reef. Last summer, my first summer off as a teacher, I planned every day but five days away from my house.
This summer, I was looking forward to mini-escapes, time with Boyfriend and friends, a church camping trip, and writing and doing art. Then I found out about this ride from New York City to LA this summer for two months. The ride promoted some bike film festivals, as well as advertized for vodka company. It payed $3000 plus $25 per day, as well as $800 airfare. I was excited! I had a chance, once again, to get paid for riding my bike. I was already going to NYC with Sara and LA with Boyfriend this summer; now I would get my Airfare paid. The were looking for bloggers--I could blog all the way across country. I could send post cards, right?
But I didn't feel settled about it. Its not that I thought I wouldn't have a relationship when I got back--I wasn't afraid of boyfriend and I breaking up--but I was afraid that I would be setting up a trend of making selfish decisions. It felt overly-ambitious. Even though I feel a sense of community and purpose here, it felt like a chance to get ahead, make a name for myself, make some money, in a cheap way--one that is not in line with where I am going. I know there is a story there, but I know that I have a story here too--and I picked the characters. I could still go to NYC with Sara, and LA with Boyfriend, and they were all about me going, but it didn't seem like they really meant it.
The more people I asked, the more confusing it got. This guy who own's my favorite Argentinian restaurant illustrates my friend's responses. One time I asked him, do you Tango? He said, "Of course not!". I came in at 2:00 in the morning and and asked him, "do you serve coffee this late?" He said, "Of course!" His answers are completely extreme and unpredictible to me! The same with everyone I asked about this decision. My parents said, "Of course you should go!" My 12-step friend said, "Its a no-brainer! Don't go!" Boyfriend and Sara said, "Definitely!" Even though I don't believe they meant it.
I met my friend Jo yesterday and went to the salvage yard to look for art treasures. I picked up some cool old windows, and we talked. Jo asked me some questions about the ride. I told her that there was no way I could refuse it if it was offered to me. I also told her that I didn't think I was really powerless over food. I told her if I got the gig, that was my decision--it was made up for me.
Today, I woke up and read Matthew 27. It has the story with Pontius Pilate. You know, he didn't really want to be involved with Jesus' death, but he didn't really want to make a decision. In the end, he was still culpible for crucifying Christ. I didn't really want to go on the ride, but I didn't believe I could turn it down...what sane, jobless, bike-loving, wanna-be famous blogger would? I didn't know what decision to make, but I knew I needed to take responsibility for it. I also read about Judas Iscariot. Maybe he wasn't truely evil. Maybe he just wanted to be in control--he wanted to force Jesus' hand, and make him do something different, more fabulous. Well he changed his mind, and it was too late. The moment passed, Jesus was going to die, he was responsible, and he couldn't take it back.
Ahh I killed Jesus!
No, really, what I was thinking about was how I can't do this ride expecting to undo the consequences it may cause. Its not like me and Boyfriendd would break up, but it would cause some strain. Its not like I wouldn't be a part of my church community, but I would not get the time back that we would share together. Its not that I would never do art, but i wouldn't do art now.
So I prayed a little, ate two bagels, a doughnut, and an lb of chocolate and decided that I needed to turn it down. Then I cried for an hour, called my parents, and hung up on them when they didn't give me unconditional positive support, left a message with my boyfriend, told Deter that I didn't want to talk, and when he asked if we would keep in touch I said that we would not. I was a terrible teacher all day, and even left school early. I sweared uncontrollibly, and even debated calling them back. I was numb enough from overeating not to feel the intensity of the demons on my shoulder, my back, reminding me that I will end up normal, average, sitting in front of a TV or X-box, watching sports, having kids (God forbid!) eating ice cream, and living in the suburbs--but i could still hear their muffled laughter.
My messenger frenemy, a girl who simply doesn't like me, got the gig. I don't think there was a competition on my part, but it feals like I lost. Like the psalm that says "I stumbled when my eyes followed the wicked to their riches.." I am not saying she is wicked. Its more like, I am trying to do the right thing but I see the rewards of the other choice slipping out of my fingers and given to another girl, someone who abhores me and the way I do things. It wasn't about her, but it may have been a little about keeping up with her, and everyone else who is doing fabulous things.
I guess I chose community over competition, intuitive sense of purpose over compulsive adventure-seeking, unknown blessing over obvious prosperity, commitment to future purpose instead of one last fling of youth. It seemed like the "right" decision. Then why do I feel so crappy (other then the 5000 calories of carbs that I ate?) Even if I did make the right decision, what I do now could still screw it up. If I go from here into self-destructive indulgence, self-pity, regret and defensive exploding at anyone who asks me about it, that is probably not going to work out for me. If I can believe that there is something in this, that somehow, God will reward what I believed was the first decision I have made to choose the less glamerous route, then maybe I have a chance...
"Out of my window, looking in the night,
I can see those barges flickering light.
Silently flows the river to the sea
as the barges too flow silently."
Barges!
I would like to go with you,
I would like to sail the Ocean blue.
Barges!
Is there treasure in your hold,
do you fight with pirates brave and bold?"
I loved travel from an early age. I went to the naval academy so I could live a life of constant adventure, fight pirates, and become a woman warrior. I stayed at the Naval Academy long after I should have because I got accepted to the Air Force Academy and would have the chance to jump out of planes, and fly planes. I became a bike messenger, so I could get paid for riding my bike. I have tried out for survivor, and attempted to get a job for six months as the care taker at an island reef. Last summer, my first summer off as a teacher, I planned every day but five days away from my house.
This summer, I was looking forward to mini-escapes, time with Boyfriend and friends, a church camping trip, and writing and doing art. Then I found out about this ride from New York City to LA this summer for two months. The ride promoted some bike film festivals, as well as advertized for vodka company. It payed $3000 plus $25 per day, as well as $800 airfare. I was excited! I had a chance, once again, to get paid for riding my bike. I was already going to NYC with Sara and LA with Boyfriend this summer; now I would get my Airfare paid. The were looking for bloggers--I could blog all the way across country. I could send post cards, right?
But I didn't feel settled about it. Its not that I thought I wouldn't have a relationship when I got back--I wasn't afraid of boyfriend and I breaking up--but I was afraid that I would be setting up a trend of making selfish decisions. It felt overly-ambitious. Even though I feel a sense of community and purpose here, it felt like a chance to get ahead, make a name for myself, make some money, in a cheap way--one that is not in line with where I am going. I know there is a story there, but I know that I have a story here too--and I picked the characters. I could still go to NYC with Sara, and LA with Boyfriend, and they were all about me going, but it didn't seem like they really meant it.
The more people I asked, the more confusing it got. This guy who own's my favorite Argentinian restaurant illustrates my friend's responses. One time I asked him, do you Tango? He said, "Of course not!". I came in at 2:00 in the morning and and asked him, "do you serve coffee this late?" He said, "Of course!" His answers are completely extreme and unpredictible to me! The same with everyone I asked about this decision. My parents said, "Of course you should go!" My 12-step friend said, "Its a no-brainer! Don't go!" Boyfriend and Sara said, "Definitely!" Even though I don't believe they meant it.
I met my friend Jo yesterday and went to the salvage yard to look for art treasures. I picked up some cool old windows, and we talked. Jo asked me some questions about the ride. I told her that there was no way I could refuse it if it was offered to me. I also told her that I didn't think I was really powerless over food. I told her if I got the gig, that was my decision--it was made up for me.
Today, I woke up and read Matthew 27. It has the story with Pontius Pilate. You know, he didn't really want to be involved with Jesus' death, but he didn't really want to make a decision. In the end, he was still culpible for crucifying Christ. I didn't really want to go on the ride, but I didn't believe I could turn it down...what sane, jobless, bike-loving, wanna-be famous blogger would? I didn't know what decision to make, but I knew I needed to take responsibility for it. I also read about Judas Iscariot. Maybe he wasn't truely evil. Maybe he just wanted to be in control--he wanted to force Jesus' hand, and make him do something different, more fabulous. Well he changed his mind, and it was too late. The moment passed, Jesus was going to die, he was responsible, and he couldn't take it back.
Ahh I killed Jesus!
No, really, what I was thinking about was how I can't do this ride expecting to undo the consequences it may cause. Its not like me and Boyfriendd would break up, but it would cause some strain. Its not like I wouldn't be a part of my church community, but I would not get the time back that we would share together. Its not that I would never do art, but i wouldn't do art now.
So I prayed a little, ate two bagels, a doughnut, and an lb of chocolate and decided that I needed to turn it down. Then I cried for an hour, called my parents, and hung up on them when they didn't give me unconditional positive support, left a message with my boyfriend, told Deter that I didn't want to talk, and when he asked if we would keep in touch I said that we would not. I was a terrible teacher all day, and even left school early. I sweared uncontrollibly, and even debated calling them back. I was numb enough from overeating not to feel the intensity of the demons on my shoulder, my back, reminding me that I will end up normal, average, sitting in front of a TV or X-box, watching sports, having kids (God forbid!) eating ice cream, and living in the suburbs--but i could still hear their muffled laughter.
My messenger frenemy, a girl who simply doesn't like me, got the gig. I don't think there was a competition on my part, but it feals like I lost. Like the psalm that says "I stumbled when my eyes followed the wicked to their riches.." I am not saying she is wicked. Its more like, I am trying to do the right thing but I see the rewards of the other choice slipping out of my fingers and given to another girl, someone who abhores me and the way I do things. It wasn't about her, but it may have been a little about keeping up with her, and everyone else who is doing fabulous things.
I guess I chose community over competition, intuitive sense of purpose over compulsive adventure-seeking, unknown blessing over obvious prosperity, commitment to future purpose instead of one last fling of youth. It seemed like the "right" decision. Then why do I feel so crappy (other then the 5000 calories of carbs that I ate?) Even if I did make the right decision, what I do now could still screw it up. If I go from here into self-destructive indulgence, self-pity, regret and defensive exploding at anyone who asks me about it, that is probably not going to work out for me. If I can believe that there is something in this, that somehow, God will reward what I believed was the first decision I have made to choose the less glamerous route, then maybe I have a chance...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ambivalence vs. Indifference
Ambivalence is a tug of war
Do I live the adventure or build roots?
Tension, energy, pulling, dynamic, forcing
Should I eat chocolate or not?
Two would-be friends fight to death
Child Jaimie and Parent Jaimie stage warfare
Frenemys; needy, loving, hating
I hated some teachers and messengers I worked with because I needed understanding.
the pro-con list grows ad infinitum
The more I think about it the deeper I sink in the mire of indecision
Damned if I do, Damned if I don't
Whatever I pick destroys the possibility of experiencing the other
One win spells another's loss
I cant get what I want without taking it from someone else
bipolar, roller coaster
When I ask advice, one friend says, "Absolutely!" and the other, "Absolutely not!"
Swinging from a ten to a one.
I can be so sure of Gods love, but unconvinced of his goodness.
Stuck between duty and longing...
The identity of a gypsy philosopher or a loved community member.
Indifference is a balanced scale.
It doesn't matter what we do on my birthday
Static, effortless, detached, observing
I am interested in your thoughts, since I can't really pinpoint mine.
A sensible judge, free from bias
It doesn't matter whether my we go to the movies or stay home tonight.
acquaintences, cohabiting, small talk
I'm not sure I care if I see most people I have spent this year with again.
A flipped coin calls the shots
I am ok with moving to LA or living in Denver.
There are no winners, no losers.
The incentive to run another marathon just isn't there, but if you're game, I am.
I just don't give a damn.
It doesn't bother me that my ring finger is permanently crooked.
A Flatlined, uncommitted shrug
Like I felt when I looked at all Jimmy's facebook pics
Lukewarm--the perfect five
Cant seem to put in the effort to make the change.
Comfortably numb
Seeing both directions as paths with consequences--not good/bad, right/wrong, just different.
Do I live the adventure or build roots?
Tension, energy, pulling, dynamic, forcing
Should I eat chocolate or not?
Two would-be friends fight to death
Child Jaimie and Parent Jaimie stage warfare
Frenemys; needy, loving, hating
I hated some teachers and messengers I worked with because I needed understanding.
the pro-con list grows ad infinitum
The more I think about it the deeper I sink in the mire of indecision
Damned if I do, Damned if I don't
Whatever I pick destroys the possibility of experiencing the other
One win spells another's loss
I cant get what I want without taking it from someone else
bipolar, roller coaster
When I ask advice, one friend says, "Absolutely!" and the other, "Absolutely not!"
Swinging from a ten to a one.
I can be so sure of Gods love, but unconvinced of his goodness.
Stuck between duty and longing...
The identity of a gypsy philosopher or a loved community member.
Indifference is a balanced scale.
It doesn't matter what we do on my birthday
Static, effortless, detached, observing
I am interested in your thoughts, since I can't really pinpoint mine.
A sensible judge, free from bias
It doesn't matter whether my we go to the movies or stay home tonight.
acquaintences, cohabiting, small talk
I'm not sure I care if I see most people I have spent this year with again.
A flipped coin calls the shots
I am ok with moving to LA or living in Denver.
There are no winners, no losers.
The incentive to run another marathon just isn't there, but if you're game, I am.
I just don't give a damn.
It doesn't bother me that my ring finger is permanently crooked.
A Flatlined, uncommitted shrug
Like I felt when I looked at all Jimmy's facebook pics
Lukewarm--the perfect five
Cant seem to put in the effort to make the change.
Comfortably numb
Seeing both directions as paths with consequences--not good/bad, right/wrong, just different.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Walking Contradiction, Partly Truth and Partly Fiction.
dThats a line from a Kris Kristopherson song. Man its true about me right now. I had a mentally taxing day yestersday. This ride I heard about really got under my skin. http://bicyclefilmfestival.com/2009_site/images/flyers/bike_flyer04.jpg
Its a two-month ride across country, starting in NYC and ending up in LA. I was going to be in NYC and LA this summer. This ride pays $25 a day, plus $3000, plus airfare. It seems too good to be true! My dream gig!
But it means no road trip with boyfriend, no NYC time with Sara, no camping trip with John, no time for art.
I think it ended up hitting some identity issues for me. Am I this adventurous gypsy biker? A rooted, committed community member? A girlfriend, a hipster missionary? A faithful friend that doesn't back out of plans with friend because a better offer comes along? A scared, jobless girl that doesn't want to pass up a money-making opportunity? An opportunist who sees a story? Do I want to spend the summer with people I don't know, and lose the opportunity to deepen relationships with people I care about? Then again, I will meet new, exciting people, participate in an amazing adventure, and have an opportunity to write about 42 new personalities, two months worth of new locations, and 3500 miles of new scenery. Plus, I do not want to struggle with money all school year, and I have a way to make some money this summer that I would enjoy doing! Do I want to go to NYC and LA on my terms on my dime, or on someone elses terms, on someone elses dime? In the end I decided to throw my name in the hat. I am really excited about the opportunity, but at the same time, its hard to weigh against my other thoughts. Sometimes I feel "partly fiction." What I wrote:
Wow,
I heard about your ride, and I am all set to go! I am 29 years old and live in Denver CO. So far my life has been one big adventure! I grew up in rural Oregon where I participated in Future Farmers of America (I was on the milk tasting team, the soil-judging team, the welding team, and farm debating!) I went to the Naval Academy, lead Marines in War, got out, and became a bike messenger for 3 years in downtown Denver. My messenger career culminated in winning the Bike Messenger World Championships in Dublin, Ireland (I attached a podium pic!). I then decided to teach Math at the worst high school in Colorado for a year. Then I tried middle school. This whole time I have been working with a writing coach and harboring a desire to become a professional writer. Check out some of my blogs http://jaimieandchristiegotomexico.blogspot.com/, http://subtleredemptionstory.blogspot.com/.
I have traveled all over the world, living for extended periods of time in Africa, Kuwait, Papua New Guinea, and Italy. I have ridden my bike across country once before, unsupported, in a month from the coast of Oregon to Boston with a friend after college. I have traveled the Pacific Coast Highway, rode 1800 miles through Mexico (see blog above), and have done numerous small tours around the East Coast. I have been carless for about 3 years, and never plan on owning a vehicle again.
My bike is a custom Merlin with S&S couplers. Its my dream bike! I have road triple chain ring on the front, and a mountain bike cog in the back, juicy disk brakes with a wound up fork in the front....Its an extention of my body. I go everywhere with that thing!
I have already rode across country, and I have been in the "scene" for a while. Why would I want to do the ride this summer? Oddly enough, I already planned to be in NYC in June, and in LA in August. I would love the opportunty to write and ride all summer. Getting to know 42 new bike enthusiasts sounds like a blast, and living in a tent is fun for me (I have lived about 2.5 years of my life in a tent or vehicle :) ). I would love to chronicle the journey, and look forward to the opportunity to spread bicycle love!!
Respectfully,
Jaimie
Its a two-month ride across country, starting in NYC and ending up in LA. I was going to be in NYC and LA this summer. This ride pays $25 a day, plus $3000, plus airfare. It seems too good to be true! My dream gig!
But it means no road trip with boyfriend, no NYC time with Sara, no camping trip with John, no time for art.
I think it ended up hitting some identity issues for me. Am I this adventurous gypsy biker? A rooted, committed community member? A girlfriend, a hipster missionary? A faithful friend that doesn't back out of plans with friend because a better offer comes along? A scared, jobless girl that doesn't want to pass up a money-making opportunity? An opportunist who sees a story? Do I want to spend the summer with people I don't know, and lose the opportunity to deepen relationships with people I care about? Then again, I will meet new, exciting people, participate in an amazing adventure, and have an opportunity to write about 42 new personalities, two months worth of new locations, and 3500 miles of new scenery. Plus, I do not want to struggle with money all school year, and I have a way to make some money this summer that I would enjoy doing! Do I want to go to NYC and LA on my terms on my dime, or on someone elses terms, on someone elses dime? In the end I decided to throw my name in the hat. I am really excited about the opportunity, but at the same time, its hard to weigh against my other thoughts. Sometimes I feel "partly fiction." What I wrote:
Wow,
I heard about your ride, and I am all set to go! I am 29 years old and live in Denver CO. So far my life has been one big adventure! I grew up in rural Oregon where I participated in Future Farmers of America (I was on the milk tasting team, the soil-judging team, the welding team, and farm debating!) I went to the Naval Academy, lead Marines in War, got out, and became a bike messenger for 3 years in downtown Denver. My messenger career culminated in winning the Bike Messenger World Championships in Dublin, Ireland (I attached a podium pic!). I then decided to teach Math at the worst high school in Colorado for a year. Then I tried middle school. This whole time I have been working with a writing coach and harboring a desire to become a professional writer. Check out some of my blogs http://jaimieandchristiegotomexico.blogspot.com/, http://subtleredemptionstory.blogspot.com/.
I have traveled all over the world, living for extended periods of time in Africa, Kuwait, Papua New Guinea, and Italy. I have ridden my bike across country once before, unsupported, in a month from the coast of Oregon to Boston with a friend after college. I have traveled the Pacific Coast Highway, rode 1800 miles through Mexico (see blog above), and have done numerous small tours around the East Coast. I have been carless for about 3 years, and never plan on owning a vehicle again.
My bike is a custom Merlin with S&S couplers. Its my dream bike! I have road triple chain ring on the front, and a mountain bike cog in the back, juicy disk brakes with a wound up fork in the front....Its an extention of my body. I go everywhere with that thing!
I have already rode across country, and I have been in the "scene" for a while. Why would I want to do the ride this summer? Oddly enough, I already planned to be in NYC in June, and in LA in August. I would love the opportunty to write and ride all summer. Getting to know 42 new bike enthusiasts sounds like a blast, and living in a tent is fun for me (I have lived about 2.5 years of my life in a tent or vehicle :) ). I would love to chronicle the journey, and look forward to the opportunity to spread bicycle love!!
Respectfully,
Jaimie
Saturday, May 23, 2009
I was in a wierd place when woke up, because I found the "dream" gig, where I could get paid $3000 plus airfare plus $25 a day to ride my bike from NYC to LA this summer with a group of cyclists. One requirement is that I blogged every day. I am so drawn to these "gigs". But I know that there are things in my life that are good (that are going to cost $$$$$) that I want to do. This thing would be from June 26-August 21. Two months! I would miss my road trip with Boyfriend, time with Boyfriend, my camping trip with my church, NYC with Sara....if i went I would be surrounded by partying hipsters I wouldn't want to spend my time with...is it really my dream or am i just compulsively drawn to epicness?
I was thinking about this when I read the parable about the wedding banquet in Matthew 22. The king prepares this wedding banquet for his son. When he goes to get people, they are busy with stuff. To busy with weeding the graden, working the shop, etc. I hope I am able to recognize what God wants me to do! I hope I don't miss the party! I know ultimately life is about love, and I spending time with people I love and who love me is more important than an epic life, making money, finding my own piece of fame and fortune. Plus, I have already rode my bike across country, and won bike messenger world championships. As important as those things seemed to me, they didn't bring the peace, clarity, sense of purpose I desired.
A good reminder--love God with all my heart, soul and mind. The Message says with all my passion, prayer and intelligence...and love my neighbor as myself. My life becomes about so many other things!!
I was thinking about this when I read the parable about the wedding banquet in Matthew 22. The king prepares this wedding banquet for his son. When he goes to get people, they are busy with stuff. To busy with weeding the graden, working the shop, etc. I hope I am able to recognize what God wants me to do! I hope I don't miss the party! I know ultimately life is about love, and I spending time with people I love and who love me is more important than an epic life, making money, finding my own piece of fame and fortune. Plus, I have already rode my bike across country, and won bike messenger world championships. As important as those things seemed to me, they didn't bring the peace, clarity, sense of purpose I desired.
A good reminder--love God with all my heart, soul and mind. The Message says with all my passion, prayer and intelligence...and love my neighbor as myself. My life becomes about so many other things!!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Like a Child
Matthew 18:1-5 At about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, "Who gets the highest rank in God's kingdom?"
For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me. 6-7"But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you'll soon wish you hadn't. You'd be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse—and it's doomsday to you if you do.
I like the idea of becoming like a child, returning to the simple and
elemental. I have talked a lot to Pastor John about Jungian stuff, and the idea of the "kingdom within." There are "little children" in all of us. They are trusting and simple, but also demanding, undisciplined, unruley, needy. This nun at the monastery told me that instead of yelling at those parts you need to say, "Come here, I love you, your mine." But then you need to teach them what they are doing to the grown up parts of you, and show them a different way to meet their needs. But if you reject or ignore those parts of you, you will hear from them again, in a gygantic tantrum...cause that's what kids do. If you were indoctrinated into a kind of belief systemd that taught you to have a strict internal parent who didn't tolerate any deviations from this forward march to church-defined maturity, than any need to play, to be immature, to explore, to be like a kid, was stifled. Maybe you werent' rebelling against goodness, or God, but against the internal parent that was telling your internal kid, "Be more useful!" "You don't have time to create, daydream, explore." "Grow up, stop being immature!" "Stop whining!" "Go to your room!" "Memorize your bible verses!", "You don't have time to play!" "Clean your room!" "Do your chores."
For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me. 6-7"But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you'll soon wish you hadn't. You'd be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse—and it's doomsday to you if you do.
I like the idea of becoming like a child, returning to the simple and
elemental. I have talked a lot to Pastor John about Jungian stuff, and the idea of the "kingdom within." There are "little children" in all of us. They are trusting and simple, but also demanding, undisciplined, unruley, needy. This nun at the monastery told me that instead of yelling at those parts you need to say, "Come here, I love you, your mine." But then you need to teach them what they are doing to the grown up parts of you, and show them a different way to meet their needs. But if you reject or ignore those parts of you, you will hear from them again, in a gygantic tantrum...cause that's what kids do. If you were indoctrinated into a kind of belief systemd that taught you to have a strict internal parent who didn't tolerate any deviations from this forward march to church-defined maturity, than any need to play, to be immature, to explore, to be like a kid, was stifled. Maybe you werent' rebelling against goodness, or God, but against the internal parent that was telling your internal kid, "Be more useful!" "You don't have time to create, daydream, explore." "Grow up, stop being immature!" "Stop whining!" "Go to your room!" "Memorize your bible verses!", "You don't have time to play!" "Clean your room!" "Do your chores."
Consolation Prize
Last wednesday, I was in some huge unrest. I had a busy day. School, than rush down to Wash park and walk with my Reverend friend from OA, then Bible Study with the church plus Boyfriend and Sara. My bike felt like it was falling apart too, so I took it to the shop and dropped it off before I met my friend. The bike shop said they could fix it while I walked with my friend, so I left it there, and walked to wholefoods where I walked in a trance to the freshly baked cookies, bought one and ate it on my way the park where I met my portly, happy Overeaters Anonymous friend.
Rev:What do you think I can help you with?
ME: I don't know.
Rev: What are you passionate about.
Me: Nothing, really, I am ambivolent about everything.
Rev: Are you passionate about the guy you are with?
Me: Well, as much as I am about anything, he's great.
Rev: Could you marry him?
Me: (flippantly) Why not?
Rev: (sarcastically) That sounds like a solid foundation.
Me: Look, I don't know what I want. I am ambivolent about everything. Theres nothing I know I should do, know I should pursue. I am not that excited about anything. Like a big, dumb ox, I just keep my head down and trudge through, able to pull heavy loads mindlessly around to the next commitment, then next phase. There is a song by They Might Be Giants with a line in it that says "Now I'm gone and I'm dead and I havent done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do." So I guess thats my dirge I sing.
Rev: Fascinating.
Me: (Wryly) yah.
Then I walked to the bike shop, frustrated I didn't have time for another chocolate chip cookie, but consoling myself that I could get one on the way to the bible study.
My bike wasn't ready, but Eric worked past closing to get it done, and then invited me for a drink. At first I accepted but realized that I had no time, so I postponed, not remembering that I had resolved not to drink anymore.
On the way to the bible study, Boyfriend called and canceled, and Sara called and canceled. I didn't have time for a pastry. By the time I got to the Bible study I was full of black thoughts. I slung my ball cap low around my eyes, and let the crew know I was in no mood for extra attention.
We opened up with prayer, and started in Luke. Luke starts off with an explanation about how Luke came to write the book. He was not a first-hand witness, but he interviewed all the men and women who knew Jesus first-hand and picked out the pieces he thought were important.
John: If you were writing the Bible, what is the top story you definitely would include?
Hal: I would definitely include Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane. Thats the most real, human moment Jesus had. He was begging God not to have to die on the cross. That was powerful!
Pastor Peg: I think I would put in the story about Jesus going to the tombs and healing the mad man would have to be in there. That guy wanted to follow Jesus but Jesus told him to stay there, he had a mission right there. I think we all have a special mission.
Greg: I like the story about the woman touching the cloak and getting healed. It means that the power to heal wasnt' just in Jesus, it was all around.
Me: I guess the story of the prodical son. I can't seem to find the middle. I am either the the prodical on a grateful return from my own self-will, or I am a ungrateful, obedient older son, trudging along dutifully, but not really happy.
John: my favorite was the story about Jesus coming in the clouds. thats neat. Next question: Lets say there is this giant, hypathetical Bible that includes all of our stories. What one story in your life would definitely make the books?
Josh: Well, I used to go on walks in Alaska, and my mom told me God was walking with me, and I think he was.
Me: I don't want to be in the book.
Sara: well you have to say something!
Me: Ok, once there was a girl who didn't want to play the game, and then she died, and finally understood what the point of this whole charade was. (start crying)
Sara: When I met Pat. It was a blind date! I was not interested in meeting him. THe first time we went out it went really badly. But somehow, we grew on each other, and it has been the biggest blessing!
Kevin: When I married Katherine. I didn't realize there was a woman so perfect for me, that could make me this happy. Now I experience God's goodness every day through her.
Pastor Peg: Well, you know, I wander these streets, and I see all the addicts, and I preach in the dark alleys. The first time I heard God, I was walking by the mission, you know where everyone does crack? It was late at night. I passed some men I knew, smoking a crack pipe. They said, Pastor Peggy, don't go down that way, its not safe. But I told them, "The Lord is my protection." As I walked through an impound lot, it was very dark and no one was around. I heard the lord speak: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me." Now, I have heard that voice comforting me dozens of times.
George: I finally learned to love myself. After 52 years of hating myself, I finally learned to love myself. I am still fucked up, but I realized that I really did love myself. That has helped me to accept God's love, and to love others.
Hal: Well, you have to know, John and his share questions were a big part of my conversion story. I wouldn't have been able to accept Christ if it wasn't for John's stories. One day, I wrote a man a check, but realized if he cashed it it would bounce. I went to him and asked him to hold off until payday, and he refuzed. I thought this guy was my friend! I didn't have a phone so I went down to the 7-11 and used the payphone. I called my bank to see if there was anything they could do for me. They put me on hold for a very long time. Rage started to overcome me. When I get in a rage things are going to get ugly quick. I prayed, "Jesus if you are fucking real, you'd better come right now and save me from myself, because I'm fixing to get fucking ballistic!" Just then this increadible peace washed over me. My muscles relaxed, the tension in my body was gone. It was totally unexplainable except for the supernatural intervention of God. Thats all it took.
Finally the bible study ends and people try to hug me. I told everyone I didn't want their hugs and cried all the way home. Boyfriend had called. i really didn't want to talk to him or anyone else, so I tried to call when I knew I would get the machine.
Me (to machine): Boyfriend, i am calling you back, I really don't want to talk, I am inconsolable...ugh you are calling me right now, fine, I will talk.
Me (to Boyfriend): Hi, I really don't want to talk, I hate my life, I am inconsolable. I don't want to exist.
Boyfriend: Inconsolable huh?
Me: Yes. I don't want to exist. There is nothing I want more than that. Everything good in my life is just a consolation prize to what I really want which is not to exist.
Boyfriend: Jaimie there are other people who feal like this, everyone gets down.
Me: No, this is different. And I do appreciate you, but you are just a consolation prize to what I really want.
Boyfriend: Jaimie you think you are the only one who feels like this sometimes? You are not that special. You are not the most special person in the whole United States!
Me: (Suddenly my affect is completely changed...I start laughing) I am too special, I am so special!
Boyfriend: I mean your special, you are just not the most special ever. Listen, you have these fealings and you stuff them down with food. You didn't today, so they are raw, they are right in front of you. I have those fealings too but i stuff them down with pot. We are self medicating to avoid this stuff. When you feal it unencumbered by your addictions, it is strong, scary. But its not abnormal.
Me: Thanks. You hit this button..I couldn't have told you to hit it, because I didn't recognize the beleif I was holding onto. Its something they talk about in 12 step groups. Its about everyone in the meeting thinking they are uniquely flawed. Or 4's on the Enneagram thinking they are so very special. I needed your reality check.
Boyfriend: Your welcome, I love you, get some sleep!
Me: Hey.
Boyfriend: What.
Me: You are a really good consolation prize!
Boyfriend: Ha!
I wasn't too proud of my juvenile behavior but it was really good to get my dark horse of depression out of the closet with Boyfriend. Its not easy to explain what its like in that space for me, he just had to see it.
John said after I told him Boyfriend's response to me,
"Hey. Boyfriend's stock went up when you told me his response to your MELTdown. StraightFORWARD! CommonSENSE!! Strength!"
Rev:What do you think I can help you with?
ME: I don't know.
Rev: What are you passionate about.
Me: Nothing, really, I am ambivolent about everything.
Rev: Are you passionate about the guy you are with?
Me: Well, as much as I am about anything, he's great.
Rev: Could you marry him?
Me: (flippantly) Why not?
Rev: (sarcastically) That sounds like a solid foundation.
Me: Look, I don't know what I want. I am ambivolent about everything. Theres nothing I know I should do, know I should pursue. I am not that excited about anything. Like a big, dumb ox, I just keep my head down and trudge through, able to pull heavy loads mindlessly around to the next commitment, then next phase. There is a song by They Might Be Giants with a line in it that says "Now I'm gone and I'm dead and I havent done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do." So I guess thats my dirge I sing.
Rev: Fascinating.
Me: (Wryly) yah.
Then I walked to the bike shop, frustrated I didn't have time for another chocolate chip cookie, but consoling myself that I could get one on the way to the bible study.
My bike wasn't ready, but Eric worked past closing to get it done, and then invited me for a drink. At first I accepted but realized that I had no time, so I postponed, not remembering that I had resolved not to drink anymore.
On the way to the bible study, Boyfriend called and canceled, and Sara called and canceled. I didn't have time for a pastry. By the time I got to the Bible study I was full of black thoughts. I slung my ball cap low around my eyes, and let the crew know I was in no mood for extra attention.
We opened up with prayer, and started in Luke. Luke starts off with an explanation about how Luke came to write the book. He was not a first-hand witness, but he interviewed all the men and women who knew Jesus first-hand and picked out the pieces he thought were important.
John: If you were writing the Bible, what is the top story you definitely would include?
Hal: I would definitely include Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane. Thats the most real, human moment Jesus had. He was begging God not to have to die on the cross. That was powerful!
Pastor Peg: I think I would put in the story about Jesus going to the tombs and healing the mad man would have to be in there. That guy wanted to follow Jesus but Jesus told him to stay there, he had a mission right there. I think we all have a special mission.
Greg: I like the story about the woman touching the cloak and getting healed. It means that the power to heal wasnt' just in Jesus, it was all around.
Me: I guess the story of the prodical son. I can't seem to find the middle. I am either the the prodical on a grateful return from my own self-will, or I am a ungrateful, obedient older son, trudging along dutifully, but not really happy.
John: my favorite was the story about Jesus coming in the clouds. thats neat. Next question: Lets say there is this giant, hypathetical Bible that includes all of our stories. What one story in your life would definitely make the books?
Josh: Well, I used to go on walks in Alaska, and my mom told me God was walking with me, and I think he was.
Me: I don't want to be in the book.
Sara: well you have to say something!
Me: Ok, once there was a girl who didn't want to play the game, and then she died, and finally understood what the point of this whole charade was. (start crying)
Sara: When I met Pat. It was a blind date! I was not interested in meeting him. THe first time we went out it went really badly. But somehow, we grew on each other, and it has been the biggest blessing!
Kevin: When I married Katherine. I didn't realize there was a woman so perfect for me, that could make me this happy. Now I experience God's goodness every day through her.
Pastor Peg: Well, you know, I wander these streets, and I see all the addicts, and I preach in the dark alleys. The first time I heard God, I was walking by the mission, you know where everyone does crack? It was late at night. I passed some men I knew, smoking a crack pipe. They said, Pastor Peggy, don't go down that way, its not safe. But I told them, "The Lord is my protection." As I walked through an impound lot, it was very dark and no one was around. I heard the lord speak: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me." Now, I have heard that voice comforting me dozens of times.
George: I finally learned to love myself. After 52 years of hating myself, I finally learned to love myself. I am still fucked up, but I realized that I really did love myself. That has helped me to accept God's love, and to love others.
Hal: Well, you have to know, John and his share questions were a big part of my conversion story. I wouldn't have been able to accept Christ if it wasn't for John's stories. One day, I wrote a man a check, but realized if he cashed it it would bounce. I went to him and asked him to hold off until payday, and he refuzed. I thought this guy was my friend! I didn't have a phone so I went down to the 7-11 and used the payphone. I called my bank to see if there was anything they could do for me. They put me on hold for a very long time. Rage started to overcome me. When I get in a rage things are going to get ugly quick. I prayed, "Jesus if you are fucking real, you'd better come right now and save me from myself, because I'm fixing to get fucking ballistic!" Just then this increadible peace washed over me. My muscles relaxed, the tension in my body was gone. It was totally unexplainable except for the supernatural intervention of God. Thats all it took.
Finally the bible study ends and people try to hug me. I told everyone I didn't want their hugs and cried all the way home. Boyfriend had called. i really didn't want to talk to him or anyone else, so I tried to call when I knew I would get the machine.
Me (to machine): Boyfriend, i am calling you back, I really don't want to talk, I am inconsolable...ugh you are calling me right now, fine, I will talk.
Me (to Boyfriend): Hi, I really don't want to talk, I hate my life, I am inconsolable. I don't want to exist.
Boyfriend: Inconsolable huh?
Me: Yes. I don't want to exist. There is nothing I want more than that. Everything good in my life is just a consolation prize to what I really want which is not to exist.
Boyfriend: Jaimie there are other people who feal like this, everyone gets down.
Me: No, this is different. And I do appreciate you, but you are just a consolation prize to what I really want.
Boyfriend: Jaimie you think you are the only one who feels like this sometimes? You are not that special. You are not the most special person in the whole United States!
Me: (Suddenly my affect is completely changed...I start laughing) I am too special, I am so special!
Boyfriend: I mean your special, you are just not the most special ever. Listen, you have these fealings and you stuff them down with food. You didn't today, so they are raw, they are right in front of you. I have those fealings too but i stuff them down with pot. We are self medicating to avoid this stuff. When you feal it unencumbered by your addictions, it is strong, scary. But its not abnormal.
Me: Thanks. You hit this button..I couldn't have told you to hit it, because I didn't recognize the beleif I was holding onto. Its something they talk about in 12 step groups. Its about everyone in the meeting thinking they are uniquely flawed. Or 4's on the Enneagram thinking they are so very special. I needed your reality check.
Boyfriend: Your welcome, I love you, get some sleep!
Me: Hey.
Boyfriend: What.
Me: You are a really good consolation prize!
Boyfriend: Ha!
I wasn't too proud of my juvenile behavior but it was really good to get my dark horse of depression out of the closet with Boyfriend. Its not easy to explain what its like in that space for me, he just had to see it.
John said after I told him Boyfriend's response to me,
"Hey. Boyfriend's stock went up when you told me his response to your MELTdown. StraightFORWARD! CommonSENSE!! Strength!"
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sermon on Minahs
First: I want to talk about “holy” risk vs. unhealthy risk.
What are some “holy” risks? (The crowd answers: having children, parenting, letting yourself be known, loving people, serving people, being true to who you are, living out of your passions, facing fears, doing inner work, working through addiction. Someone said that what you do with FEAR is (Fuck Everything and RUn or Face Everything And Recover...both are risks.)
What are some unhealthy risks? (Doing drugs, running away from problems, lying, cheating, scamming people, being dangerous.)
I am not going to talk about unhealthy risks today. I am going to talk about how we venture into “holy” risk. I want to talk about Luke 19:11-27, the parable of the minahs, and what that means to me.
The Parable:
Luke 19:11-27
While there were listening to this, he went on to tell them a parable, because he was near Jerusalem and the people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear immediately. He said: “A certain well-born went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return. So he called ten of his slaves and gave them 10 minas. ‘Conduct business with this while I am gone.’
Some of his fellow citizens hated him and sent a delegation after him to say, ‘We don’t want this man to be our king.’
“He was made king, however, and returned home. Then he sent for the slaves to whom he had given the money, in order to find out what they had gained with it.
“The first one came and said, ‘Sur, your mina has earned ten minas.’
“Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’
“the second one came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned five minas.’
“His master answered, ‘You take charge of five cities.’
Then another servant came and said, ‘Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in, and reap what you did not sow.’
“His master replied, ‘I will judge you by our own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? Why then, didn’t you put my money on deposit, so that when I come back, I could have collected it with interest?’
Then he said to those standing by, ‘Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.’
“’Sir,’ they said, ‘he already has ten!’
“He replied, ‘I tell you that everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away. But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me.
Big picture:
This parable is talking about what the servants did with their money. It’s a metaphor for what we do with our lives, which includes our money. The servants are given the task of making money for their master.
There are ten servants with money, the parable talks about three. The first two did what their master asked them to do and made substantial gains, the last doesn’t even try to make money.
Luke tells us that Jesus is on the way to Jerusalem to die. Jesus was preparing disciples for his physical departure. Luke tells us people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear immediately. So the parable talks about a noble man who leaves for a while to a distant land to be appointed king, and leaves his servants behind with some orders. They were accountable to a master who will return. He is talking to the twelve disciples and what he wants them to do until he returns.
The hero:
The first and second guy were the heros, but the hero got 10 kingdoms and the “well done,” so that sounds a little better.
What did he do:
He had 1000% on his money, and gave it all to the master when he returned. We don’t know how he did it, but that is a big return. He probably wasn’t investing like the people around him, he probably did something really unique…found a market that wasn’t tapped into. Perhaps he found out the one thing that he seemed to be uniquely capable of offering the world and he did it. He probably had to put it all on the line.
"The less you gamble, the more you lose when you win.." Reminds me that everything has a cost. It’s easy to see the cost of risk, but sometimes we don’t s see the cost of safety…we lose everything we might have gained. Following our passion is risky, but getting the safe job comes with the cost of never realizing our full potential.
Last Saturday, I had some time, and did some holy wandering. I so rarely have nothing planned that the times that I do can be pretty cool. After overeaters anonymous, I went out to coffee with one of my friends from the meeting, then wandered downtown on my bike. I decided to get my bangs trimmed at the place I cut my hair. While I was waiting, I started reading this Rolling Stones magazine. I couldn’t put it down! I got my bangs trimmed and couldn’t leave the salon because I was so hooked. I finally asked if I could buy the magazine, and the salon owner told me I could just take it!
The article was about Kris Kristofferson. This guy went to Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship, became an army officer during Vietnam, went through Ranger school, became a helo pilot, taught at Wespoint, and begged to get sent over. Then he started hearing the stories. Men learning to brutally murder on command. Men pushing POWs out of helicopters and stomping on their hands when the caught the rails on the way to their deaths. He did a 180 and moved his wife (high school sweetheart) down to Nashville to become a singer-songwriter. He worked as a janitor at Columbia Studios for eight years--enough time for his wife to leave him. Somehow he was flying Helos on the weekend for some commercial firm. He landed a Helo in Johnny Cash's back yard and demanded to have Johnny Cash listen to his song. Johnny Cash loved it, and it became the hit, "Sunday Morning Coming Down." Everyone started recording his songs. Gladys Knight, Jannis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Carly Simon, Kenny Milsap, Isaac Hays, Marrianne Faithful, Percy Sledge, Bob Dylan. He had an affair w/ Janis Joplin, and wrote Bobby McGee for her. Then he started making all these movies. He made the best move at the time, A Star is born, and the worst flop ever, Heaven's Gate. He lived hard, burned with intensity, plummeted.
He didn’t have any guaruntees that 8 years as a janitor would pay off…his wife left him! He put it all on the line.
Martin Luther is another example. He was an uptight guy, who was really concerned with not sinning. He had the courage to throw away his reputation and in his own churches eyes committed apostacy. About his whole adventure he says “sin boldly!”
Moms: I am not sure I am willing to risk 18+ years of my life nurturing another human being I have no control over. That’s a risk! My own mom really threw all she had into raising us…and sometimes that has really not seemed like an investment with a lot of return….any moms relate to that?
I don’t want this to sound like not health and wealth gospel…risk, and you will be rich and famous…Would Kris Kristoferson have still been a hero if he was still working as a janitor? I would like to think so…I just wouldn’t know who he was. Heroes among us like Hicks risk obscurity to be our pastor.
There were another 7 in the parable that received something to invest. They probably weren’t the amazing superstar investors or they would have ended up in the investor “hall of fame” with the other two. They probably were not like the ones who didn’t invest anything or Luke would have mentioned them with the non-invester guy. The only choices left were that they were marginally successful, or the lost the money trying.
Both Bob Dylan and Emily Dickenson were fully realized artists, but one maintained meteoric fame and the other's life passed in obscurity...but the fact that they both threw everything out there was the point.
WHAT DID THE HERO BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
He believed in following the Master: The master said, “Invest the money and give it to me,“ and he did it…
He boldly risked playing the game: I wrote my tormented genius friend to see what he had to say about this passage. He wrote, "I think you always lose what you dont risk.. I lost the biggest single bet of my life tonight and don’t regret it for a second.. gambling makes you alive, it makes you feel like a person. rewatching old episodes of "The Wire" and I'm reminded of PrezBo's great line, "no one ever wins, one side just loses more slowly." so why play the game? because it’s the only game to play. and you only lose if you don’t play. And then there is nothing else…so you play."
He focused on the Master’s gain: John Hendrix also told me, The house always wins. John doesn’t care about the house, the house isn’t good to him, but he doesn’t come into the game expecting to win money. He knows that the house is always going to win. His reward is being able to play the game. The servant wasn’t focused on his own glory. The master was getting the servant’s returns.
Perhaps he had some expectancy of the Master’s goodness. That in adding something to the well-being of his master, (and probably the greater market) he would be rewarded. In the end, the master put him in charge of ten cities!
The villain: The guy who buried the money was the villain. The master told him to see what he could do with the money, and he did nothing. The master did not tell him “make sure you don’t lose this!” or “Make sure I get it back”
Thoreau reminds us that many men are “leading a life of quiet desperation and went to the grave with the song still in them.”
WHAT DID THE VILLIAN BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
Well he wasn’t ok with the fact that the house always wins: “I was afraid of you. I knew you were a hard man . You take out what you did not put in, and reap what you did not sow.’ He thinks the owner is harsh. He doesn’t want to do what the king asks. He was afraid.
Afraid of loss,
afraid of the king taking the money.
Maybe he was afraid of not meeting the king’s expectations.
Maybe he was afraid of failure.
Afraid of doing what the king said, therefore giving the king power and control.
The wicked servant also did not trust God’s goodness: The one who has no trust in gods goodness ends up w/ nothing…
Me:
The villain: Jesus is telling me, Do something with what you have been given. I am afraid to work on things I am not immediately good at. I would rather not do something than be incompetent at it. The biggest area in my life this plays out right now is writing…in the past its been the only thing I felt the vulnerability of not knowing how to play the game. Its not like I haven’t failed, but I have felt in most of those failures that if I wanted to, I could have avoided it. But I can get a bad grade on a paper I thought was the best I have written. Investing myself in something I am not sure I will be good at is hard for me.
The HERO: "Put it all out there, hold nothing back."
My black paper. For my last class, I worked very hard on a paper entitled, “Effectively Educating African American Students.” I put everything had into that thing! I interviewed about 10 people, and devoured the available literature. One thing that came out of the experience is a professor I worked with wants to co-publish an article together!
That reminds me of something Anne Dillard said:
''One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. . . . Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.''
Annie Dillard
The Writing Life
And another artist’s words:
Eugene O’Neill, “People who succeed and do not push on to a greater failure are the spiritual middle-classers .”
WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
In order to grow, we need to take risk. This is not only true in the bible…every hero took risks…threw it all out there. Jesus, Abraham, Paul, etc. This is backed by every human growth theory and self help book I have read, and I have read a lot! Leaving our safety and becoming vulnerable to failure, rejections and loss is what living abundantly and loving well are all about.
The point:
Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." Luke 8:16-18…what’s he trying to say?
Failure to perform ones responsibility results in loss of power to perform it.
Bob Dylan said, "Things are handed down when you are ready to make use of them. You wouldn't recognize them unless you had come through certain experiences. I am a strong believer that each man has a destiney."
We don’t get the next thing (10 kingdoms, five kingdoms) until we have done everything we could with what we have.
Maybe the king couldn't give the man who hid the talents anything, because he knew he wouldn't know how to make use of it.
Lots of the saints talk about how if we aren’t going forward we are going backward. Bernard of Clairvaux observed “Not to progress on the way of life is to regress”. Stasis is impossible. You can’t just bury the money, it loses market value.
We are entrusted to gain profit for the master…according to our fidelity he will share his rule with us.
You only lose if you don't play. And then there is nothing else. So you play.
What are some “holy” risks? (The crowd answers: having children, parenting, letting yourself be known, loving people, serving people, being true to who you are, living out of your passions, facing fears, doing inner work, working through addiction. Someone said that what you do with FEAR is (Fuck Everything and RUn or Face Everything And Recover...both are risks.)
What are some unhealthy risks? (Doing drugs, running away from problems, lying, cheating, scamming people, being dangerous.)
I am not going to talk about unhealthy risks today. I am going to talk about how we venture into “holy” risk. I want to talk about Luke 19:11-27, the parable of the minahs, and what that means to me.
The Parable:
Luke 19:11-27
While there were listening to this, he went on to tell them a parable, because he was near Jerusalem and the people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear immediately. He said: “A certain well-born went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return. So he called ten of his slaves and gave them 10 minas. ‘Conduct business with this while I am gone.’
Some of his fellow citizens hated him and sent a delegation after him to say, ‘We don’t want this man to be our king.’
“He was made king, however, and returned home. Then he sent for the slaves to whom he had given the money, in order to find out what they had gained with it.
“The first one came and said, ‘Sur, your mina has earned ten minas.’
“Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’
“the second one came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned five minas.’
“His master answered, ‘You take charge of five cities.’
Then another servant came and said, ‘Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in, and reap what you did not sow.’
“His master replied, ‘I will judge you by our own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? Why then, didn’t you put my money on deposit, so that when I come back, I could have collected it with interest?’
Then he said to those standing by, ‘Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.’
“’Sir,’ they said, ‘he already has ten!’
“He replied, ‘I tell you that everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away. But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me.
Big picture:
This parable is talking about what the servants did with their money. It’s a metaphor for what we do with our lives, which includes our money. The servants are given the task of making money for their master.
There are ten servants with money, the parable talks about three. The first two did what their master asked them to do and made substantial gains, the last doesn’t even try to make money.
Luke tells us that Jesus is on the way to Jerusalem to die. Jesus was preparing disciples for his physical departure. Luke tells us people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear immediately. So the parable talks about a noble man who leaves for a while to a distant land to be appointed king, and leaves his servants behind with some orders. They were accountable to a master who will return. He is talking to the twelve disciples and what he wants them to do until he returns.
The hero:
The first and second guy were the heros, but the hero got 10 kingdoms and the “well done,” so that sounds a little better.
What did he do:
He had 1000% on his money, and gave it all to the master when he returned. We don’t know how he did it, but that is a big return. He probably wasn’t investing like the people around him, he probably did something really unique…found a market that wasn’t tapped into. Perhaps he found out the one thing that he seemed to be uniquely capable of offering the world and he did it. He probably had to put it all on the line.
"The less you gamble, the more you lose when you win.." Reminds me that everything has a cost. It’s easy to see the cost of risk, but sometimes we don’t s see the cost of safety…we lose everything we might have gained. Following our passion is risky, but getting the safe job comes with the cost of never realizing our full potential.
Last Saturday, I had some time, and did some holy wandering. I so rarely have nothing planned that the times that I do can be pretty cool. After overeaters anonymous, I went out to coffee with one of my friends from the meeting, then wandered downtown on my bike. I decided to get my bangs trimmed at the place I cut my hair. While I was waiting, I started reading this Rolling Stones magazine. I couldn’t put it down! I got my bangs trimmed and couldn’t leave the salon because I was so hooked. I finally asked if I could buy the magazine, and the salon owner told me I could just take it!
The article was about Kris Kristofferson. This guy went to Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship, became an army officer during Vietnam, went through Ranger school, became a helo pilot, taught at Wespoint, and begged to get sent over. Then he started hearing the stories. Men learning to brutally murder on command. Men pushing POWs out of helicopters and stomping on their hands when the caught the rails on the way to their deaths. He did a 180 and moved his wife (high school sweetheart) down to Nashville to become a singer-songwriter. He worked as a janitor at Columbia Studios for eight years--enough time for his wife to leave him. Somehow he was flying Helos on the weekend for some commercial firm. He landed a Helo in Johnny Cash's back yard and demanded to have Johnny Cash listen to his song. Johnny Cash loved it, and it became the hit, "Sunday Morning Coming Down." Everyone started recording his songs. Gladys Knight, Jannis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Carly Simon, Kenny Milsap, Isaac Hays, Marrianne Faithful, Percy Sledge, Bob Dylan. He had an affair w/ Janis Joplin, and wrote Bobby McGee for her. Then he started making all these movies. He made the best move at the time, A Star is born, and the worst flop ever, Heaven's Gate. He lived hard, burned with intensity, plummeted.
He didn’t have any guaruntees that 8 years as a janitor would pay off…his wife left him! He put it all on the line.
Martin Luther is another example. He was an uptight guy, who was really concerned with not sinning. He had the courage to throw away his reputation and in his own churches eyes committed apostacy. About his whole adventure he says “sin boldly!”
Moms: I am not sure I am willing to risk 18+ years of my life nurturing another human being I have no control over. That’s a risk! My own mom really threw all she had into raising us…and sometimes that has really not seemed like an investment with a lot of return….any moms relate to that?
I don’t want this to sound like not health and wealth gospel…risk, and you will be rich and famous…Would Kris Kristoferson have still been a hero if he was still working as a janitor? I would like to think so…I just wouldn’t know who he was. Heroes among us like Hicks risk obscurity to be our pastor.
There were another 7 in the parable that received something to invest. They probably weren’t the amazing superstar investors or they would have ended up in the investor “hall of fame” with the other two. They probably were not like the ones who didn’t invest anything or Luke would have mentioned them with the non-invester guy. The only choices left were that they were marginally successful, or the lost the money trying.
Both Bob Dylan and Emily Dickenson were fully realized artists, but one maintained meteoric fame and the other's life passed in obscurity...but the fact that they both threw everything out there was the point.
WHAT DID THE HERO BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
He believed in following the Master: The master said, “Invest the money and give it to me,“ and he did it…
He boldly risked playing the game: I wrote my tormented genius friend to see what he had to say about this passage. He wrote, "I think you always lose what you dont risk.. I lost the biggest single bet of my life tonight and don’t regret it for a second.. gambling makes you alive, it makes you feel like a person. rewatching old episodes of "The Wire" and I'm reminded of PrezBo's great line, "no one ever wins, one side just loses more slowly." so why play the game? because it’s the only game to play. and you only lose if you don’t play. And then there is nothing else…so you play."
He focused on the Master’s gain: John Hendrix also told me, The house always wins. John doesn’t care about the house, the house isn’t good to him, but he doesn’t come into the game expecting to win money. He knows that the house is always going to win. His reward is being able to play the game. The servant wasn’t focused on his own glory. The master was getting the servant’s returns.
Perhaps he had some expectancy of the Master’s goodness. That in adding something to the well-being of his master, (and probably the greater market) he would be rewarded. In the end, the master put him in charge of ten cities!
The villain: The guy who buried the money was the villain. The master told him to see what he could do with the money, and he did nothing. The master did not tell him “make sure you don’t lose this!” or “Make sure I get it back”
Thoreau reminds us that many men are “leading a life of quiet desperation and went to the grave with the song still in them.”
WHAT DID THE VILLIAN BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
Well he wasn’t ok with the fact that the house always wins: “I was afraid of you. I knew you were a hard man . You take out what you did not put in, and reap what you did not sow.’ He thinks the owner is harsh. He doesn’t want to do what the king asks. He was afraid.
Afraid of loss,
afraid of the king taking the money.
Maybe he was afraid of not meeting the king’s expectations.
Maybe he was afraid of failure.
Afraid of doing what the king said, therefore giving the king power and control.
The wicked servant also did not trust God’s goodness: The one who has no trust in gods goodness ends up w/ nothing…
Me:
The villain: Jesus is telling me, Do something with what you have been given. I am afraid to work on things I am not immediately good at. I would rather not do something than be incompetent at it. The biggest area in my life this plays out right now is writing…in the past its been the only thing I felt the vulnerability of not knowing how to play the game. Its not like I haven’t failed, but I have felt in most of those failures that if I wanted to, I could have avoided it. But I can get a bad grade on a paper I thought was the best I have written. Investing myself in something I am not sure I will be good at is hard for me.
The HERO: "Put it all out there, hold nothing back."
My black paper. For my last class, I worked very hard on a paper entitled, “Effectively Educating African American Students.” I put everything had into that thing! I interviewed about 10 people, and devoured the available literature. One thing that came out of the experience is a professor I worked with wants to co-publish an article together!
That reminds me of something Anne Dillard said:
''One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. . . . Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.''
Annie Dillard
The Writing Life
And another artist’s words:
Eugene O’Neill, “People who succeed and do not push on to a greater failure are the spiritual middle-classers .”
WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT THE KING:
In order to grow, we need to take risk. This is not only true in the bible…every hero took risks…threw it all out there. Jesus, Abraham, Paul, etc. This is backed by every human growth theory and self help book I have read, and I have read a lot! Leaving our safety and becoming vulnerable to failure, rejections and loss is what living abundantly and loving well are all about.
The point:
Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." Luke 8:16-18…what’s he trying to say?
Failure to perform ones responsibility results in loss of power to perform it.
Bob Dylan said, "Things are handed down when you are ready to make use of them. You wouldn't recognize them unless you had come through certain experiences. I am a strong believer that each man has a destiney."
We don’t get the next thing (10 kingdoms, five kingdoms) until we have done everything we could with what we have.
Maybe the king couldn't give the man who hid the talents anything, because he knew he wouldn't know how to make use of it.
Lots of the saints talk about how if we aren’t going forward we are going backward. Bernard of Clairvaux observed “Not to progress on the way of life is to regress”. Stasis is impossible. You can’t just bury the money, it loses market value.
We are entrusted to gain profit for the master…according to our fidelity he will share his rule with us.
You only lose if you don't play. And then there is nothing else. So you play.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Perfectionitis
Geeze Luise I've got this disease,
The terrible perfectionitis;
It starts in my brain and it makes me insane
'Cause I think I must always be rightis.
Oh no, I really must go
Gotta do more gotta be more!!
Despite my hard work I feal like a jerk
I always have too low a score.
In crisis mode, I'm about to explode
But at least I'm not too happy.
'Cause when things are too easy, I get a bit queazy
I don't want to forget how I'm crappy.
Right now perhaps I should go run laps
God knows I could be a lot faster.
But what about biking or 14er hiking,
There are so many things I should master!
I must write a book, and become a cook
And hike the Great Wall of China.
Then save all the youth, unlock every truth
And start being pen pals with Dinah.
So I must alas, let each day pass
With a black dread of remorse
Though I'm productive, and stay quite constructive,
I did not pursue EVERY course.
The terrible perfectionitis;
It starts in my brain and it makes me insane
'Cause I think I must always be rightis.
Oh no, I really must go
Gotta do more gotta be more!!
Despite my hard work I feal like a jerk
I always have too low a score.
In crisis mode, I'm about to explode
But at least I'm not too happy.
'Cause when things are too easy, I get a bit queazy
I don't want to forget how I'm crappy.
Right now perhaps I should go run laps
God knows I could be a lot faster.
But what about biking or 14er hiking,
There are so many things I should master!
I must write a book, and become a cook
And hike the Great Wall of China.
Then save all the youth, unlock every truth
And start being pen pals with Dinah.
So I must alas, let each day pass
With a black dread of remorse
Though I'm productive, and stay quite constructive,
I did not pursue EVERY course.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Parable of the Talents
Today I woke up at 8:20, scarfed down breakfast, and raced downtown to my overeaters anonymous group. I love that meeting! Its raw, and fresh. The people are supportive and brutally honest. There is freedom and people there have good boundaries. We go around in a circle, each reading a page in the big book and sharing about where they are. When people share, they keep it short, and no one gives them stupid advice (you aren't allowed to cross-talk). I really liked this black guy that was there. He read really slow, and only read a paragraph, which probably everyon was grateful for. Two things he said that I loved "Now I can tell you that I am an A-hole, because I want to ask everyone who sits around meditating, trying to listen to God, "What did God say to you?" and they say--Nothing!" He also said when he calls up the people who know him real well, they will listen to all his justifications and fear about the future, then say "Lenny is any of that true?" He will say, "No." and then they will hang up. He like that because he doesn't get away with BS. Another lady said that the bigges lie she believes is, "If I don't do it right it will kill me." And "Abstinence is not abstinence unless it is done with love." I like that too. This other lady I adore has a lot of pain in her life right now. She talked about it and I started crying about it. The kind of crying that is not connected to personal pain but spontaneously bursts out of an intense feeling of empathy.
I was full of spiritual energy, and rode down to the salon to get my bangs trimmed. I started reading an artical that gripped my soul and thrashed it around a bit.
Rolling Stones 16 April 09 Written by Ethan Hawke about Kris Kristopherson.
The reason it jumped out at me so much is it connected some things I had been thinking about with the parable of the talents (I preach on it next sunday and am starting to get ready.) This guy went to Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship, became an army officer during Vietnam, went through Ranger school, became a helo pilot, taught at Wespoint, and begged to get sent over. Then he started hearing the stories. Men learning to brutally murder on command. Men pushing POWs out of helicopters and stomping on their hands when the caught the rails on the way to their deaths. He did a 180 and moved his wife (high school sweetheart) down to Nashville to become a singer-songwriter. He worked as a janitor at Columbia Studios for eight years--enough time for his wife to leave him. Somehow he was flying Helos on the weekend for some commercial firm. He landed a Helo in Johnny Cash's back yard and demanded to have Johnny Cash listen to his song. Johnny Cash loved it, and it became the hit, "Sunday Morning Coming Down." Everyone started recording his songs. Gladys Knight, Jannis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Carly Simon, Kenny Milsap, Isaac Hays, Marrianne Faithful, Percy Sledge, Bob Dylan. He had an affair w/ Janis Joplin, and wrote Bobby McGee for her. Then he started making all htese movies. He made the best move at the time, A Star is born, and the worst flop ever, Heaven's Gate. He lived hard, burned with intensity, plummeted. In the intervie he said "I heard a guy on teh radio refer to me as 'washed up.' I had no idea. I was in a blessedly stupid state of shortsightedness, not allowing doubt to paralize me." He quoted a line from William Blake. "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." I can't really remember what my writing coach said once, but it was something like, "Put it all out there, hold nothing back." That reminds me of something that Bob Dylan said, "Things are handed down when you are ready to make use of them. You wouldn't recognize them unless you had come through certain experiences. I am a strong believer that each man has a destiney." Then there is Luther saying, "Sin Boldly."
I guess what I am thinking about the Talents is that the ruler couldn't give the man who hid the talents anything, because he knew he wouldn't know how to make use of it. The point was to leave it all on the table, risk it all. This brings me to something I saw on John Hendrix's website, "The less you gamble, the more you lose when you win.." I wrote him to talk about it. I asked him about what he thought about that tieing into the parable of the talents. He wrote, "I think you always lose what you dont risk.. i lost the biggest single bet of my life tonight and dont regret it for a second.. gambling makes you alive, it makes you feel like a person, even great apes dont gamble. rewatching old episodes of "The Wire" and i'm reminded of PrezBo's great line "no one ever wins, one side just loses more slowly." so why play the game? because its the only game to play. and you only lose if you dont play. and then there is nothing else.. so you play." The other thing the article talked about was how both Bob Dylan and Emily Dickenson were fully realized artists, but one maintained meteoric fame and the other's life passed in obscurity...but the fact that they both threw everything out there was the point. You only lose if you don't play. And then there is nothing else. So you play.
I was full of spiritual energy, and rode down to the salon to get my bangs trimmed. I started reading an artical that gripped my soul and thrashed it around a bit.
Rolling Stones 16 April 09 Written by Ethan Hawke about Kris Kristopherson.
The reason it jumped out at me so much is it connected some things I had been thinking about with the parable of the talents (I preach on it next sunday and am starting to get ready.) This guy went to Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship, became an army officer during Vietnam, went through Ranger school, became a helo pilot, taught at Wespoint, and begged to get sent over. Then he started hearing the stories. Men learning to brutally murder on command. Men pushing POWs out of helicopters and stomping on their hands when the caught the rails on the way to their deaths. He did a 180 and moved his wife (high school sweetheart) down to Nashville to become a singer-songwriter. He worked as a janitor at Columbia Studios for eight years--enough time for his wife to leave him. Somehow he was flying Helos on the weekend for some commercial firm. He landed a Helo in Johnny Cash's back yard and demanded to have Johnny Cash listen to his song. Johnny Cash loved it, and it became the hit, "Sunday Morning Coming Down." Everyone started recording his songs. Gladys Knight, Jannis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Carly Simon, Kenny Milsap, Isaac Hays, Marrianne Faithful, Percy Sledge, Bob Dylan. He had an affair w/ Janis Joplin, and wrote Bobby McGee for her. Then he started making all htese movies. He made the best move at the time, A Star is born, and the worst flop ever, Heaven's Gate. He lived hard, burned with intensity, plummeted. In the intervie he said "I heard a guy on teh radio refer to me as 'washed up.' I had no idea. I was in a blessedly stupid state of shortsightedness, not allowing doubt to paralize me." He quoted a line from William Blake. "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." I can't really remember what my writing coach said once, but it was something like, "Put it all out there, hold nothing back." That reminds me of something that Bob Dylan said, "Things are handed down when you are ready to make use of them. You wouldn't recognize them unless you had come through certain experiences. I am a strong believer that each man has a destiney." Then there is Luther saying, "Sin Boldly."
I guess what I am thinking about the Talents is that the ruler couldn't give the man who hid the talents anything, because he knew he wouldn't know how to make use of it. The point was to leave it all on the table, risk it all. This brings me to something I saw on John Hendrix's website, "The less you gamble, the more you lose when you win.." I wrote him to talk about it. I asked him about what he thought about that tieing into the parable of the talents. He wrote, "I think you always lose what you dont risk.. i lost the biggest single bet of my life tonight and dont regret it for a second.. gambling makes you alive, it makes you feel like a person, even great apes dont gamble. rewatching old episodes of "The Wire" and i'm reminded of PrezBo's great line "no one ever wins, one side just loses more slowly." so why play the game? because its the only game to play. and you only lose if you dont play. and then there is nothing else.. so you play." The other thing the article talked about was how both Bob Dylan and Emily Dickenson were fully realized artists, but one maintained meteoric fame and the other's life passed in obscurity...but the fact that they both threw everything out there was the point. You only lose if you don't play. And then there is nothing else. So you play.
The Rewards of Incompetence
For the last three weeks I have absorbed all that I possibly could on the subject of educating African American children. I needed to create a project for my school counseling class that would serve as a resource for a school counselor to improve their school. I wanted to do an inservice for new teachers going into a classroom of African American kids. Part of my reasons for choosing this was sort of a chance to redeem something from my teachign experience last year.
Last year, I taught at Montbello High School, a low-income, 98% minority school in North East Denver. I was shocked when I became aware of the disparity of public education first hand. In line with national statistics, the students at Montbello were graduating with and 8th grade education (Thernstrom, 2004, 270.) Some of this was understandable. The largest minority population at Montbello was Hispanic. In this particular area of town, many were first generation Hispanics who were battling language and culture obstacles, as well as legal issues (many were undocumented). However, the performance of African Americans at the school was just as low. In fact, correlation of parents education and children’s education is much stronger in the Hispanic community then in the Black community (Thernstrom, 2004 p. 127).
While the learning gap in America is affected by several factors including family systems, and socioeconomic factors, the racial gap persists despite geographic location, income, or marital status of the parents. (Kunjufu, 2002, p. ix)
I feverishly devoured books and articles, and interviewed 10 different educators on thier opinions on the subject. The most exciting interview I had was with a woman I came across while looking through the bibliography of a doctoral thesis I was reading. The woman, Dr. Okpokodu, was a Nigerian-born teacher who created an inservice on cultural diversity for new teachers. Her program is edgy and controversial. Her cirriculum demands students to face their "White privilege" and "White Dominance." I got ahold of her by email, and she sent me her home phone number and allowed me to call her over the weekend. We talked for two hours about her teaching, and her experiences with racism in America. When her son was in kindergarden, the kids told him to wash his skin because it was dirty. When Dr. Okpokodu talked to the teacher about addressing the problem, the teacher dismissed her. When her child's teacher recommended him for a gifted program, the counselor refused to test him. I typed as she talked, and ended up with ten pages of notes from our conversations.
Then, I didn't save it right and lost all of it! She wrote me to see if I could send her the notes from our conversation, and I admitted sheepishly that I lost the whole document! I was really embarrassed.
I felt like my paper and project was a flop. I spent so much time devouring information that I couldn't sythesize it all enough to write a decent paper. Its not like I didn't have good ideas, but my writing was disorganized and rough. I barely had time to even spell check it!
Basically, these are the things I addressed: First, we all need to understand our own race, both how other cultures see us in light of our history, and the positive values we bring because of our ethnic background. Second, we need to understand our student’s culture, and we need to develop a strengths-based approach to teaching them. Third, we need to address our curriculum, and teach in a way that adequately reflects the viewpoints of other cultures.
Here is what Dr. Okpokodu wrote me:
Greetings!
Thank you for sharing your project with me. Anyone reading your paper would not know that you had some technological problem--losing your interview data. I really enjoyed reading your paper. Most importantly, I was impressed with your quest for knowledge and your ability to use suggested resources to construct new knowledge. I was particularly impressed with your engagement with Gary Howard's book that I introduced to you and how you not only read it but demonstrated a good understanding and connection to the ideas.
It was truly wonderful to be in contact with you and I appreciated your openness, quest and desire to be an intentional learner and concerned educator. I wish you well as you continue your journey toward transformative practice and change agency. Please stay in touch. Take care!
Dr. Ukpokodu,
Thanks for reading it. I decided to join a racial reconcilliation group in town, in hopes of continuing the journey. I will stay in touch. I would love to develop this project further to use as a school counselor in training new teachers at my school.
Thanks again,
Jaimie
Great. Although I have only known you briefly and through cyberspace, I am excited about your desire for self-development and passion for diversity and educational justice. I think the ideas you shared with me about your challenging experience as a new teacher with predominantly African American students is vital and will be valuable to the community of scholars and especially classroom teachers. I would like to collaborate with you to help disseminate this knowledge, that is, write a manuscript for publication. Let me know if you would like to take an advantage of this opportunity and I will get back to you with details. Take care!
Dr. Omiunota Ukpokodu
Last year, I taught at Montbello High School, a low-income, 98% minority school in North East Denver. I was shocked when I became aware of the disparity of public education first hand. In line with national statistics, the students at Montbello were graduating with and 8th grade education (Thernstrom, 2004, 270.) Some of this was understandable. The largest minority population at Montbello was Hispanic. In this particular area of town, many were first generation Hispanics who were battling language and culture obstacles, as well as legal issues (many were undocumented). However, the performance of African Americans at the school was just as low. In fact, correlation of parents education and children’s education is much stronger in the Hispanic community then in the Black community (Thernstrom, 2004 p. 127).
While the learning gap in America is affected by several factors including family systems, and socioeconomic factors, the racial gap persists despite geographic location, income, or marital status of the parents. (Kunjufu, 2002, p. ix)
I feverishly devoured books and articles, and interviewed 10 different educators on thier opinions on the subject. The most exciting interview I had was with a woman I came across while looking through the bibliography of a doctoral thesis I was reading. The woman, Dr. Okpokodu, was a Nigerian-born teacher who created an inservice on cultural diversity for new teachers. Her program is edgy and controversial. Her cirriculum demands students to face their "White privilege" and "White Dominance." I got ahold of her by email, and she sent me her home phone number and allowed me to call her over the weekend. We talked for two hours about her teaching, and her experiences with racism in America. When her son was in kindergarden, the kids told him to wash his skin because it was dirty. When Dr. Okpokodu talked to the teacher about addressing the problem, the teacher dismissed her. When her child's teacher recommended him for a gifted program, the counselor refused to test him. I typed as she talked, and ended up with ten pages of notes from our conversations.
Then, I didn't save it right and lost all of it! She wrote me to see if I could send her the notes from our conversation, and I admitted sheepishly that I lost the whole document! I was really embarrassed.
I felt like my paper and project was a flop. I spent so much time devouring information that I couldn't sythesize it all enough to write a decent paper. Its not like I didn't have good ideas, but my writing was disorganized and rough. I barely had time to even spell check it!
Basically, these are the things I addressed: First, we all need to understand our own race, both how other cultures see us in light of our history, and the positive values we bring because of our ethnic background. Second, we need to understand our student’s culture, and we need to develop a strengths-based approach to teaching them. Third, we need to address our curriculum, and teach in a way that adequately reflects the viewpoints of other cultures.
Here is what Dr. Okpokodu wrote me:
Greetings!
Thank you for sharing your project with me. Anyone reading your paper would not know that you had some technological problem--losing your interview data. I really enjoyed reading your paper. Most importantly, I was impressed with your quest for knowledge and your ability to use suggested resources to construct new knowledge. I was particularly impressed with your engagement with Gary Howard's book that I introduced to you and how you not only read it but demonstrated a good understanding and connection to the ideas.
It was truly wonderful to be in contact with you and I appreciated your openness, quest and desire to be an intentional learner and concerned educator. I wish you well as you continue your journey toward transformative practice and change agency. Please stay in touch. Take care!
Dr. Ukpokodu,
Thanks for reading it. I decided to join a racial reconcilliation group in town, in hopes of continuing the journey. I will stay in touch. I would love to develop this project further to use as a school counselor in training new teachers at my school.
Thanks again,
Jaimie
Great. Although I have only known you briefly and through cyberspace, I am excited about your desire for self-development and passion for diversity and educational justice. I think the ideas you shared with me about your challenging experience as a new teacher with predominantly African American students is vital and will be valuable to the community of scholars and especially classroom teachers. I would like to collaborate with you to help disseminate this knowledge, that is, write a manuscript for publication. Let me know if you would like to take an advantage of this opportunity and I will get back to you with details. Take care!
Dr. Omiunota Ukpokodu
Binge Classifications
1)No Rules! Binge:
This is where I rebell against myself. If I decided to have a salad for lunch, I have potstickers, chocolate chip cookies and soda, just to keep that James Dean, "Rebel Without a Cause" thing going on.
2) Stuff-my-feelings-inside binge:
When I am not brave enough to feel anger, sadness, fear or guilt, I can eat enough to numb the pain. If I just stuff it in, I don't have to deal with it.
3) Meglomaniac Binge:
I am invincible and can do whatever I want! I can live off chocolate chip cookies! I am impervious to consequences!
4) "The perfect storm" binge.
I can resist free. I can resist chocolate. I can resist home-made. I can resist fresh-out-of-the-oven baked goods. But I can't yet summon the force and dedication to resist free, fresh, home-made, chocolate chip cookies that are right out of the oven.
5) The H.A.L.T binge:
This is the two-year old me that didn't get their nap, their snack, their affection for the day. Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Two year old me throws tantrums till she gets her way.
6) I-can-have-just-one Binge:
This is when I justify that even though in the past sugar has send me into a greedy, childish binge,I talk myself into believing, "this time it won't."
7)I-already-screwed-up Binge:
This is when I start to feel guilty for eating the extra apple, and so I have an english muffin with butter, five spoonfuls of honey and almond butter, leftover dinner, and then I go for the hard stuff like my roommate's frozen cookie dough.
8) My-life-is-problem-free-so-I-should-create-one binge:
Is life going too good? I might be enjoying healthy relationships, having a peaceful work experience, practicing self-care, and living an inspired existence. Then some switch flips in my brain--the part that is addicted to incomplete, to longing, to drama--and I eat just because.
9) The pity-party binge:
But everyone else gets a treat! And I deserve it! I have been working so hard! Why spend life in a colorless script of obedient numbness! Do more! Be more! How can you deny yourself? Its cruel! You would be like the parents on "Dead Poet's Society" if you had kids. Lighten up!
10) Being polite to people I love binge:
"Jaimie I made this just for you, its your favorite!" Chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pie, fudge decadence, really cheesy burritos, Chocolate dipped strawberries, chocolate dipped anything...hey, I am just being polite!
This is where I rebell against myself. If I decided to have a salad for lunch, I have potstickers, chocolate chip cookies and soda, just to keep that James Dean, "Rebel Without a Cause" thing going on.
2) Stuff-my-feelings-inside binge:
When I am not brave enough to feel anger, sadness, fear or guilt, I can eat enough to numb the pain. If I just stuff it in, I don't have to deal with it.
3) Meglomaniac Binge:
I am invincible and can do whatever I want! I can live off chocolate chip cookies! I am impervious to consequences!
4) "The perfect storm" binge.
I can resist free. I can resist chocolate. I can resist home-made. I can resist fresh-out-of-the-oven baked goods. But I can't yet summon the force and dedication to resist free, fresh, home-made, chocolate chip cookies that are right out of the oven.
5) The H.A.L.T binge:
This is the two-year old me that didn't get their nap, their snack, their affection for the day. Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Two year old me throws tantrums till she gets her way.
6) I-can-have-just-one Binge:
This is when I justify that even though in the past sugar has send me into a greedy, childish binge,I talk myself into believing, "this time it won't."
7)I-already-screwed-up Binge:
This is when I start to feel guilty for eating the extra apple, and so I have an english muffin with butter, five spoonfuls of honey and almond butter, leftover dinner, and then I go for the hard stuff like my roommate's frozen cookie dough.
8) My-life-is-problem-free-so-I-should-create-one binge:
Is life going too good? I might be enjoying healthy relationships, having a peaceful work experience, practicing self-care, and living an inspired existence. Then some switch flips in my brain--the part that is addicted to incomplete, to longing, to drama--and I eat just because.
9) The pity-party binge:
But everyone else gets a treat! And I deserve it! I have been working so hard! Why spend life in a colorless script of obedient numbness! Do more! Be more! How can you deny yourself? Its cruel! You would be like the parents on "Dead Poet's Society" if you had kids. Lighten up!
10) Being polite to people I love binge:
"Jaimie I made this just for you, its your favorite!" Chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pie, fudge decadence, really cheesy burritos, Chocolate dipped strawberries, chocolate dipped anything...hey, I am just being polite!
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