Jesus and parenting...

I had to write a paper the other day articulating my thoughts about Jesus and Parenting and Kids.

In the 1st century, children were not highly regarded (Blomberg 273.). Children were expected to grow up quickly and begin contributing to their family’s economic well-being as soon as possible. Yet Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus is asking his disciples to humble themselves like little children. Children rarely act humbly. Often they think they are independent and in control. In reality, they depend on adults to meet their needs. God wants us to depend on him to meet our needs. If we do not, we end up exploiting people who are weaker than us (children).
Jesus used “little ones” not only to refer to children, but his disciples (Blomberg, 273). In Matthew 18:6 it is written, "But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." This is a stern warning to all in positions of power to raise children correctly. Jesus’ warning applies to us on several levels; we not only need to love, protect, and provide for our youth, but the poor among us, as well as the parts of us that have not grown up yet. Alice Miller, in her classic book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, explored the reversal that many children experience growing up. Instead of getting their needs met, many children learn to meet the needs of the adults in their life in order to survive. The consequences of this reversal are tragic. Often it is very hard for these children as adults to identify their own needs, protect themselves, and accept unconditional love. Those who were abused, rejected and abandoned as children often abuse, reject and abandon themselves and others when they grow up. In addition, it is very difficult for children who could not surrender and trust their parents to learn how to surrender and trust God, and safe people. One way to frame Jesus’ message is this; We need to come to God as little children. God will parent us, so we can give “children” around us what they need: unconditional love, guidance, healthy discipline, protection and provision.
Above everything, children need unconditional love. In 1 John 4:19 it is written, “We love because he first loved us.” Children learn to love by receiving love from adults. Good parents show their children love by giving them good gifts, showing them affection, blessing them, taking care of their needs, and spending time getting to know them. Good parents help children love themselves. In an ideal situation, children were created in a love relationship between their parents. Good parents have children because they want to love them. Good parents teach their children to ask for what they want and trust that when the parent does not give it to them, he is withholding out of love. Good parents let their children know when something is a gift, and teach their child to say thank you. This is not because the parent needs to be thanked, but because the child needs to learn to recognize gifts. Good parents choose to be vulnerable with their children. They choose to hear what their children are thinking and feeling, and they even allow themselves to hurt when their children hurt.
Good parents give their children guidance when they are able to hear it. It is uncomfortable to grow. When children are growing, they do not know what is happening. Good parents help their children take care of themselves, and develop good habits. Good parents help children through the pains of growing up. Good parents help their children learn how to work, play and love by first modeling for children and then helping them, step by step, do things on their own. Good parents don’t get mad when their children can’t do things, but provide scaffolding to make the learning process manageable. Good parents have children do chores to learn how to do menial, everyday acts of service, and learn to participate in community. Good parents carry heavy loads but have each child carry their own load. Good parents give the child ways to show love to others. Even though parents can do things more efficiently, the child participates in a labor of love, and the parent deeply appreciates it. Good parents wean children from things. Good parents sometimes withhold things so their child can take a step towards learning to do something themselves. This is a painful but necessary process.
At the same time, good parents give their children healthy discipline. When children are little, they assert their independence by saying, “no.” “NO, NO, NO!” But children miss out on the goodness of being in relationship when they say no to everything. Children sometimes develop destructive habits that rob them of their freedom. Good parents will not make their children receive goodness. They will let their child say no. But no has hurtful consequences. Good parents let their children experience negative consequences, so that they learn to trust their parents and say yes to them.
Children need to find rest and protection in their parents. Good parents create a safe place for children to rest. Children need to know the parent is in charge—only then the child can know the safety of being second. Sometimes parents wisely withhold inheritance and other gifts until the child can accept and use them responsibly. Good parents know when their children have been spoiled. They have been overstimulated. Good parents do not want their children to lose sensitivity to creation and the quiet whispers of the Holy Spirit. So they take away privileges to help their children gain sensitivity again.
Good parents provide for their children’s needs. This does not equate to giving children whatever they want. Sometimes children think they know what they want but parents have a sense of a child’s deeper desire. For instance, a child may think they want candy but maybe the child really wants extra attention and needs to feel special. Good parents do not always give child what they ask for because children don’t always really know what they want. Children do not always understand their parents’ provision. It’s not that the parent refuses to explain it, but that the child is not able to understand yet.
Most of our parents did not meet our needs growing up. Thankfully, If we are willing, we can come to God, the good parent, like little children. As we counsel the marginalized, and the poor, we encounter people who need to be re-parented by God. Good counselors not only do some of the things good parents do, but they bring their clients to a place where they can more readily receive God’s parenting. Many of us have not become fully functioning adults because the kids inside us are still too needy to grow up. Often counseling adults looks like respecting and caring for the children inside.
God has been teaching me that he is a good parent to the little children inside of me. I experience God disciplining me and allowing me to face the consequences of my decisions, while at the same time allowing me to crawl into his arms and protect me. I experience God teaching me to let him lead, so I can enjoy the safety of being second. I am even starting to sense God’s enjoyment of me. Some more grown up parts of me insist on creating a kingdom of chaos. The adult parts do not protect my boundaries and the children inside are beat up, and not safe. At the same time, I have spoiled children who have never been disciplined in love. I am learning to parent myself by experiencing God’s parenting of me.
When we are being parented by God, we can be good parents to children. We are all needy. If we do not meet our needs in God, we will meet them by exploiting children. We need to receive God’s unconditional love, guidance, healthy discipline, protection and provision, so we can give the same to kids.

"The scriptures teach a distinction between sin and weakness. “Sin” (hamartia) refers to the changes in our nature and behavior for which we are responsible, while “weakness” (astheneia) refers to those changes in our nature for which we are not responsible. God responds to our sin with judgement tempered by grace, while his response to weakness is tenderness and compassion…"

When I was a kid, I got in trouble for things that were weaknesses, and got away with a lot of sin.

Things I got in really big trouble for:
I broke a tree branch off a tree I had in the back yard.
I didn't care about my goat enough.
I didn't pay attention enough/have enough common sense.
I let the play room get so messy that my dad raked it all in the middle of the room, set me in the middle and made me stay there until I cleaned it (I was five or younger and sat there for hours, completely overwhelmed!)
My dog got sprayed by a skunk
My bike got stolen
Wrecking my first car (I didn't know how to drive a stick and no one ever taught me!)
These were not sins, they were just stuff that little kids do.
Things I didn't get in trouble for that I should have:
Blaming bad stuff I did on imaginary friend.
Being abusive to my little sister
Being greedy and not sharing....
Being gluttonous and eating all the sweets!
Never helping my mom around the house
Never cleaning up after myself.
etc.
I would like to learn to discipline myself around sin, and show myself grace around weakness. I often do the exact opposite--let myself rebel and beat myself up for things that are more weaknesses.
Things I get really mad at myself for:
When I eat candy
When I lose stuff
When I do not stay on task
When I am not efficient
When I make the wrong decision even though I really tried to make the right one.
When I can't understand something.

Things I should hold myself accountable for but dont:
When I am ungrateful
When I refuse to believe that God is faithful and wants to give me good gifts.
When I rage at people and throw tantrums
When I am prideful and think I am smarter than everyone.
When I am envious and want what everyone else has
When I am selfish with my time.
When I demand that everyone do what I want them to do.

So, I am sitting with all this.

Richard's Funeral

I sat next to Charlie. Charlie used to be a roadie back in the day.
Me: You look skinnier, have you lost weight?
Charlie: Yeah, about 20 lbs.
Me: What have you been doing?
Charlie: Well I am only eating canned foods.

Charlie may be the only person on the planet losing weight on the canned-food diet.

I am one of the first ones in. Two ladies sit across from me in the front row. Their eyes are puffy from crying. I welcomed them into the church. They say they are Richard's nieces.

Steve sits next to Lynn, Hick's wife, in the back, mumbling about how he is glad Richard is gone.

The church is the most crowded I have ever seen it. About 75 people are packed into the little sanctuary. Many homeless friends, a few St. James church members, Network Homeless Coffeehouse shift directors, Camille who leads a homeless Bible study, Richard's sister-in-law, and three nieces were in attendence.

Ted, a part Chinese homeless samurai is sitting in front of me. My friend Amy just came from the Credit Union, and is in a sharp suit. John Hicks starts the service.

Hicks: Richard is already up there in that home Jesus prepared. Lest we hang onto him, lets take some time to forgive Richard.

Charlie: We don't need to forgive Richard for nothing. I have known him 8-9 years. He loved my dog Dollar. She always sat on Richard's lap. He helped me when I needed it.

Jerry: (oldish man with long white ghost hair) We used to sit on the porch and talk about anything that came to mind.

Jimmy: He can't come back to us but we will come to him.

Brian: (church guitarist and self-proclaimed 7th generation medicine man) I want to forgive Richard for making me feel like a heal.

Hicks then talks about how Richard knew Jesus, and was know in the place Jesus prepared for him.

John 14:1-4"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

Hicks has a broken pot and a beautiful pot at the front of the altar. He talks about how we are all dying.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you....

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal..."

Ryan is in the doorway. He just graduated from Denver Seminary and started this Yuppie church that kind of works like a Terrorist cell model...each little home unit is tied to a bigger unit...each cell worships in the home, and comes together when the "Job" calls for it...whether its a community service project or barbeque.

I have heard a lot about Cammille but this is the first time I have seen her. Her thick blond hair is cut so that all her bangs fall in the same wave, and the rest of her hair all stops in the same longish bob-like wave. It looks like a wig. She has manic makeup on. She is skinny, wearing 80's style clean khakis, and a sailor-striped shirt. Cammille runs a bible study every Wednesday morning, and brings along breakfast. She preaches in the middle of crowded streets, and sometimes in the middle of the homeless coffee house (Network). She is surprisingly embraced by the clique of homeless tramps that frequent Network Coffeehouse, despite her 80's housewife appearance. She wants to read out of the Bible but Hicks stops her.

Hicks: I want stories...what do we want to remember about Richard?

Wayne: (Teaches third grade in a small town. He works at the homeless coffee house on Saturday mornings because he wants to play chess with someone) Richard always set up for my shift, and loved 1950s music.

Jimmy: (curly, gray-haired, toothless, homeless street musician) I loved bring school children to Richard, Richard loved to show them around the coffee house.

Mark: Richard loved his tobacco, but never let people curse. He would say, 'This is God's house.'

Sarah: (Church elder, off-key singer) He enjoyed my grandkids.

Richard's Niece: Its been a tough last six years. Richard's drinking and homelessness was painful for the family. He could be a real SOB.

Ted: (Crying) I saw Richard as a father figure to me. My own father died.

Bill: (Wearing a leather jacket to remember Richard's biker days) Richard was overall a good guy.

Steve: (schizophrenic halfway house missionary) Richard always offered me chicken. I would like to sing part of a song; I am not a good singer so bear with me. 'It won't be long till happiness steps up to great me.'

Jimmy then plays amazing grace. His his raspy, toothless voice hit most of the notes in a jazzy street performance.

An old guy with a leather vest, biker tatoos, and vietnam veteran cap cuddles with his grieving 30-year-younger wife. She is wearing a royal blue jumper with a lace collared Omish blouse and prominent gold cross necklace.

Jimmys toothless verse "the hour, Richard first believed" sets the rhythm for Camille as she coddles and rocks a drunk, bawling homeless lady back and forth.

Lynn, John's wife, reads Ecclesiastes in what seems to me a high church sort of way (Oratorally correct?)

Vince: (a large, haggard black man) I am no good at social graces. Richard did let me know when I was rude. The quiet/simple people make the world tick. Richard took the tyranny of disease well.

Sid: (middle school principal) Richard was a walking medical experiment. He was living on borrowed time. Richard would sit there at his seat at the window being policeman of the neighborhood. He kept network safe.

Shirley (the sister-in-law): We would get together at mom's house and he would either be working on his car or moms' car. We called Richard Dick...Dick's brother died and Dick took his nephew fishing (she starts crying).

Wally: (monk-like refridgerator repairman) Richard would always say 'God bless you.' Then I would say 'God bless you.' Now there is no one to say that when I come on shift.

We read Psalm 23.

Anita: (Homeless lady I have never met) Once Richard told me to pick him something at the food bank while I was at it. I took a long time, and he said 'I thought you fell off the planet! But God loves you.'

Red: (in-and-out of sober Irish homeless guy who spends a lot of time at Network) He never said a harsh word to anyone. Reminds me of a dad..humble and generous.

Jerry: He is generous. He gave me some money and said, 'Here, why don't you go get six double cheeseburgers--3 for me and 3 for you!'

Charlie: He was good at rolling cigarettes...he always had a line forming..

Walter (The bartender at the bar that Richard hid out in): He always wanted me to pour him a milk and soda.

Bill then lays down a charm bracelet on the altar that says "Truth, Grace, and Love."

John raps up the service with a word of prayer.

Richard (Uncle Dick?) You were not forgotten.