Jesus and parenting...

I had to write a paper the other day articulating my thoughts about Jesus and Parenting and Kids.

In the 1st century, children were not highly regarded (Blomberg 273.). Children were expected to grow up quickly and begin contributing to their family’s economic well-being as soon as possible. Yet Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus is asking his disciples to humble themselves like little children. Children rarely act humbly. Often they think they are independent and in control. In reality, they depend on adults to meet their needs. God wants us to depend on him to meet our needs. If we do not, we end up exploiting people who are weaker than us (children).
Jesus used “little ones” not only to refer to children, but his disciples (Blomberg, 273). In Matthew 18:6 it is written, "But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." This is a stern warning to all in positions of power to raise children correctly. Jesus’ warning applies to us on several levels; we not only need to love, protect, and provide for our youth, but the poor among us, as well as the parts of us that have not grown up yet. Alice Miller, in her classic book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, explored the reversal that many children experience growing up. Instead of getting their needs met, many children learn to meet the needs of the adults in their life in order to survive. The consequences of this reversal are tragic. Often it is very hard for these children as adults to identify their own needs, protect themselves, and accept unconditional love. Those who were abused, rejected and abandoned as children often abuse, reject and abandon themselves and others when they grow up. In addition, it is very difficult for children who could not surrender and trust their parents to learn how to surrender and trust God, and safe people. One way to frame Jesus’ message is this; We need to come to God as little children. God will parent us, so we can give “children” around us what they need: unconditional love, guidance, healthy discipline, protection and provision.
Above everything, children need unconditional love. In 1 John 4:19 it is written, “We love because he first loved us.” Children learn to love by receiving love from adults. Good parents show their children love by giving them good gifts, showing them affection, blessing them, taking care of their needs, and spending time getting to know them. Good parents help children love themselves. In an ideal situation, children were created in a love relationship between their parents. Good parents have children because they want to love them. Good parents teach their children to ask for what they want and trust that when the parent does not give it to them, he is withholding out of love. Good parents let their children know when something is a gift, and teach their child to say thank you. This is not because the parent needs to be thanked, but because the child needs to learn to recognize gifts. Good parents choose to be vulnerable with their children. They choose to hear what their children are thinking and feeling, and they even allow themselves to hurt when their children hurt.
Good parents give their children guidance when they are able to hear it. It is uncomfortable to grow. When children are growing, they do not know what is happening. Good parents help their children take care of themselves, and develop good habits. Good parents help children through the pains of growing up. Good parents help their children learn how to work, play and love by first modeling for children and then helping them, step by step, do things on their own. Good parents don’t get mad when their children can’t do things, but provide scaffolding to make the learning process manageable. Good parents have children do chores to learn how to do menial, everyday acts of service, and learn to participate in community. Good parents carry heavy loads but have each child carry their own load. Good parents give the child ways to show love to others. Even though parents can do things more efficiently, the child participates in a labor of love, and the parent deeply appreciates it. Good parents wean children from things. Good parents sometimes withhold things so their child can take a step towards learning to do something themselves. This is a painful but necessary process.
At the same time, good parents give their children healthy discipline. When children are little, they assert their independence by saying, “no.” “NO, NO, NO!” But children miss out on the goodness of being in relationship when they say no to everything. Children sometimes develop destructive habits that rob them of their freedom. Good parents will not make their children receive goodness. They will let their child say no. But no has hurtful consequences. Good parents let their children experience negative consequences, so that they learn to trust their parents and say yes to them.
Children need to find rest and protection in their parents. Good parents create a safe place for children to rest. Children need to know the parent is in charge—only then the child can know the safety of being second. Sometimes parents wisely withhold inheritance and other gifts until the child can accept and use them responsibly. Good parents know when their children have been spoiled. They have been overstimulated. Good parents do not want their children to lose sensitivity to creation and the quiet whispers of the Holy Spirit. So they take away privileges to help their children gain sensitivity again.
Good parents provide for their children’s needs. This does not equate to giving children whatever they want. Sometimes children think they know what they want but parents have a sense of a child’s deeper desire. For instance, a child may think they want candy but maybe the child really wants extra attention and needs to feel special. Good parents do not always give child what they ask for because children don’t always really know what they want. Children do not always understand their parents’ provision. It’s not that the parent refuses to explain it, but that the child is not able to understand yet.
Most of our parents did not meet our needs growing up. Thankfully, If we are willing, we can come to God, the good parent, like little children. As we counsel the marginalized, and the poor, we encounter people who need to be re-parented by God. Good counselors not only do some of the things good parents do, but they bring their clients to a place where they can more readily receive God’s parenting. Many of us have not become fully functioning adults because the kids inside us are still too needy to grow up. Often counseling adults looks like respecting and caring for the children inside.
God has been teaching me that he is a good parent to the little children inside of me. I experience God disciplining me and allowing me to face the consequences of my decisions, while at the same time allowing me to crawl into his arms and protect me. I experience God teaching me to let him lead, so I can enjoy the safety of being second. I am even starting to sense God’s enjoyment of me. Some more grown up parts of me insist on creating a kingdom of chaos. The adult parts do not protect my boundaries and the children inside are beat up, and not safe. At the same time, I have spoiled children who have never been disciplined in love. I am learning to parent myself by experiencing God’s parenting of me.
When we are being parented by God, we can be good parents to children. We are all needy. If we do not meet our needs in God, we will meet them by exploiting children. We need to receive God’s unconditional love, guidance, healthy discipline, protection and provision, so we can give the same to kids.