The beginning

Sometimes I preach at my church. Its nothing I thought I wanted to do. It never occured to me that it was an option, or that I would like it. But Pastor John encouraged me and, since I have started it has been a cathartic experience. It forces me to draw conclusions about the information I have now. It gives me a deadline for applying scripture to my life. In the process of deciding what a passage means, I often have to change some things in my life to accomodate the truth. Here are John's expectations of us:

What we want from our preacher:

1. Prophet: prepare your heart. Preaching means you are aware that you stand before God as you say these words. God/Christ are your primary audience. The rest of us are listening in and want to hear from God.
2. Pastor: help us to help us feel the love of Christ. So. You must be in touch with Christ’s love to be congruent! It doesn’t have to be “perfect” but you must be in as good a place as you can… “all prayed up.”
3. Priest: help us see how to come into the presence of God/Christ. How did your material get you there?
4. Witness: use scripture wisely, to help us feel and understand God. Don’t just give us pleasant thoughts about how to be healthy or whatever…. We want something out of the Bible. Maybe read a Bible commentary on your passage. But that has to somehow help us in our relationship w God and Christ!!!!
5. Child: own whatever you’re trying to tell us. How is this real to you? How is it touching you? How is it informing your life? How is it making you grow? If you are “above” whatever you are talking about, just sit down and pray.
6. King/Queen: how do you want us to change? Preach to our will. What do you want us to do with/about this? How do you want us to grow up?

So with all this on my mind, plus a disturbing conversation with Jimmy, I finally decided that my connection with him had to be severed, even if Dream Jimmy was still around. Here is the sermon that I gave in October that finally led to a goodbye:

Question: What does hospitality look like? Is showing hospitality always the right thing to do?
I hate to be stuck in the same old tired stuff. Yesterday I was looking through old emails from Pastor John…I have been at this church over two years now! Weird. All that time there is all this candy and Jimmy drama. These days we are all talking about change, what it means to be progressive. How would you change the Bible to reflect your life?
“Taste and see that processed refined sugars are good, blessed is the woman who takes refuge in them.”
Or “Fear the lord your God and serve him only unless Jimmy dumps his cheep hoe girlfriend”.
“Those who hope in the lord and go on shopping sprees at Nordstrom’s that they can’t afford will renew their strength.”
I want to talk about how we show hospitality to strangers who are destructive in our lives.

First I want to play a song. Its called "The Stranger" by Leonard Cohen.

It's true that all the men you knew were dealers
who said they were through with dealing
Every time you gave them shelter
I know that kind of man
It's hard to hold the hand of anyone
who is reaching for the sky just to surrender,
who is reaching for the sky just to surrender.

Chorus 1
And then sweeping up the jokers that he left behind
you find he did not leave you very much
not even laughter
Like any dealer he was watching for the card
that is so high and wild
he'll never need to deal another
He was just some Joseph looking for a manger
He was just some Joseph looking for a manger

Chorus 2
And then leaning on your window sill
he'll say one day you caused his will
to weaken with your love and warmth and shelter
And then taking from his wallet
an old schedule of trains, he'll say
I told you when I came I was a stranger
I told you when I came I was a stranger.

But now another stranger seems
to want you to ignore his dreams
as though they were the burden of some other
O you've seen that man before
his golden arm dispatching cards
but now it's rusted from the elbows to the finger
And he wants to trade the game he plays for shelter
Yes he wants to trade the game he knows for shelter.

Ah you hate to see another tired man
lay down his hand
like he was giving up the holy game of poker
And while he talks his dreams to sleep
you notice there's a highway
that is curling up like smoke above his shoulder.
It is curling just like smoke above his shoulder.

You tell him to come in sit down
but something makes you turn around
The door is open you can't close your shelter
You try the handle of the road
It opens do not be afraid
It's you my love, you who are the stranger
It's you my love, you who are the stranger.

Well, I've been waiting, I was sure
we'd meet between the trains we're waiting for
I think it's time to board another
Please understand, I never had a secret chart
to get me to the heart of this
or any other matter
When he talks like this
you don't know what he's after
When he speaks like this,
you don't know what he's after.

Let's meet tomorrow if you choose
upon the shore, beneath the bridge
that they are building on some endless river
Then he leaves the platform
for the sleeping car that's warm
You realize, he's only advertising one more shelter
And it comes to you, he never was a stranger
And you say ok the bridge or someplace later.

Chorus 1

Chorus 2

I always took this song as a good old fashioned man-hating song. The woman seems like the victim of a player who doesn’t really know what he wants, or knows what he wants but just wants some comfort for a while. This week I was convicted of the woman’s culpability in the song.

2 John is a weird book….its short…the shortest one in the Bible. It’s a follow up to the message in 1 John, which I think can be summed up as this: You can’t separate love and God…To love is to know God. We know God through Christ. Don’t make up your own idea of God, and your own style of love, follow Christ!
2 John reiterates some of these points. John is talking to a lady who is following Christ. He reminds her that the command is to love one another, and that real love is following Christ’s commands.
Then it gets unusual. He tells her not to show hospitality to people who deny Christ’s teachings.
2 John 7-11. There are a lot of smooth-talking charlatans loose in the world who refuse to believe that Jesus Christ was truly human, a flesh-and-blood human being. Give them their true title: Seducer! Deceiver! Antichrist!
Be very careful around them so you don't lose out on what we've worked so diligently in together; I want you to get every reward you have coming to you. Anyone who gets so progressive in his thinking that he walks out on the teaching of Christ, walks out on God. But whoever stays with the teaching, stays faithful to both the Father and the Son.
If anyone shows up who doesn't hold to this teaching, don't invite him in and give him the run of the place. do not receive him [do not accept him, do not welcome or admit him] into [your] house or bid him Godspeed or give him any encouragement.
For he who wishes him success, who encourages him, is a partaker in his evil doings. You are giving him a platform to perpetuate his evil ways, making you his partner.
It’s weird thinking that there are limitations to hospitality. That God might have some commandments against us showing hospitality in certain situations. Being part of this church, we have already decided that Christ shows hospitality to the poor, broken, needy, and crazy. We show hospitality to many who don’t believe in the message of Christ.
Historically this book is about supporting the ministry of the Gnostics. Opening your home to a Gnostic was equivalent to supporting the message he was spreading throughout the Empire. It was not just showing kindness, but backing the message, supporting the ministry.
This week, God has convicted me of indiscriminate hospitality—of being hospitable to other lovers. 2 John, the woman getting word from John was either the church leader or the leader of her family. Showing hospitality of a Gnostic not only strengthened the message, it put her and her family, and what they stood for, in potential danger. At best, the energy that the woman devoted in showing hospitality to a Gnostic preacher could not be given to an itinerate follower of Christ. At worst, she could be in danger of losing her first love.
A part of this Leonard Cohen song has haunted me all week. Jimmy called me at 2:00 last week professing his love blah blah blah, asking if I’d leave this weekend open for us and his girlfriend to hang out. Being the Jimmy’s ever-willing emotional hostess I answered the phone at 2:00 and talked with him for an hour, and went through a week and a half of manic behavior (over spending, over eating, a ridiculously expensive facial an expensive haircut that looks strangely like Slash from Guns n’ Roses except not curly--or maybe Rod Stewart, along with max levels of stress, and consuming a ridiculous amount of candy.) For whatever reason, what Jimmy is offering feels like love to me.
You tell him to come in sit downbut something makes you turn aroundThe door is open you can't close your shelterYou try the handle of the roadIt opens do not be afraidIt's you my love, you who are the strangerIt's you my love, you who are the stranger.
It occurred to me that I did this to myself! I let him in to a place that I can no longer seal up! I have lost some security; somehow I have put my internal family in danger. Then I let candy and overspending in to. Then it was Jimmy, Candy, and overspending at the dinner table in my head drinking all my creative energy and goodness. And I feel nuts. Then I saw it…And the song says that I am a stranger too. I am not actively looking for another lover besides Christ, but I am passively letting other lovers in.
So how do you know if the hospitality you are offering is Christlike or not? I think that if we are inviting others to see Christ with us we are doing his will, but if we are inviting other lovers in we are not doing his will!
So how do we get them out!!!???
The book mentions truth five times in four verses!
2 John 1-4: To the chosen lady and her children, whom I love in the truth—and not I only, but also all who know the truth - because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father's Son, will be with us in truth and love. It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us.
How does truth keep us from inviting in other lovers? The one lover I invite in a lot is candy!! It happens so subtly. I am being so good that I reward myself with just one cookie until it becomes 6 candy bars and two ice cream bars in a day. Friday, I ate a whole box of ‘Nilla wafers and two candy bars, yesterday a whole thing of Milano cookies and milk..Dang. If I knew the truth about how abusive this is I think I would stop..
This guy Mike Geary sends me his emails, and here is the latest: “Why do some of us see junk foods and not crave them at all (and even view them as disgusting), while others see junk foods and cannot resist the temptation? For me personally, I can say that I think the reason why junk food is so revolting to me is that I've spent so many years reading about all of the negative effects that these foods have on your body... and digging into the actual science and the negative cellular reactions that they cause within your body. I have ingrained in my head over the years that these foods are pure evil and therefore, I have no desire to eat them. In fact, my dislike of junk foods is so deeply rooted at this point in my life, even the smell of deep fried chicken or donuts sometimes can make me feel sick, whereas the smell of a healthy meal makes me feel energized. Everyone always said I just had "discipline"... but now that I've actually thought about it more, I've discovered that it's not discipline, but rather that my brain views junk foods with such a negative view, that the thought of eating junk food almost makes me feel sick. Keep continually educating yourself on nutrition and how different types of foods are processed and react in your body. Hopefully, by learning exactly what is going wrong in your body when you consume trans fats or excess processed sugars, perhaps that will help you to view junk foods in such a negative way that you no longer crave them at all.”
I can mostly believe that bad food is bad for me. But there is a death there that I have to face that is hard. Food gives me the dopamine rush I need to comfort myself with. It may not be as good as God, but I don’t have to trust God to get it--it’s there for me any time I need it. In order to move on I have to let God kill this thing. I have to let go of the good that I get from it. I have to trust that something is on the other side of it. I have to trust that even though I have been conditioned to believe that this is love, that it is not!
I know if I knew the truth about who Jimmy was he wouldn’t hold such a fascination with me. In The Cloister Walk, author Kathleen Norris quotes a Benedictine nun who spoke about her own early infatuation with a priest, and its role in her formation as a celibate: She broke off contact on the advice of her novice mistress, and about a year later, ran into the priest by accident.
“I realized then that my obedience had dispelled the mental image that I’d built up of him. My infatuation hadn’t taken the real person into account. I found that love starts when you see the real person, not the one you’ve invented…I learned…that what matters is not that you’re good, but that you trust.” She trusted in her guides, in the process, and in her decision—the decision to enter the monastic life. “I finally realized that I had to keep in mind that my primary relationship is with God. My vows were made to another person, the person of Christ. And all of my decisions about love had to be made in the light of that person.”
So I did it, I said goodbye.
Hey,

It bothers me you didn't call to get together this weekend.

Our interactions aren't good for me. They send me into this weird state of manic self destruction/self improvement/self loathing. I don't understand it, but I don't want it in my life. It’s like a bad trip. (I haven't done drugs, so I haven't had a bad trip but this is what I imagine they feel like.)

So, I know you said when you were drunk you would do anything for me; Here is what I want: don't talk to me anymore. I know you have good intentions, I know you mean the best. I don't want you to even write me back and say so. I believe you. I believe in you, I want all the best in life for you. It’s just that having any sort of relationship is just no good for me.

It seems like you are thinking about and working on some cool things. I pray for God's peace and mercy on your travels.

See ya in Heaven? We will have eternity to catch up I'd imagine.

Find a good nun friend with better boundaries to take my place would ya?

Jaim

But with Jimmy I have some things to mourn. He was my muse. He was an unexpected excitement in a romantic life that looks like the Sahara desert. He held my attention. He allowed me to carry hope of an unbelievable romance with another human. I have to mourn that stuff and it sucks. It’s not something I wanted to do, even though I wanted him out of my house! My friend SL said she would help me with a Jimmy funeral which will be good.
So hospitality is an awesome expression of Love if we are able to bring our guests to the foot of Christ. But if our guests take the place of Christ and the message we have to get them out!! I think that If we are inviting others to see Christ with us we are doing his will, but if we are inviting other lovers in we are not doing his will!