Writing?

Wow--I finally decided to step off the cliff of competence and free-fall into the awkward new abyss of writing. Its easy for me to run every day even though I don't need to be a famous runner. I recognize the value of getting exercise. So why is it so hard to write--and face the possibility I may not be a fabulous and famous writer? Creating something has value in itself right? I guess writing is closer to the core of who I am. I want others (God even?) to recognize my creation as good. I want to say some thing new, or at least say something old in a different way. Sometimes its hard to believe I am "special" enough to do that.



But here three things I am trying to believe:



1) My friend said once that, "Everyone has a few sermons." In other words, we all have something we can say to the world, and no one can say it all. I don't want to become merely a consumer of other's wisdom. I want to be brave enough to explain my perspective, with the faith that I can say things a little differently than they have ever been said before.



2) "What is most personal is most universal"--Henry Nouwen. There is something about blogging that seems voyeuristic...like "emotional porn". However, I think it is possible to be vulnerable with my feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears, intuition--without exposing my self too much. At the same time, the more honest I can be, the more others will relate. I love that thought..that the farther I go in, the more the outside can identify.



3) We are constantly consuming these grandiose redemption stories; the beautiful woman saved from harm, rags to riches, average people finding themselves on incredible adventures, wars, arch-rivals, super powers, treasures found, rare talents, world-shifting events. I think we lose a taste for the subtle redemption story. My friend who has done a lot of drugs once told me something that relates to this. He said, "People use drugs because they want to experience transcendence. Drugs simulate the experience that monks have in prayer. However, with drugs, the high is immediate, use is controlled, and the high is far from subtle. At the same time, there is no relationship with the divine--only a sensation of one. When someone decides to find transcendence without drugs, its extra hard, because the "real thing" is so subtle and out of their control. I think the same thing is true for redemption stories. We only have a taste for the redemption stories in neon lights. However they aren't ours. We don't own them! If I can write my own redemption story--maybe one that is too boring for Hollywood--others would be brave enough to write their own, not-too-action-packed story.

I am beginning this story before my "redemption". I am sure I have had some significant "lost-but-now-I'm-found moments in my life so far, but I intuitively sense that I am in the beginning of a journey towards a significant breakthrough--that I am moving from a lonely, scattered indirection to a place of identity. I am calling my redemption story, "How I finally got over Jimmy." Maybe what is really going on is I am willing to believe that redemption happens to us all, if we are willing to pay attention. I fancy myself a journalist, chronicling an event I am sure is worth covering. Jimmy is sort of a real guy, and sort of not. He does exist, somewhere in Chicago, but the real Jimmy is not even close to the Jimmy in my mind--the one who shows up in my dreams. I think I will have moved somewhere significant when I can finally stop believing that the Jimmy in my mind exists in real life, and has anything to do with Chicago Jimmy. The Jimmy in my mind is beauty, charisma, power. He has "it"--whatever it is. When he walks into a crowded room, everybody stares. When he commands others the whole words stops and hangs on his every word. I guess Dream Jimmy is God, the Devil, everything I am not, everything I want to be. Dream Jimmy is an archetype, a mythical hero, a misunderstood Marvel Comic character, my rescuer, the one who understands me, and can save me from a prison of despair, while at the same time telling me who I am. I think Jimmy is somehow a stand-in for Jesus.....

Since I am teaching middle school, I started reading the Twilight series. (Just to get in touch with the kids of course :) ) Its pretty addicting. I want a vampire boyfriend! (Dream Jimmy is sort of like Edward, the really hot Vampire who is in love with a seemingly average Girl.) One thing Pastor John said today was that we don't all get to be fabulous, but we all get to be in relationship with a fabulous God (Then he looked at me and gave me an air hi-five.) In the Twilight series, Bella, the "average" girl is somehow extraordinary, because Edward, this "god", loves her uniquely. Is this somehow true of all of us? That we all fabulous because we are loved uniquely by a "rock star" God?