Scary Religion

I have been pretty excited about starting food addicts anonymous. Sure it was strict, but maybe I needed that. I mean, I sure haven't gotten in control of eating yet...maybe I needed that kind of help. Here Some of the "suggestions" (meaning mandates if you want someone to sponser you and consider you "abstinent" or "working the program.").

-Attend three meetings a week plus an AWOL phone meeting (this is 6 hours of meetings a week!)
-Find a sponsor "that has what you want" - that person will tell you the food plan (I found out on the internet that the only reason it's not written down is because OA got sued by a dead anorexic girl's parents in the 80"s), as well as take three phone calls a day to other food addicts in recovery (your friends and family don't count...). This is 7 hours a week worth of calls....SO this program is a 13 hour a week commitment. That is a part-time job!! I hate being on the phone...I am not going to be on the phone 7 hours!!
-Write down your food each night
-Weigh and measure your food, nothing in between, no flour, no sugar and avoidance of all binge foods. The meals have to be 4-6 hours apart, and you must sit down at a table and eat for 20 min, no distractions. The meals are as follows: Breakast-- 2 oz oatmeal, 8 oz non-fat plain yogurt, 1 fruit Lunch--4 oz protien, 8 oz cooked vegetables, 8 oz salad, one piece of fruit. Dinner--4 oz protien, 8 oz cooked vegetables, 8 oz salad. With each salad you can use 1 tbs olive oil or salad dressing with no sugar in the first five ingredients.

Spiritual commitments:

-Read two pages from the Big Book each night.
-Get down on your knees each night before bed and thank God for abstinance.
-Call your sponsor every morning and tell them what you will eat, and ask food questions. The lady I called said she had a slot open at 5:45.
-Meditate for thirty minutes in the morning
-Read a page from the 24 Hour a Day book
-You may not raise your hand or participate in the group until you have 90 days of "abstinence".

I called a lady I thought could sponser me. Her story was similar to mine. She wasn't too overweight, she just felt controlled by food. It was hard for others to understand because she was so athletic--shouldn't she be able to eat what she wanted? She joined the program, lost thirty pounds, feels great, blah blah blah. I called her Saturday and let her know I was interested in the program and wanted to be sponsered. I told her some of my limitations. It was clear she was not really interested in hearing them. I felt a little concerned, but I prepared the beginning of the week, and called her again Wednesday to discuss the program. I couldn't get ahold of her, but had her email so I sent her the following email:

Hillary,

I called you tonight because I am ready to start practicing abstinence. My five-day carbohydrate cleanse did not go as well as I had hoped. I fell off the wagon today...dark before dawn right? I binged on fiber!! AAHHHH! I am not feeling great right now.

I didn't really like the way our conversation went on Saturday. I liked your story at the meeting and I also liked your story I read in the Food Addict magazine (Claudine gave me a copy and it was the one with the story you had written.) I think you would be a good sponsor for me.

Here is the deal: I fight with kids all day long, trying to get them to learn math, and I get a million excuses. Pretty soon I can't hear the excuses anymore, because they are all the same, and they aren't going to make the kid better. I had a feeling that that was where you were coming from--you were hearing the same old excuses from me...("I can't go to meetings", "I can't start just yet.....")

I am not being prideful, I have hit rock bottom...But I am scared of becoming legalistic. It has nearly destroyed my family, and my capacity to love God. I sat down this weekend and tried to break it down for myself. Here is my definition of legalism: Legalism is us trying to please God and others. It is also me convincing others that they need my Religion. FAA is a religion. I am convinced I need it. To ground me. To remind me. To tap me into the peace that has already been made by Christ. On the other hand, I got the feeling that you would expect me to do things exactly like you. I am not comfortable with that. Any ritual that merely piles on a whole new weight of all the ways that I fall short in…this is not Christ-centered. There are certain things I can not commit to right now.

I CAN commit to abstinence, whatever food plan you give me, calling you once a day, other stuff maybe. I can commit to the Thursday meeting. In the future, I could commit to Saturday meetings (in approximately 2 months), and maybe if I am not out of my mind frenetic, the Monday meeting (in approximately three months).

However, Program can't be first for me, it feels wrong. My relationship with God and others, including myself, are first. If I spend the rest of my life overweight and worried about food I would not be happy. But, I will not live incongruent with what I think God wants from me. I think he wants abstinence, but I know he doesn't want me to become too controlling, or to feel controlled, or try and please you or other people. I get what you mean about putting the program first--it allows you to be in a position to serve others. It makes sense.

Here are questions I hope I can keep coming back to:

Does my religion reflect my love for God? Or does it show that I love control/rules/something else more?

Can I thank God for my Religion?

Does it help me love myself/others?

I would like to work with you. If you read this and think, "I would not like to work with her, she seems like a self-righteous bitch," you can tell me no and I won't hold it against you :) Jaim

We got ahold of each other the next day. She started telling me what the expectations would be if I worked with her. It was clear she was not happy I couldn't fulfill all commitments, but what I had to offer was good enough for now....as long as I reoriented my whole life around the program soon. Then we got to the salad dressing conversation.

"I don't like salad dressing." I stated. "Can I put the olive oil on the cooked vegetables or meat?" She rehearsed a sing-songy line, "I would have to talk to my sponsor." "Could I just use the olive oil to cook the meat and vegetables?" That she knew the answer to, "You definitely couldn't cook with it. You could put it on only after you weighed and measured your meat and vegetables." "I can put it on my meat, but I can't cook it?" "Yes." "But why?" "I can only pass the program down as it has been passed on to me by my sponsors."(she would say this same line at least 3 more times in the next 5 minutes) I started freaking out...really?

I asked her about going over to my friends house for dinner tomorrow night. "I know she is serving fish and salad. If the salad has bits of fruit and blue cheese, can I eat it?" "It's best if you take your own food." "But I am skiing all day--you are telling me I need to take some cold chicken breast and broccoli to this girls house?" "Yes." "But it seems crazy!" "I can only pass the program down as it has been passed on to me by my sponsors. Maybe you should try a few more meetings until you are ready to commit." "Oh heck no!" I started bawling. I guess because it was a loss--this program certainly was not going to work. Also, I was frightened. I almost joined a cult. Now that I think about it, at the meeting there were a lot of happy, shiny people. I do not want to come a robot!

I called my pastor, my friend Puck, and my friend Shelly. I won't go back to that meeting. I do know the party line for why--right out of the big book-- I am "constitutionally incapable of being honest" - "there are those unfortunates"-

My pastor gave me a book once called Masculine & Feminine: The Natural Flow of Opposites in the Psyche, by Gareth Hill. In that book, he talks about four polarities that human find themselves oscillating through. Static Feminine, Dynamic Masculine, Static Masculine, and Dynamic Feminine. Each polarity has certain positives and negative. We are healthy if we are continuing to move through the positives of each and not getting stuck in the negatives. The Static Femine represents traits like nurturing, care, belonging, but can also demand conformity and discourage individuality. The Dynamic Masculine represents power, determination, bravery, the "hero"; but it is also the "dictator." The dynamic feminine is creativity, fun. It is also madness.

Finally, the positive Static Masculine are rules, regulations, Systems of meaning, Hierarchies of Value, Theories of truth, Standards, persona, The GREAT Father. The negative Static Masculine is organization for it's own sake, complacency, rigid expectations, dehumanizing righteousness, inauthenticity, petitness, (the bitter, envy-ridden old man). I guess I must be trying to move into this energy, but haven't found a good way to do it yet.

I wrote this lady I knew from Overeaters Anonymous. The hard thing with Overeaters Anonymous is you define your own abstinence. You decide what you need. But after Food Addicts in Recovery that seems like some serious grace.

Here is what she wrote me: I suggest you keep a journal and write while you eat. Write what you eat..your hunger level, your emotions/worries/hopes at the time. Connect with God before each meal. Acknowledge your powerlessness. Read whatever literature you have. Grab an oa newcomers packet on Sunday...a big book if you don't have one, and I find the OA 12 x 12 and daily reading book very helpful. There are usually loaner "lifeline" mags at meetings...and some oa approved literature at libraries to check out.When you read write down what pisses you off, you can relate to, etc..whatever gets triggered. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over food-and our lives became unmanageable. Some say, We admitted we were powerless over our lives and our food became unmanageable. Food has been our way of coping...we need and there is a new way! The first 3 steps are: I can't- God can- I will let him. Soak in "I can't" left to my own unsteady willpower..sooner or later I fall. Allow yourself to be at bottom....God sees you. Touch base with me as often as you'd like...a sponsor relationship allows you to know how willing you are to go to any lengths to find serenity..abstinence...a new way of living. I'm privileged to join you on the journey~My new nice sponser Lady