Consolation Prize

Last wednesday, I was in some huge unrest. I had a busy day. School, than rush down to Wash park and walk with my Reverend friend from OA, then Bible Study with the church plus Boyfriend and Sara. My bike felt like it was falling apart too, so I took it to the shop and dropped it off before I met my friend. The bike shop said they could fix it while I walked with my friend, so I left it there, and walked to wholefoods where I walked in a trance to the freshly baked cookies, bought one and ate it on my way the park where I met my portly, happy Overeaters Anonymous friend.

Rev:What do you think I can help you with?
ME: I don't know.
Rev: What are you passionate about.
Me: Nothing, really, I am ambivolent about everything.
Rev: Are you passionate about the guy you are with?
Me: Well, as much as I am about anything, he's great.
Rev: Could you marry him?
Me: (flippantly) Why not?
Rev: (sarcastically) That sounds like a solid foundation.
Me: Look, I don't know what I want. I am ambivolent about everything. Theres nothing I know I should do, know I should pursue. I am not that excited about anything. Like a big, dumb ox, I just keep my head down and trudge through, able to pull heavy loads mindlessly around to the next commitment, then next phase. There is a song by They Might Be Giants with a line in it that says "Now I'm gone and I'm dead and I havent done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do." So I guess thats my dirge I sing.
Rev: Fascinating.
Me: (Wryly) yah.

Then I walked to the bike shop, frustrated I didn't have time for another chocolate chip cookie, but consoling myself that I could get one on the way to the bible study.

My bike wasn't ready, but Eric worked past closing to get it done, and then invited me for a drink. At first I accepted but realized that I had no time, so I postponed, not remembering that I had resolved not to drink anymore.

On the way to the bible study, Boyfriend called and canceled, and Sara called and canceled. I didn't have time for a pastry. By the time I got to the Bible study I was full of black thoughts. I slung my ball cap low around my eyes, and let the crew know I was in no mood for extra attention.

We opened up with prayer, and started in Luke. Luke starts off with an explanation about how Luke came to write the book. He was not a first-hand witness, but he interviewed all the men and women who knew Jesus first-hand and picked out the pieces he thought were important.

John: If you were writing the Bible, what is the top story you definitely would include?

Hal: I would definitely include Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane. Thats the most real, human moment Jesus had. He was begging God not to have to die on the cross. That was powerful!

Pastor Peg: I think I would put in the story about Jesus going to the tombs and healing the mad man would have to be in there. That guy wanted to follow Jesus but Jesus told him to stay there, he had a mission right there. I think we all have a special mission.

Greg: I like the story about the woman touching the cloak and getting healed. It means that the power to heal wasnt' just in Jesus, it was all around.

Me: I guess the story of the prodical son. I can't seem to find the middle. I am either the the prodical on a grateful return from my own self-will, or I am a ungrateful, obedient older son, trudging along dutifully, but not really happy.

John: my favorite was the story about Jesus coming in the clouds. thats neat. Next question: Lets say there is this giant, hypathetical Bible that includes all of our stories. What one story in your life would definitely make the books?

Josh: Well, I used to go on walks in Alaska, and my mom told me God was walking with me, and I think he was.

Me: I don't want to be in the book.

Sara: well you have to say something!

Me: Ok, once there was a girl who didn't want to play the game, and then she died, and finally understood what the point of this whole charade was. (start crying)

Sara: When I met Pat. It was a blind date! I was not interested in meeting him. THe first time we went out it went really badly. But somehow, we grew on each other, and it has been the biggest blessing!

Kevin: When I married Katherine. I didn't realize there was a woman so perfect for me, that could make me this happy. Now I experience God's goodness every day through her.

Pastor Peg: Well, you know, I wander these streets, and I see all the addicts, and I preach in the dark alleys. The first time I heard God, I was walking by the mission, you know where everyone does crack? It was late at night. I passed some men I knew, smoking a crack pipe. They said, Pastor Peggy, don't go down that way, its not safe. But I told them, "The Lord is my protection." As I walked through an impound lot, it was very dark and no one was around. I heard the lord speak: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me." Now, I have heard that voice comforting me dozens of times.

George: I finally learned to love myself. After 52 years of hating myself, I finally learned to love myself. I am still fucked up, but I realized that I really did love myself. That has helped me to accept God's love, and to love others.

Hal: Well, you have to know, John and his share questions were a big part of my conversion story. I wouldn't have been able to accept Christ if it wasn't for John's stories. One day, I wrote a man a check, but realized if he cashed it it would bounce. I went to him and asked him to hold off until payday, and he refuzed. I thought this guy was my friend! I didn't have a phone so I went down to the 7-11 and used the payphone. I called my bank to see if there was anything they could do for me. They put me on hold for a very long time. Rage started to overcome me. When I get in a rage things are going to get ugly quick. I prayed, "Jesus if you are fucking real, you'd better come right now and save me from myself, because I'm fixing to get fucking ballistic!" Just then this increadible peace washed over me. My muscles relaxed, the tension in my body was gone. It was totally unexplainable except for the supernatural intervention of God. Thats all it took.

Finally the bible study ends and people try to hug me. I told everyone I didn't want their hugs and cried all the way home. Boyfriend had called. i really didn't want to talk to him or anyone else, so I tried to call when I knew I would get the machine.

Me (to machine): Boyfriend, i am calling you back, I really don't want to talk, I am inconsolable...ugh you are calling me right now, fine, I will talk.

Me (to Boyfriend): Hi, I really don't want to talk, I hate my life, I am inconsolable. I don't want to exist.

Boyfriend: Inconsolable huh?

Me: Yes. I don't want to exist. There is nothing I want more than that. Everything good in my life is just a consolation prize to what I really want which is not to exist.

Boyfriend: Jaimie there are other people who feal like this, everyone gets down.

Me: No, this is different. And I do appreciate you, but you are just a consolation prize to what I really want.

Boyfriend: Jaimie you think you are the only one who feels like this sometimes? You are not that special. You are not the most special person in the whole United States!

Me: (Suddenly my affect is completely changed...I start laughing) I am too special, I am so special!

Boyfriend: I mean your special, you are just not the most special ever. Listen, you have these fealings and you stuff them down with food. You didn't today, so they are raw, they are right in front of you. I have those fealings too but i stuff them down with pot. We are self medicating to avoid this stuff. When you feal it unencumbered by your addictions, it is strong, scary. But its not abnormal.

Me: Thanks. You hit this button..I couldn't have told you to hit it, because I didn't recognize the beleif I was holding onto. Its something they talk about in 12 step groups. Its about everyone in the meeting thinking they are uniquely flawed. Or 4's on the Enneagram thinking they are so very special. I needed your reality check.

Boyfriend: Your welcome, I love you, get some sleep!

Me: Hey.

Boyfriend: What.

Me: You are a really good consolation prize!

Boyfriend: Ha!

I wasn't too proud of my juvenile behavior but it was really good to get my dark horse of depression out of the closet with Boyfriend. Its not easy to explain what its like in that space for me, he just had to see it.


John said after I told him Boyfriend's response to me,
"Hey. Boyfriend's stock went up when you told me his response to your MELTdown. StraightFORWARD! CommonSENSE!! Strength!"