Before I met you I sang about you;
You the home of barges and pirates
Casting reflections of flickering lights
Red/green/white...pale yellow moon.
Lucy and I loved to be with you.
We started playing this game
I would rush into you and find a deep place to stand still
And you would run away from me.
My foundations would crumble
I was suddenly speeding and trying to stand.
I didn't like your captivity
You forced me into steel hulls
To eat canned beans and white bread
I couldn't sense the invisible boundaries
that separated territories until I had
already crossed them, and angered hardened girls
I do not like being in you, but next to you
I remember healthy respect.
Humbled by your obstinate rythm
I paddle through your break
And catch a surge
Aware of times you have slammed me into a sandbar.
You have taught me about pelicans
Reminded me of the body I wish I had
Helped me feel Holy fear
Given me a vision of the perfect family vacation
Modeled the uneven swells of my soul
I miss you.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
attraction
I wish I could remember the name of these pills that were advertized at the last "First Friday". They were taste adventure pills. You could take them and it would be the same as eating an ice cream sunday, chewing on some steak or drinking lemonade. But without the calories, hassle, expense, time-investment, exercise of jaw muscles.
Romantic attraction is like that. It feels like the experience of love, but without the time investment, sacrifice, forced reflection, compromise. Someone suddenly shows up with a particular scent, silouette, mannerisms that reminds me of my "Secret Garden." The one where everything I want and everything I need will always stay a million miles away. (thanks Bruce) I attribute to this new blank screen all the parts of me I cant quite live into yet. This person becomes the rescuer of all that I have lost, and the doctor fixing all my broken parts. The projection is possible to maintain as long as this person stays aloof enough, doesn't say too much. Its takes hold easier if this person doesnt' have too many bad tattoos.
I need blank screens to play my fantasies. Because attraction tastes so good I keep on swallowing the illusion. But I am not getting any sustinence. I am not living in reality.
I want to learn to love a real person. One whos needs intersect mine sometimes and we sit soiled in same brokenness together. I would like real ice cream sunday too.
Romantic attraction is like that. It feels like the experience of love, but without the time investment, sacrifice, forced reflection, compromise. Someone suddenly shows up with a particular scent, silouette, mannerisms that reminds me of my "Secret Garden." The one where everything I want and everything I need will always stay a million miles away. (thanks Bruce) I attribute to this new blank screen all the parts of me I cant quite live into yet. This person becomes the rescuer of all that I have lost, and the doctor fixing all my broken parts. The projection is possible to maintain as long as this person stays aloof enough, doesn't say too much. Its takes hold easier if this person doesnt' have too many bad tattoos.
I need blank screens to play my fantasies. Because attraction tastes so good I keep on swallowing the illusion. But I am not getting any sustinence. I am not living in reality.
I want to learn to love a real person. One whos needs intersect mine sometimes and we sit soiled in same brokenness together. I would like real ice cream sunday too.
categoriahomis
That guy looks like a 7 on the ennegram
ENFP
Fear of mourning/loss
Greatest desire is to have fun.
He probably has a tendancy to overeat
Has fun mowing the lawn,
Moves on quickly after a break up.
She clearly is a codependent
She was the middle child in an alcohalic family
Goes to bed scared of being alone
Resents the people in her life that don't appreciate her
A capricorn or saggitarious
Likes cats, Stuffed animals.
That group defines themselves
by what they are not.
they are trying to be different.
Deeply convicted about their
ever changing convictions.
Their calender is
Full of protest.
That race blames us for their problems
They don't keep their dogs on a leash
Their men oppress their women
They have too many babies,
They are overweight and don't
teach their children manners.
That country is greedy fat and lazy
Their children are only good at
video games.
Their narrow-minded worldview
Creates Terrorists.
They like country music
ENFP
Fear of mourning/loss
Greatest desire is to have fun.
He probably has a tendancy to overeat
Has fun mowing the lawn,
Moves on quickly after a break up.
She clearly is a codependent
She was the middle child in an alcohalic family
Goes to bed scared of being alone
Resents the people in her life that don't appreciate her
A capricorn or saggitarious
Likes cats, Stuffed animals.
That group defines themselves
by what they are not.
they are trying to be different.
Deeply convicted about their
ever changing convictions.
Their calender is
Full of protest.
That race blames us for their problems
They don't keep their dogs on a leash
Their men oppress their women
They have too many babies,
They are overweight and don't
teach their children manners.
That country is greedy fat and lazy
Their children are only good at
video games.
Their narrow-minded worldview
Creates Terrorists.
They like country music
The great omission
I have been avoiding writing about my trip to see my sister and her family. The trip came after the tumult of my identity crisis concerning that ride across country. I fell off the proverbial wagon with food, and ate everything destructive I could think of eating, then met my parents at the airport.
Navigating food is difficult, but with my family it's even harder. My sister is probably the most unhealthy in her relationship with it, though she eats the most healthy out of anyone of us. She eats raw, organic vegetables and drinks raw, organic goat's milk. Occasionally she will have organic loose-leaf tea, some kind of cooked organic grain, or wild game. Its not the way she eats, but the way she thinks about food that gets scary...
First, nothing sends her into a rage more than "unholy" food. Her children have never had anything that is not organic. Even if every ingredient is organic but one teeny tiny thing at the end (pretty much every "organic" chocolate bar on the market has nonorganic soy lecitan as an emusifier) she will forbid consumption, and pour her wrath out at whoever exposed her or her kids to the thought of consuming it. In addition, she forbids consumption of organic sugar, any dairy product not from her goats, any kind of fun snack food, even peanut butter, jam, or cooked organic vegetables (the nutrients are depleated). She frowns upon organic bread, and would never eat it herself, but she allows the children to eat organic bread, organic sunflower butter, and raw organic honey until her garden is producing more.
Second, she always has health problems and refuses to consider the fact that her diet, consisting only of raw goat milk and raw vegetables, might be unbalanced. She has all sorts of joint probems, chronic fatigue, and her immune system is always crashing.
Third, everyone who doesn't eat like her faces her condemnation--which includes everyone. Mom, dad and I walk on egg shells in order to spend time with the kids. The dietary constraints are tough.
So when mom and dad picked me up, I had already been eating all morning. They had red vines and tootsie rolls, just to get them through the next session at my sisters. I inhaled all their candy as they drove back up to my sister's from the airport.
I know I am alergic to cow's milk, and I had a gigantic latte and cookies that morning at the airport. My body was not happy with me. I am also sugar sensitive, and ate more sugar than human beings should eat in a week on the way up to my sisters. Adding another layer of unhealth, I got tested after coming home from this visit and found out that I am really allergic to my sister's goat milk cheese which added another dimension to the discomfort of my digestive system...
It would be innacurate to tell you I was miserable. I stayed in a cool, expansive, empty room all by myself that had just been textured and painted in a doe-like white. The sun's rays coming through the skylight reflected off the walls with a comforting glow. I woke up naturally and the day unfolded slowly. In the mornings I got dressed in my running cloths and alternated doing a 4 or 5 mile loop on sparsely traveled dirt roads. The temperature was pleasently cool, and there were no mosquitos. I took my time, getting in a comfortable rythem, enjoying my body, alert for explosive movements in the trees from startled deer, and more invisible creatures. I loved waking up without an agenda, and wrapping myself in ponderosa pine, Douglas-fir and grand fir trees. The occasional western red cedar and western hemlock tower over devils club, lady fern, maidenhair fern and oak fern. My senses were full by the time I came in and took a hot shower, made some tea, and drank a goat milk/berry shake.
My sister and her family were just getting up by the time I got back in the mornings. They were living in a screen tent in the front yard. I often went back in my room to read and was pleasantly interrupted with a morning greeting from either Dinah or Ezekial. I was overwhelmed by the work to be done at my sisters home, and the tension that working there creates, so I decided early that my only job would be to hang out with her children. Enoch, her youngest child, is almost 1 and too young for me to feel comfortable hanging with, so I devoted most of my time and energy to pushing my niece and nephew in a swing, reading books, playing "horsie," coloring, making meals, or simply talking with Dinah and Ezekial. When they got upset (mostly because they were tired, and have no routine to rely on) I would slip away and let Jodi or Tom deal with it--because I just didn't want to be the bad guy.
My dad left the first day I was there, and my aunt, grandma, uncle and cousin came up the next day to celebrate my grandma, Enoch, and my birthday. Right before they got there, my sister managed to bring my mom and I to tears (she is able to find your biggest weakness and exploit it cruelly for no apparent reason). It was hard for my mom and I to fake stable, while my sister was hamming it up, with this syrupy charm that was almost buyable. The next day was equally psychologically painful, with more cruel words. My mom had planned on leaving wednesday, while I was flying out on Sunday. Both of us were ready to leave Tuesday morning. While we thought it over, my mom and I took the truck and the kids and picked up some sand along the road to make a sand pile. We came back, unloaded it, and made sand castles to take our minds off my sisters abusiveness.
It would be difficult and tedius to explain exactly what our family issues are, but basically my sister and her family are completely financially supported by my parents, who support them only to protect their three grand kids from homelessness and further instability. My sister continuously keeps all relationships on her terms by threatening to keep my mom dad and I from seeing the kids, and keeping tabs on and explioting all of our defects of character. At times I have good enough boundaries to keep out of the finance stuff, and avoid topics with my sister that we vehemently disagree on. However, when I am with my parents, I end up defending them, mediating, serving as this disfunctional diplomat.
Lessons I learned: I will not go to my sisters when my parents are there. That is the only way I can avoid getting in the middle of my sisters meanness. I will keep my visits around four days long. This is usually when it begins to unravel. I will continue to focus on the kids, and not worry about helping my sister with all he household duties she is behind on. I will try and chew my food more, and stick to three meals a day that I actually sit down for. This will be a big time commitment! About an hour a day sitting! But, I think it would be good.
Advice I would like to give my sister but will not because she is too mentally unstable: Maybe you need to eat something besides raw goat's milk and vegetables--it might help your chronic fatigue. If you find yourself not liking anyone on the planet, maybe you need to look at some issues within yourself, and lower your expectations. In addition, while the world might end in the next year, maybe you could make some sort of plan for beyond that just in case. Maybe you could take a few more showers, seeing as how you have hot, running water and all. Also, maybe you could be less cruel and more patient with our parents seeing as how they are completely funding your life! Finally, if your children get really upset and cry, they are probably tired, hungry, need to go to the bathroom, or need their diaper changed. So maybe you should try looking at that stuff first before you ascribe it to personality defects, demonic influence, some complex psychological issue, etc.
Advice I would like to give Tom, Jodi's husband, if I thought he was mentally/emotionally capable of accepting it--If you dont want the "looming oppression" of your inlaws, get a job! Drugs kill brain cells! People think its rude if you completely ignore them. Your complete hatred of money is incompatable to the balance you accrue every month on my parent's credit card. "Smokes weed" is not an automatically trust-building character trait to look for in your friends. Real Rastas believe that the last Ethiopian Emperor is the incarnated Christ, Ethiopia is the promised land, and honkeys like you are the devil.
Advice I would give Dina and Ezekial if they were old enough--I love you! God didn't create you with dread locks, you can cut them when you are old enough! Good job putting your toys away. Whatever you leave out will be thrown away. Stay tight. You two will have no other consistent playmate, and you will need to support each other. You will be behind in school but you are smart, and my parents and I will help you catch up. There is a whole world out there, and you can make different choices then your parents. Nothing is irredemable. We serve a good God who loves you and will make a way where there seems to be none. Make sure you don't eat poisonous mushrooms!
Navigating food is difficult, but with my family it's even harder. My sister is probably the most unhealthy in her relationship with it, though she eats the most healthy out of anyone of us. She eats raw, organic vegetables and drinks raw, organic goat's milk. Occasionally she will have organic loose-leaf tea, some kind of cooked organic grain, or wild game. Its not the way she eats, but the way she thinks about food that gets scary...
First, nothing sends her into a rage more than "unholy" food. Her children have never had anything that is not organic. Even if every ingredient is organic but one teeny tiny thing at the end (pretty much every "organic" chocolate bar on the market has nonorganic soy lecitan as an emusifier) she will forbid consumption, and pour her wrath out at whoever exposed her or her kids to the thought of consuming it. In addition, she forbids consumption of organic sugar, any dairy product not from her goats, any kind of fun snack food, even peanut butter, jam, or cooked organic vegetables (the nutrients are depleated). She frowns upon organic bread, and would never eat it herself, but she allows the children to eat organic bread, organic sunflower butter, and raw organic honey until her garden is producing more.
Second, she always has health problems and refuses to consider the fact that her diet, consisting only of raw goat milk and raw vegetables, might be unbalanced. She has all sorts of joint probems, chronic fatigue, and her immune system is always crashing.
Third, everyone who doesn't eat like her faces her condemnation--which includes everyone. Mom, dad and I walk on egg shells in order to spend time with the kids. The dietary constraints are tough.
So when mom and dad picked me up, I had already been eating all morning. They had red vines and tootsie rolls, just to get them through the next session at my sisters. I inhaled all their candy as they drove back up to my sister's from the airport.
I know I am alergic to cow's milk, and I had a gigantic latte and cookies that morning at the airport. My body was not happy with me. I am also sugar sensitive, and ate more sugar than human beings should eat in a week on the way up to my sisters. Adding another layer of unhealth, I got tested after coming home from this visit and found out that I am really allergic to my sister's goat milk cheese which added another dimension to the discomfort of my digestive system...
It would be innacurate to tell you I was miserable. I stayed in a cool, expansive, empty room all by myself that had just been textured and painted in a doe-like white. The sun's rays coming through the skylight reflected off the walls with a comforting glow. I woke up naturally and the day unfolded slowly. In the mornings I got dressed in my running cloths and alternated doing a 4 or 5 mile loop on sparsely traveled dirt roads. The temperature was pleasently cool, and there were no mosquitos. I took my time, getting in a comfortable rythem, enjoying my body, alert for explosive movements in the trees from startled deer, and more invisible creatures. I loved waking up without an agenda, and wrapping myself in ponderosa pine, Douglas-fir and grand fir trees. The occasional western red cedar and western hemlock tower over devils club, lady fern, maidenhair fern and oak fern. My senses were full by the time I came in and took a hot shower, made some tea, and drank a goat milk/berry shake.
My sister and her family were just getting up by the time I got back in the mornings. They were living in a screen tent in the front yard. I often went back in my room to read and was pleasantly interrupted with a morning greeting from either Dinah or Ezekial. I was overwhelmed by the work to be done at my sisters home, and the tension that working there creates, so I decided early that my only job would be to hang out with her children. Enoch, her youngest child, is almost 1 and too young for me to feel comfortable hanging with, so I devoted most of my time and energy to pushing my niece and nephew in a swing, reading books, playing "horsie," coloring, making meals, or simply talking with Dinah and Ezekial. When they got upset (mostly because they were tired, and have no routine to rely on) I would slip away and let Jodi or Tom deal with it--because I just didn't want to be the bad guy.
My dad left the first day I was there, and my aunt, grandma, uncle and cousin came up the next day to celebrate my grandma, Enoch, and my birthday. Right before they got there, my sister managed to bring my mom and I to tears (she is able to find your biggest weakness and exploit it cruelly for no apparent reason). It was hard for my mom and I to fake stable, while my sister was hamming it up, with this syrupy charm that was almost buyable. The next day was equally psychologically painful, with more cruel words. My mom had planned on leaving wednesday, while I was flying out on Sunday. Both of us were ready to leave Tuesday morning. While we thought it over, my mom and I took the truck and the kids and picked up some sand along the road to make a sand pile. We came back, unloaded it, and made sand castles to take our minds off my sisters abusiveness.
It would be difficult and tedius to explain exactly what our family issues are, but basically my sister and her family are completely financially supported by my parents, who support them only to protect their three grand kids from homelessness and further instability. My sister continuously keeps all relationships on her terms by threatening to keep my mom dad and I from seeing the kids, and keeping tabs on and explioting all of our defects of character. At times I have good enough boundaries to keep out of the finance stuff, and avoid topics with my sister that we vehemently disagree on. However, when I am with my parents, I end up defending them, mediating, serving as this disfunctional diplomat.
Lessons I learned: I will not go to my sisters when my parents are there. That is the only way I can avoid getting in the middle of my sisters meanness. I will keep my visits around four days long. This is usually when it begins to unravel. I will continue to focus on the kids, and not worry about helping my sister with all he household duties she is behind on. I will try and chew my food more, and stick to three meals a day that I actually sit down for. This will be a big time commitment! About an hour a day sitting! But, I think it would be good.
Advice I would like to give my sister but will not because she is too mentally unstable: Maybe you need to eat something besides raw goat's milk and vegetables--it might help your chronic fatigue. If you find yourself not liking anyone on the planet, maybe you need to look at some issues within yourself, and lower your expectations. In addition, while the world might end in the next year, maybe you could make some sort of plan for beyond that just in case. Maybe you could take a few more showers, seeing as how you have hot, running water and all. Also, maybe you could be less cruel and more patient with our parents seeing as how they are completely funding your life! Finally, if your children get really upset and cry, they are probably tired, hungry, need to go to the bathroom, or need their diaper changed. So maybe you should try looking at that stuff first before you ascribe it to personality defects, demonic influence, some complex psychological issue, etc.
Advice I would like to give Tom, Jodi's husband, if I thought he was mentally/emotionally capable of accepting it--If you dont want the "looming oppression" of your inlaws, get a job! Drugs kill brain cells! People think its rude if you completely ignore them. Your complete hatred of money is incompatable to the balance you accrue every month on my parent's credit card. "Smokes weed" is not an automatically trust-building character trait to look for in your friends. Real Rastas believe that the last Ethiopian Emperor is the incarnated Christ, Ethiopia is the promised land, and honkeys like you are the devil.
Advice I would give Dina and Ezekial if they were old enough--I love you! God didn't create you with dread locks, you can cut them when you are old enough! Good job putting your toys away. Whatever you leave out will be thrown away. Stay tight. You two will have no other consistent playmate, and you will need to support each other. You will be behind in school but you are smart, and my parents and I will help you catch up. There is a whole world out there, and you can make different choices then your parents. Nothing is irredemable. We serve a good God who loves you and will make a way where there seems to be none. Make sure you don't eat poisonous mushrooms!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Connecting
I left my phone at my house.
12 hourse without instant communication
Sara called me 7 times.
She was positive I was dead.
I left my computer at school
One night without facebook
Boyfriend wrote me a poem
I am worried since I took so long to respond, does he think I didn't like it?
I am not teaching anymore.
I gave my students my email address
Most of them told me
Unless I get a myspace and a texting plan it will be too hard to stay in touch
My sister does not have the internet
Nor long distance, TVs, media subscriptions
I can call her
But only between the milkings and garden work, the afternoon nap and a trip to the sand box
My blog is sort of anonymous
I try to remember not to use names...
But sara told me that she googled her name
and one of the rants on here was the first thing that came up!
Since I have been sitting here
Staring at my computer
With three others staring at their computers
I have missed five phone calls
Why do we avoid each other's presence?
We are too busy texting, calling, typing, reading
Buying, upgrading, uploading, downloading
searching, blogging, twittering, dialing
12 hourse without instant communication
Sara called me 7 times.
She was positive I was dead.
I left my computer at school
One night without facebook
Boyfriend wrote me a poem
I am worried since I took so long to respond, does he think I didn't like it?
I am not teaching anymore.
I gave my students my email address
Most of them told me
Unless I get a myspace and a texting plan it will be too hard to stay in touch
My sister does not have the internet
Nor long distance, TVs, media subscriptions
I can call her
But only between the milkings and garden work, the afternoon nap and a trip to the sand box
My blog is sort of anonymous
I try to remember not to use names...
But sara told me that she googled her name
and one of the rants on here was the first thing that came up!
Since I have been sitting here
Staring at my computer
With three others staring at their computers
I have missed five phone calls
Why do we avoid each other's presence?
We are too busy texting, calling, typing, reading
Buying, upgrading, uploading, downloading
searching, blogging, twittering, dialing
Chocolate
When you slide through my mouth, melt onto my tounge
I am gratefully present
I hear your dull snap as I put pressure on the right spot
Your smell brings me to my french village, my South American beach
dopamine pulses through my veins
But when you are gone I remember, I've compromized
You cost more than that tramp on Evans and Federal's lunch
You are not in the food plan
Did the villagers I lived with in Camaroon sweat all day
Picking the Coco pods you are made from, only to make $50 this
month and never be able to enjoy you?
Progressively, you become my crutch
Taste and see that Chocolate is good...
But I am not blessed taking refuge in you.
What are you offering me
Addicition, compromise, glutted numness
The kind of fun that refuses to remember to enter into reality...
Giving you up feels righteous
Like I chose the real work of identifying with the lowely..
Maybe I will develop a taste for a more subtle trancendence
The simple joy of being
But your stimulation is too good to give up
for now.
I am gratefully present
I hear your dull snap as I put pressure on the right spot
Your smell brings me to my french village, my South American beach
dopamine pulses through my veins
But when you are gone I remember, I've compromized
You cost more than that tramp on Evans and Federal's lunch
You are not in the food plan
Did the villagers I lived with in Camaroon sweat all day
Picking the Coco pods you are made from, only to make $50 this
month and never be able to enjoy you?
Progressively, you become my crutch
Taste and see that Chocolate is good...
But I am not blessed taking refuge in you.
What are you offering me
Addicition, compromise, glutted numness
The kind of fun that refuses to remember to enter into reality...
Giving you up feels righteous
Like I chose the real work of identifying with the lowely..
Maybe I will develop a taste for a more subtle trancendence
The simple joy of being
But your stimulation is too good to give up
for now.
Bus Stop
I know what it means to you when you hear, "do you smoke?"
Suddenly one who you thought was so different from you comes near
You with your plaid shirt, and perfectly holed Jeans
A middle-aged hispanic woman
A pierced, mohawked anarchist
Mullet with a cane
old man
Are suddenly your cosmic companions
On a journey to a peacefull nowhere
You smoke each other out.
It feels like the kingdom...
Peace. Tolerance feels like love
codependence feels like compassion
A common high feels like real connection
You would have more in common
with the people at the bus stop
of colfax and downing
Suddenly one who you thought was so different from you comes near
You with your plaid shirt, and perfectly holed Jeans
A middle-aged hispanic woman
A pierced, mohawked anarchist
Mullet with a cane
old man
Are suddenly your cosmic companions
On a journey to a peacefull nowhere
You smoke each other out.
It feels like the kingdom...
Peace. Tolerance feels like love
codependence feels like compassion
A common high feels like real connection
You would have more in common
with the people at the bus stop
of colfax and downing
Things lost this morning
Keys (If you are missing some maybe they are in the middle of the west lane of grant)
The possibility of riding on the bike trail north of Mississippi
Respect for you
My willpower over chocolate
The button off my space-age shift dress
The assurance of happily ever after
a bagel (if its yours its on the corner of 8th and Penn)
My earring--I found it though, ran-over, and I glued it back together with some super glue from la tienda convenience store
Hope that we can compromize without settling
$59.90 after I lost my button on my shift and had to get a new outfit; its hot
too...a rasburry mini and bandeau plus teal tank...it matches the earring I lost then found...
Time with my overeaters anonymous group
A cm off my bangs
The time to do my take-home test
faith that my mom would find a cheaper ticket than I did to NYC
the fantasy of putting asside that recent check for savings
interest in getting back on the food plan
confidence that we are going the same direction
The possibility of riding on the bike trail north of Mississippi
Respect for you
My willpower over chocolate
The button off my space-age shift dress
The assurance of happily ever after
a bagel (if its yours its on the corner of 8th and Penn)
My earring--I found it though, ran-over, and I glued it back together with some super glue from la tienda convenience store
Hope that we can compromize without settling
$59.90 after I lost my button on my shift and had to get a new outfit; its hot
too...a rasburry mini and bandeau plus teal tank...it matches the earring I lost then found...
Time with my overeaters anonymous group
A cm off my bangs
The time to do my take-home test
faith that my mom would find a cheaper ticket than I did to NYC
the fantasy of putting asside that recent check for savings
interest in getting back on the food plan
confidence that we are going the same direction
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