The great omission

I have been avoiding writing about my trip to see my sister and her family. The trip came after the tumult of my identity crisis concerning that ride across country. I fell off the proverbial wagon with food, and ate everything destructive I could think of eating, then met my parents at the airport.

Navigating food is difficult, but with my family it's even harder. My sister is probably the most unhealthy in her relationship with it, though she eats the most healthy out of anyone of us. She eats raw, organic vegetables and drinks raw, organic goat's milk. Occasionally she will have organic loose-leaf tea, some kind of cooked organic grain, or wild game. Its not the way she eats, but the way she thinks about food that gets scary...

First, nothing sends her into a rage more than "unholy" food. Her children have never had anything that is not organic. Even if every ingredient is organic but one teeny tiny thing at the end (pretty much every "organic" chocolate bar on the market has nonorganic soy lecitan as an emusifier) she will forbid consumption, and pour her wrath out at whoever exposed her or her kids to the thought of consuming it. In addition, she forbids consumption of organic sugar, any dairy product not from her goats, any kind of fun snack food, even peanut butter, jam, or cooked organic vegetables (the nutrients are depleated). She frowns upon organic bread, and would never eat it herself, but she allows the children to eat organic bread, organic sunflower butter, and raw organic honey until her garden is producing more.

Second, she always has health problems and refuses to consider the fact that her diet, consisting only of raw goat milk and raw vegetables, might be unbalanced. She has all sorts of joint probems, chronic fatigue, and her immune system is always crashing.

Third, everyone who doesn't eat like her faces her condemnation--which includes everyone. Mom, dad and I walk on egg shells in order to spend time with the kids. The dietary constraints are tough.

So when mom and dad picked me up, I had already been eating all morning. They had red vines and tootsie rolls, just to get them through the next session at my sisters. I inhaled all their candy as they drove back up to my sister's from the airport.

I know I am alergic to cow's milk, and I had a gigantic latte and cookies that morning at the airport. My body was not happy with me. I am also sugar sensitive, and ate more sugar than human beings should eat in a week on the way up to my sisters. Adding another layer of unhealth, I got tested after coming home from this visit and found out that I am really allergic to my sister's goat milk cheese which added another dimension to the discomfort of my digestive system...

It would be innacurate to tell you I was miserable. I stayed in a cool, expansive, empty room all by myself that had just been textured and painted in a doe-like white. The sun's rays coming through the skylight reflected off the walls with a comforting glow. I woke up naturally and the day unfolded slowly. In the mornings I got dressed in my running cloths and alternated doing a 4 or 5 mile loop on sparsely traveled dirt roads. The temperature was pleasently cool, and there were no mosquitos. I took my time, getting in a comfortable rythem, enjoying my body, alert for explosive movements in the trees from startled deer, and more invisible creatures. I loved waking up without an agenda, and wrapping myself in ponderosa pine, Douglas-fir and grand fir trees. The occasional western red cedar and western hemlock tower over devils club, lady fern, maidenhair fern and oak fern. My senses were full by the time I came in and took a hot shower, made some tea, and drank a goat milk/berry shake.

My sister and her family were just getting up by the time I got back in the mornings. They were living in a screen tent in the front yard. I often went back in my room to read and was pleasantly interrupted with a morning greeting from either Dinah or Ezekial. I was overwhelmed by the work to be done at my sisters home, and the tension that working there creates, so I decided early that my only job would be to hang out with her children. Enoch, her youngest child, is almost 1 and too young for me to feel comfortable hanging with, so I devoted most of my time and energy to pushing my niece and nephew in a swing, reading books, playing "horsie," coloring, making meals, or simply talking with Dinah and Ezekial. When they got upset (mostly because they were tired, and have no routine to rely on) I would slip away and let Jodi or Tom deal with it--because I just didn't want to be the bad guy.

My dad left the first day I was there, and my aunt, grandma, uncle and cousin came up the next day to celebrate my grandma, Enoch, and my birthday. Right before they got there, my sister managed to bring my mom and I to tears (she is able to find your biggest weakness and exploit it cruelly for no apparent reason). It was hard for my mom and I to fake stable, while my sister was hamming it up, with this syrupy charm that was almost buyable. The next day was equally psychologically painful, with more cruel words. My mom had planned on leaving wednesday, while I was flying out on Sunday. Both of us were ready to leave Tuesday morning. While we thought it over, my mom and I took the truck and the kids and picked up some sand along the road to make a sand pile. We came back, unloaded it, and made sand castles to take our minds off my sisters abusiveness.

It would be difficult and tedius to explain exactly what our family issues are, but basically my sister and her family are completely financially supported by my parents, who support them only to protect their three grand kids from homelessness and further instability. My sister continuously keeps all relationships on her terms by threatening to keep my mom dad and I from seeing the kids, and keeping tabs on and explioting all of our defects of character. At times I have good enough boundaries to keep out of the finance stuff, and avoid topics with my sister that we vehemently disagree on. However, when I am with my parents, I end up defending them, mediating, serving as this disfunctional diplomat.

Lessons I learned: I will not go to my sisters when my parents are there. That is the only way I can avoid getting in the middle of my sisters meanness. I will keep my visits around four days long. This is usually when it begins to unravel. I will continue to focus on the kids, and not worry about helping my sister with all he household duties she is behind on. I will try and chew my food more, and stick to three meals a day that I actually sit down for. This will be a big time commitment! About an hour a day sitting! But, I think it would be good.

Advice I would like to give my sister but will not because she is too mentally unstable: Maybe you need to eat something besides raw goat's milk and vegetables--it might help your chronic fatigue. If you find yourself not liking anyone on the planet, maybe you need to look at some issues within yourself, and lower your expectations. In addition, while the world might end in the next year, maybe you could make some sort of plan for beyond that just in case. Maybe you could take a few more showers, seeing as how you have hot, running water and all. Also, maybe you could be less cruel and more patient with our parents seeing as how they are completely funding your life! Finally, if your children get really upset and cry, they are probably tired, hungry, need to go to the bathroom, or need their diaper changed. So maybe you should try looking at that stuff first before you ascribe it to personality defects, demonic influence, some complex psychological issue, etc.

Advice I would like to give Tom, Jodi's husband, if I thought he was mentally/emotionally capable of accepting it--If you dont want the "looming oppression" of your inlaws, get a job! Drugs kill brain cells! People think its rude if you completely ignore them. Your complete hatred of money is incompatable to the balance you accrue every month on my parent's credit card. "Smokes weed" is not an automatically trust-building character trait to look for in your friends. Real Rastas believe that the last Ethiopian Emperor is the incarnated Christ, Ethiopia is the promised land, and honkeys like you are the devil.

Advice I would give Dina and Ezekial if they were old enough--I love you! God didn't create you with dread locks, you can cut them when you are old enough! Good job putting your toys away. Whatever you leave out will be thrown away. Stay tight. You two will have no other consistent playmate, and you will need to support each other. You will be behind in school but you are smart, and my parents and I will help you catch up. There is a whole world out there, and you can make different choices then your parents. Nothing is irredemable. We serve a good God who loves you and will make a way where there seems to be none. Make sure you don't eat poisonous mushrooms!