Deadlines

Today was a blue day. I have so many deadlines, yet nothing is very important to me.

I am training with my friend to run a marathon that I am not going to run. I have all this work to do to get my teaching licence--and I don't even know if I want to teach! I reapplied to a masters program in counseling, and start taking courses towards my counseling degree next week--I already abandoned it once because it didn't exactly feel like a fit. I am applying for a job living at a resort at the Great Barrier Reef....a one-in-a-million shot to borrow some time so I can figure out a "life plan." I am not sure what I will teach tomorrow, or the next day. Each day I am simply throwing something together, last minute. I have to finish about 10 books that are sitting around my house, plopped open to the page I left them on. Meanwhile, I just ordered three books from Amazon and have two on hold at the library--all on stuff I am mildly interested in. I am either strictly dieting or neurotically shoving carbs down as fast as I can put them in my mouth. I want to create a stable life, but I am planning to secretly abandon it all and start over--in Africa, or Ireland, or on the Great Wall of China. I feel like I am doing everything I can to find answers, cope with anxiety, "stay on task," but then I don't have any clue what to do.

I am a girl who heard about a treasure in a field, and sold all I had to buy the field. Only I have been digging and digging and still can't find a thing!! (Or I wouldn't recognize it if I found it!)
I want peace, but I am at war with myself! I am a champion of souls, but I leave mine to be victimized by my impulses, my intense anxiety, my fear. I am a thinker who is out of my mind!

Maranatha. Lord Come.