ANXIETY!!!

I check facebook at least 3 times a day, my yahoo acount 5 times, gmail 4 times, my outlook work account 7 times. I have approximately 14 candy episodes daily. From the moment I wake up until I go to sleep I am going as fast as I can, in circles. The to-do pile is stacked up in the corners of my brain like my dirty laundry, and the thousands of miscilanious paperwork on my bedroom floor (homoework from students, grad school papers, research, junk mail, old writings, four or five new calenders, binders full of self-help material and math, taxes, FAFSA, grant-writing information.) I don't read the Bible enough, and I rarely pray. I schedule time with important people only in time perscribed slots. I have no room for new.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I sent my video for the island reef job in the wrong format, that I have to preach in 3 weeks and I am not ready, that my spring break plans are not ironed out, that I am abandoning the kids at Henry World School because I am so easily overwhelmed. I just walked to Walgreens, bought $4 worth of candy, and scarfed it down. I worry about my sister, Africa, my gut. I wish I were more mellow, skinnier, peaceful, focused, spontaneous, decisive, powerful, fun. I frown/whine/gossip/complain/spew out negativity too much. I don't trust God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, and I swear a lot. I believe everyone is wrong but me.

Tomorrow I am going on an AA retreat. As soon as I get back, I planned to have people over for dinner. Next week the grind continues with one week until CSAPs. I have to schedule a financial planning session with Amy, but I am not ready to stop comfort spending. I have to write a grant for the teaching job I now know I don't want anymore. I lost my keys for my office at work, and I always steal chocolate from the principals desk. (And I steal Farley's Fruit Snacks from the cupboards in the staff room, even though I know they are for poor kids who can't get breakfast).

I exploited my 9th period class to make a video a job application for another job. I secretly hate some of my students. I talk about existentialism as if I understand it, partly because I know no one else does. I want to be a counselor mostly because I don't want to be a teacher (just like I wanted to be a Marine just because I didn't want to be in the Navy.)

I feel contrived, and patched up. I have this zit I keep on picking. I am the "stinky kid" at seminary. I throw fits whenever everything isn't perfect. I am forcing myself to eat this bad soup I made.

God, RESCUE ME!