Today I kind of went snowshoeing.

Hooray its valentines day! A day for celebrating romance!! I have never had a real valentine so it doesn't conjure up feelings of depression and lonliness unless other people start telling me they feel sorry for me, and then I start to feel sorry for myself...but only because self-pity comes so easy for me. Lee was the only guy I ever dated and we broke up in the beginning of February, so I just missed all the build-up, which was fine, because neither of us knew what to do anyway.

I am not sure I am missing much. I am not a flowers girl. And Chocolate? Like my grandma said tonight, "chocolate tastes just as good alone." I can affirm that statement. Dressing up and going to a fancy party or restaurant would be less awesome on valentine's day then other days, because it would be crowded and there would be a lot of pathetic couples feigning complete devotion, which I know wouldn't be the case for most of the couples, but I would still look around and feel insecure. (How come I don't feel complete, utter, wholehearted devotion?) Teddy Bears? Please. A poem? Maybe, but I don't need it on Valentine's day.

My couple friends have a really great Valentine's tradition. Every year, for Valentine's day and their anniversary, they plan a romantic getaway. One year she is in charge of Valentine's day and he is in charge of the anniversary, and the next year they switch. It takes the wierd cultural pressure off to round up some random gift, creates a yearly rythm of alone time together, balances creativity and spontenaity with responsible planning, and helps them justify budgeting and spending money on each other.

I avoided Valentines day blues by going on a snowshoeing trip with my friend Brian. I was cold, his feet hurt, so we really didn't last that long. But after driving up and back, and getting out for a couple of hours, we spent the majority of the day catching up. Brian likes to talk about sexuality, relationships, 12-step wisdom, and psychology. I like to ask people a lot of questions and talk about my catastrophic struggles, my theories, my crack-pot philosophies. Somehow hanging out with each other works. We drove up to Berthod pass. There were a ton of hot single guys back country snowboarding. They were probably all pot-heads so I didn't feel like meeting them. But its a nice reminder that there are men I am attracted to out there. Its easy to forget that in my little world of 7th graders, teachers, and homeless church people. I guess they might not have been single, they could have been getting some guy time in before they had to bring their teddy bears and flowers and opera tickets over to their girlfriends.

I was cooolllllddddd, because I wore some thin snow pants, an undershirt and a shell. That is usually all I need for snowshoeing but we were going slow and stopping a lot. We probably only went 1.5 miles, and sat down to eat snacks. I was too cold to sit down, but luckily Brian brought some hand warmers which I am still wearing because I am still cold. I can't say I made any broad-sweeping paradigm shifts, but I like the way Brian does the 12-step (Alchohalics Anonymous) program and I want to try it again.

I am not an alcohalic or a drug addict. I am sort of a food addict, but I am not grosely overweight and I just don't fit the typical profile of a regular at "Overeater's Anonymous." In some ways I don't fit because overeating is simply not my primary addiction. I am addicted to negativity, to self pity, and to anxiety. Food is just a side effect of these crazy addictions. I always thought it was just the external environment bringing this out of me. I mean, I have made myself do a lot of stressful, overwhelming things. As a kid I was stressed because I was too sensitive and felt compassion overload for the suffering of the world. I was also unpopular, and desperate to understand why. I was stressed in high school because I was a straight-A student, three sport athelete, constantly worried about what I wanted to do when I grew up, and how to get college paid for. Then I went to the Naval Academy where we took 21 credit hours a semester in addition to military commitments, sports, mandatory leadership lectures, and summer training. In the USMC, I was the complete antithesis of a natural. I do not thrive in structure, hate being in charge, find rules bothersome, don't do well being bossed around, have no attention to detail etc. I thought when I finally got out of the military I would be less stressed, feel less depressed, find myself in a pity-induced-chocolate-coma less. I moved to Denver, started grad school, and worked part-time as a bike messenger. Still too stressed. So I cut back to half time at school, half time as a bike messenger. (Still stressed!) Then no school, bike messenger. (stressed.) I quit that and became a teacher on an alternative licensure. I had to take 30 credit hours while teaching full time (out of my mind!!). This year, I am teaching, getting the loose ends tied up for my teaching certificate, and going to grad school (I eat at least a chocolate bar a day.) My mom suggested that maybe the problem wasn't my job ("Jaimie, you were stressed as a bike messenger!") So my chocolate problem is real, but my biggest problem is this negative doom I constantly feel. Brian reassured me that all addicts brains are stuck in this negativity. They are prone to addiction simply because their brains see only bad. The devil, this creature that seeks to rob, kill and destroy, only has to influence us to dwell in certain disaster, and we will eventually destroy ourselves. Brian says that every addict has a primary addiction to "self."

So I decided to go on an AA retreat next weekend. It might be a little scary, because I really don't want to meet a whole lot of new people, and I am hoping that I can just chill out by myself, or Brian, and not talk talk talk to random people I really don't want to be in relationship with. Plus 12-step is kind of a religion, and there are some real fundamentalists. However, I need to do something, because food is getting out of control. After all, I joined the "Biggest Loser" club at school and I am training for a marathon--I shouldnt be gaining weight!!

I gave Brian the money for the retreat, and then he asks, "How are you getting up there?" Well, I assumed with him!! He said he would find me a ride (ahh, scary, random time with someone I don't want to be with!) Owell, it still feels like the right thing to do.