In One Minute

The most important decisions I have made happened in a minute. In a minute I decided to go to the Naval Academy (mostly to avoid filling out more than one college application). In a minute, I decided to go into the USMC (to avoid paying back my college education trapped on a ship in the Navy). In a minute I decided to go to Africa for the summer (avoiding the nausea of boredom), to Papua New Guinea for the summer (avoiding suburbia). In a minute I decided to move to Colorado and attend Denver Seminary (avoiding the rain, and the admission that I had no plan). In a minute I decided to quit messengering and become a teacher at Montbello (avoiding the heartbreak of realizing that I was not going to mobilize the messenger community into global takeover). In a minute I decided to get rid of my car, to buy a $7,000 bike (to avoid renewing my expired tags, driving around doing pointless errands, visiting people I would rather not see, climbing 14ers alone in the winter, just because I had a car). In a minute I bought a house (to avoid financial irresponsibility). While many would see my life as a series of random successes, I know that the course my life has taken has been driven completely by the impulse to JUMP! I am not running to anything. I am running from boredom, despair, stagnation, complacency, normalcy. I am running from laziness and passivity. I am running from nothingness-- from a black pit of hopelessness--off a cliff of unknowing, hoping that I land in friendly waters.

I had one of those course-altering minutes today. Last week I decided to take a personal day, and I put in a request for this Wednesday. I didn’t realize at the time that this Wednesday is conference night for students who have been recommended for retention. I felt guilty about missing it, but I have some legitimate business I have to take care of, as well as a graduate course in the evening. I decided to call the homes of all of my students who are currently recommended for retention and let them know that I will not be present on Wednesday, and that they can call or come see me any time to talk about their child. One parent I called, Uriah’s grandma, started grilling me. “Why is he flunking your course?” “Well, grandma, because he does not take tests, do class work, or turn in homework.” “I don’t understand—you don’t make him?” “Well grandma, I can’t make anyone do anything. I can punish him, I can make sure he understands expectations, I can give him a pencil and paper, I can sit him down and go over the work, but I can’t make him write his name on the top of the paper, read the problem, copy the notes off the board, calculate the difference.” “Why don’t you keep him after school?” “Well grandma, because I already have 15 students a night who are below grade level and WANT help, and I barely get to all of them.” “Why don’t you keep him at lunch?” “Once again, Grandma, I have a girls math club that meets to discuss homework questions. I do have Uriah once every morning for 30 minutes. During this 30 minutes, Uriah has a chance to ask questions ,redo tests, work on homework, and study.” “Well it doesn’t seem like you are doing your job.” In that minute I realized I did not want teach here again. I won’t do this again. I am working harder than I can sanely work. Despite this I am getting nowhere. I am bailing water out of a sinking ship! So in my one minute, I am on a boat to China, taking a job at a resort beach in Australia, starting a new career as a grant writer, moving to Uganda, trekking out into the Utah Desert with juvenile delinquents.

But this time I have to it differently. My dad used to say, “Do something, even if its wrong!” I think this is good advice for slugs or people who need to be cattle prodded. But not for me. Its easy to do something else, even if it’s wrong. But I have no idea what is right! Before I jump I am going to do some research. I am going to do my best to look before jumping.

So I got an appointment with a career counselor. I started a writing class. I am getting some blood work done (maybe I have cancer or diabetes and that is why life seems so impossible!) I wrote a grant writing company about prospective jobs. I wrote my friend about outdoor school programs. I am going to therapy. I am going to bed early. I am reading a book called, I Want to do Something Else, but I am not Sure What it is. I am putting an application in to be a caretaker at an island resort in Australia (see http://www.islandreefjob.com/ ) . I am taking an “Introduction to School Counseling” course. I am talking to an older friend with a similar personality to mine about her path (she teaches but at an alternative school). I called my pastor and asked for some possible leads on jobs. Maybe I will start making more time to pray. Here is a start: Lord Come.

It has worked for most of my life to just jump. When I say “worked” I mean that I could muster up sufficient energy, courage, and delusional hope to believe that my salvation would be found in jumping. I don’t think I can close my eyes and jump off the cliff anymore. Maybe I haven’t ever jumped into a pit of alligators, but the water has been cold, dirty, stagnant. At the same time I am not staying on this cliff of restless wanderlust, “what ifs,” want-to-light-myself-on-fire Mondays. It’s not like I hate my job. I just hate the idea of settling for it for the next 20 years of my life, only to be burnt out, overweight, numb to my ambitions, compromised, and void of any creativity and passion.

I am off to read, I Want to do Something Else, but I am not sure What It Is.