Here are some email conversations John Hicks and I had about a year ago.
J. When are you going to take responsibility around this stuff? It is mean behavior, to do things that make you feel bad about yourself. Do you really think you can find a man that will love you better than you do yourself? Do you think you will be able to love another more than you do yourself????
Jamie. Let Christ into this mean part of J. Let Him love you!!!! Do it today. Do it right now! It is what you want Jimmy to do! (do it yourself and show the way!!!)
Feels fierce! Mercy,mercy,mercy
prayers
hks
Hi John, When I read this I cried. I didn't feel mad, just sad. I don't know what you mean, there is resistance, I feel shame but no guilt, no culpability. I compulsively eat. I feel bad about it. The reasons I want to stop feel vain.
I don't know how to show the way. Only one part of me is a follower of Jesus. There is a huge chunk of me with unmet needs that cant/wont/doesn't know how to let Christ in. Christian Jaimie can fast from candy and not eat it throughout all of lent! Non-Christian Jaimie believes Janis Joplin (Dynamic Feminine) more than Jesus...."honey get it while you can." Christian Jaimie cares about Jimmy but knows that I can’t do the moving to bridge the gap between us... NonChristian Jaimie says, "Get it while you can!" Ironically nonchristian jaimie is also the one that drives most of the weight loss, diet, fasting, deprivation movements. So when I hear you say this I think...time to start another big push/fight/crusade to restrict my diet because thats what God and Jesus and John think you should do.
By the way, the lady who gives me lithium tested me and found that I am highly sensitive to sugar and milk and I shouldn't eat them. So I ate chocolate and cheese all day because it was the last chance I would ever have again...
j.
SoJ.
Let me start w saying that I don’t care a bit how “big” you get. I have friends in every size and shape.
But I do care about you hurting yourself. A LOT!!! (Interesting that the lithium lady says, careful about sugar,milk.) And I’m sure Christ feels the same way. We love people w active addictions. But we don’t
hesitate to call it death!
25:1-13 - "In those days the kingdom of Heaven will be like ten bridesmaids who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were sensible and five were foolish. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. But the sensible ones brought their lamps and oil in their flasks as well. Then, as the bridegroom was a very long time, they all grew drowsy and fell asleep. But in the middle of the night there came a shout, 'Wake up, here comes the bridegroom! Out you go to meet him!" Then up got the bridesmaids and attended to their lamps. The foolish ones said to the sensible ones, 'Please give us some of your oil - our lamps are going out!' 'Oh no,' returned the sensible ones, 'there might not be enough for all of us. Better go to the oil-shop and buy some for yourselves.' But while they had gone off to buy the oil the bridegroom arrived, and those bridesmaids who were ready went in with him for the festivities and the door was shut behind them. Later on the rest of the bridesmaids came and said, 'Oh, please, sir, open the door for us!' But he replied, 'I tell you I don't know you!' So be on the alert – for you do not know the day or the time.
I hear this parable pushing us to a state of constant vigilance. And the focus of that vigilance being a
holy “selfishness” that keeps us in oil. That oil is the modalities that keep us focused on Christ and His
constantly anticipated company….
I hear you say that you want me to spell it out. How do you do it. I can tell you how I put it together,
but it’s much more important that YOU put it together however works for you. And the vigilance is even more important.
It feels like that brides wanted to borrow from their neighbor. It seems the point that they have their
own…. IS HIS COMPANY THAT IMPORTANT?
Nuts and Bolts for John: I do a lot of surrender prayers. At the least feeling of lonely. At the least
fatigue. At the least temptation. With all those fears. With all those challenging dreams. I’m incessantly letting him into my heart. “See, Jesus, this is who I am.”
At the beginning of the day, I take some time (even as Pat said, 5minutes) to hear from God, (scriptures,
share my left-over dreams, Henry books) etc. Even if it feels like going through the motions. The emotions
follow the patterns of death/life.
At the end of the day, I lay in bed and give back to Christ all of the outstanding events, relationships of
that day.
I also like sitting in the sunshine, talking to Christ and enjoying the texture of all that. I like taking
walks/hikes and enjoying creation and the perspective that brings on who Christ is….
I like to pray for my brothers and sisters. It helps me feel closer to Christ because he inevitably cares
more about them then I do! And I enjoy their company.
I like loving the poor (even though it’s a pain in the ass and not tranquil at all most of the time) because
there’s some crazy way in which I find Christ behind all those eyes!
This is funny. But I like my stuff. As I surrender it’s ownership to Him, I feel he gifts it back. So
it’s like a constant cycle of love and affirmation. I include my $ in that.
Lynne helps me know about Christ. Forgiving helps me know about Christ. My tons of really good friends help me know how friendly Christ is…
And Corp Worship
And asking for prayers
And confessing my sins (fucked up stuff) to several priests that I know
And Knowing OLD friends that endure all manner of suffering and still bless Christ's name
And music that stirs my soul
And music that is little stories that remind me
And movies that are stories that remind me (of how life might be and how hard it is for some)(and
remind me of the narrative of my own life)
And moods that grind me back to my center in Christ
And giving gifts to GOD (myGREED medicine)
And the miracle of spring.
And the wildlife that comes to visit
And Last night I was begging for $ for NTWK in the burbs. Begging helped me feel Christ
And they were very kind (at least to my face) and that felt like Christ
And on the way home turning over the projections felt like experiencing Christ
AND. As I'm tired, remembeing Camping under God's stars....
And Talking to my MOM that is a prayer!
And,and,and,and, I like him and I want him seeing every aspect of my life because I know He loves me
more than I love me.
Oil for my lamp!!!!!
Oil accumulates in these things. It burns in my lamp or is stored in my gas-can for later.
It seems like active addiction is asking this sort of company from some other substance, person,
ororororor…. But Jesus is the only quantity that I’ve bumped into that is safe to bow a knee to…. All the
others that I’ve tried have caused me great pain!!!!! Stop bowing down to anything other than Christ Jamie.
It’s w the greatest humility that I say these things….It could be my turn to suffer tomorrow! I hope
tomorrow holds love! (does this “spell it out”enough?)
Under the Mercy
hks
Thanks for writing about all of this. I will try and digest it. I think there are a lot of things I don't take responsibility for with Christ...Like my attitude and my moods and lack of gratefulness...It just feels like so much work...
Jaimie
Sunday, April 26, 2009
From Jesus to me.
Jaimie,
You have been doing really good with food. I can feel your love in that. Well done! Tonight was rough for you. I knew your pain. I wanted you to share it with me, but you stuffed it in with fruit, an english muffin with almond butter, some yogurt, some olive dip, lots of crackers, a grapefruit, some tea with cocoa powder. I nudged at your heart a few times. I wont force you, you know.
But I have something better for you. I don't want you to be depressed. I want you to be able to tell me you are hurt, that you need my care. I want you to ask for what you need, and not feel the need to stuff yourself. I want you to feel free to choose, and pursue your desires, instead of feeling ambivalent compulsion to go against your desires.
I am not demanding anything from you. I am gentle. Come to me with your burdens. I will give you rest. I ask you for everything. But trust me, I am generous--I will give even more back. With me you can choose life. You can vent! Jaimie, ultimately, I am the only one you can safely surrender to. All other surrenders can cause you harm (even surrendering to relatively safe boyfriends.)
Its ok to start again tomorrow. You can start right now. Come here, I love you, your mine.
Jesus
You have been doing really good with food. I can feel your love in that. Well done! Tonight was rough for you. I knew your pain. I wanted you to share it with me, but you stuffed it in with fruit, an english muffin with almond butter, some yogurt, some olive dip, lots of crackers, a grapefruit, some tea with cocoa powder. I nudged at your heart a few times. I wont force you, you know.
But I have something better for you. I don't want you to be depressed. I want you to be able to tell me you are hurt, that you need my care. I want you to ask for what you need, and not feel the need to stuff yourself. I want you to feel free to choose, and pursue your desires, instead of feeling ambivalent compulsion to go against your desires.
I am not demanding anything from you. I am gentle. Come to me with your burdens. I will give you rest. I ask you for everything. But trust me, I am generous--I will give even more back. With me you can choose life. You can vent! Jaimie, ultimately, I am the only one you can safely surrender to. All other surrenders can cause you harm (even surrendering to relatively safe boyfriends.)
Its ok to start again tomorrow. You can start right now. Come here, I love you, your mine.
Jesus
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Meltdown.
I sensed the inevitable crash coming Wednesday morning. I didn't know how or where, but I was going to slip.
I have been absorbing massive amounts of new information, trying to save the world, experiencing a completely different mode of existence, and my brain can't take any more. Having Boyfriend in my life has been great--but we don't have a lot of spare time and sleep is the area in my life that has been sacrificed. I have been energized by the crush, his attention, new experiences we have had. The illusion of invincible has crept in. Now the iillusion has burst.
Wednesday I took a day off of school to interview a prominent black activist in Denver for a grad school project I was working on. When I got to the interview I realized that the 10 pages of previous interviews I had conducted this weekend were gone! This was a 7 hour project, gone. No way of retrieving it. I tried to get the document back for 3 hours, then rode down to seminary and had two different computer techs try to retrieve the document. Gone. My whole day off was a waste of time.
Fast forward to today...heavy conversation on my heart, an unsettled spirit, far too little sleep, and a fifth period class that is always on the brink of mutiney. This day is too long. I still have two more classes, a 10 mile run after school, sprint down to the city where I am supposed to meet a fellow teacher and her grandson at the homeless coffee house and hang out with bums, sprint back to my house to talk to my writing coach.
This is where I finally lose it. My students were supposed to be quiet for 60 minutes while they took a benchmark test. I started the "Three Strikes You're Out" countdown, and had to write two referrals. I get through the class, and grab my water bottle. Its gone. I become positive my fifth period stole my water bottle. I take an hour long treck through a loop of retracing my steps. First to my first period class, then down the hall to the computer lab, then back to my fifth period class, then to my cart, then back to my first period class. I become convinced that someone in my 5th period class stole my brand new stainless-steel waterbottle that cost 25 bucks, plus I already sent the water bottle back to the company because it broke, so I had some energy invested in it!!
I marched down to the Assistent Principal in a rage and told him that my 5th period class stole my water bottle. "I hate them!!" I raged! The security officer, Mr. Kipp got a list of my class and started hunting down students one-by-one to find the culprit. I tried to be productive. I made copies, kept busy with chores, attempted to get something done. I got called from the main office...someone found my water bottle in the women's faculty bathroom! Of course I left it there! After I had raged all around the school about how much I hate kids, accused my fifth period of theivery, wasted my whole prep period retracing my steps, and found the blackest pit of rage in my soul and sat there for a while, I realized my mistake. I had to go back and admit to the Vice Principal that I was a horrible beast today. I wrote the teacher I was going to take to the homeless coffeehouse and told her that I couldn't go. I called Sara, who is running the shift at the homeless coffeehouse that my teacher friend would be there, but that I couldn't handle it. Luckily my running partner canceled the run. I bribed my 9th period class and told them if they were quiet for their 60 minute test we could go outside for the last 30 min. Then I am going to get out of here as fast as I can, and go to bed until my writing appointment. I am going to sleep all night, go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and go on a run. I am going to stop self medicating with coffee every morning. I am going to get some pattern to my life.
God help me.
I have been absorbing massive amounts of new information, trying to save the world, experiencing a completely different mode of existence, and my brain can't take any more. Having Boyfriend in my life has been great--but we don't have a lot of spare time and sleep is the area in my life that has been sacrificed. I have been energized by the crush, his attention, new experiences we have had. The illusion of invincible has crept in. Now the iillusion has burst.
Wednesday I took a day off of school to interview a prominent black activist in Denver for a grad school project I was working on. When I got to the interview I realized that the 10 pages of previous interviews I had conducted this weekend were gone! This was a 7 hour project, gone. No way of retrieving it. I tried to get the document back for 3 hours, then rode down to seminary and had two different computer techs try to retrieve the document. Gone. My whole day off was a waste of time.
Fast forward to today...heavy conversation on my heart, an unsettled spirit, far too little sleep, and a fifth period class that is always on the brink of mutiney. This day is too long. I still have two more classes, a 10 mile run after school, sprint down to the city where I am supposed to meet a fellow teacher and her grandson at the homeless coffee house and hang out with bums, sprint back to my house to talk to my writing coach.
This is where I finally lose it. My students were supposed to be quiet for 60 minutes while they took a benchmark test. I started the "Three Strikes You're Out" countdown, and had to write two referrals. I get through the class, and grab my water bottle. Its gone. I become positive my fifth period stole my water bottle. I take an hour long treck through a loop of retracing my steps. First to my first period class, then down the hall to the computer lab, then back to my fifth period class, then to my cart, then back to my first period class. I become convinced that someone in my 5th period class stole my brand new stainless-steel waterbottle that cost 25 bucks, plus I already sent the water bottle back to the company because it broke, so I had some energy invested in it!!
I marched down to the Assistent Principal in a rage and told him that my 5th period class stole my water bottle. "I hate them!!" I raged! The security officer, Mr. Kipp got a list of my class and started hunting down students one-by-one to find the culprit. I tried to be productive. I made copies, kept busy with chores, attempted to get something done. I got called from the main office...someone found my water bottle in the women's faculty bathroom! Of course I left it there! After I had raged all around the school about how much I hate kids, accused my fifth period of theivery, wasted my whole prep period retracing my steps, and found the blackest pit of rage in my soul and sat there for a while, I realized my mistake. I had to go back and admit to the Vice Principal that I was a horrible beast today. I wrote the teacher I was going to take to the homeless coffeehouse and told her that I couldn't go. I called Sara, who is running the shift at the homeless coffeehouse that my teacher friend would be there, but that I couldn't handle it. Luckily my running partner canceled the run. I bribed my 9th period class and told them if they were quiet for their 60 minute test we could go outside for the last 30 min. Then I am going to get out of here as fast as I can, and go to bed until my writing appointment. I am going to sleep all night, go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and go on a run. I am going to stop self medicating with coffee every morning. I am going to get some pattern to my life.
God help me.
Addictions...
I kind of liked "Choke" even though it was wierd. 12-step meetings are so goofy! We actually stand up and hold hands at the end and say "Keep coming back, it works if you work it and your worth it!" The movie reminded me that no matter how base/over-top our addictions are, they have common elements. They are always about a disconnect to love. Our addicitons are a blocker, a false god that promises something it can't deliver...something to numb the pain. The only way we get what we really want (love) is by letting go of the addiction. You get the love that you let in.
Here is a prayer from the "Big Book" (thats the Alcohalics Anonymous book that all 12 step groups use.)
"God I offer myself to thee--to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Since I missed the saturday meeting I really like, I went to another meeting I didn't really like last night. But there was this one girl (who missed her regular meeting too, and was stuck--like me--with all these old senile people.) She was talking about how she realized one of her core addictions was elevating herself above everyone else. For her that has two parts--harshly judging others, and "selling" herself. I think one of my core addictions is to self-pity, and needing to be special.
For instance, dude in the movie was addicted to being rescued, and that feeling of numb he got after climaxing.
And I want to eat candy most when I am feeling "very special"--the exception to every rule--or really sorry for myself.
Here is a prayer from the "Big Book" (thats the Alcohalics Anonymous book that all 12 step groups use.)
"God I offer myself to thee--to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Since I missed the saturday meeting I really like, I went to another meeting I didn't really like last night. But there was this one girl (who missed her regular meeting too, and was stuck--like me--with all these old senile people.) She was talking about how she realized one of her core addictions was elevating herself above everyone else. For her that has two parts--harshly judging others, and "selling" herself. I think one of my core addictions is to self-pity, and needing to be special.
For instance, dude in the movie was addicted to being rescued, and that feeling of numb he got after climaxing.
And I want to eat candy most when I am feeling "very special"--the exception to every rule--or really sorry for myself.
Staying up too late and Spending too much at Grocery Stores
I have switched from overeating to overliving
I interviewed two educators about their experiences teaching African American students.
"What values/needs do African American students have that differ from other races?"
"What effectively motivates students within an African American culture?"
"How can white teachers honor the culture in the classroom without seeming like posers?"
Then I rushed home, took a shower, put on this amazing lace dress, blue footless tights, my movie star creme Born Eskimo boots, a tribal necklace I got at Cost Plus World Market, gigantic gaudy brown hoop earrings and my fabulous mint rain jacket I inherited from my nun friend before she joined the convent.
I hitched a ride into the city because it was pouring down slush, and a winter storm warning was in effect.
Boyfriend picked me up and I went back to his place, but first I stopped by Vitamine Cottage and spent too much on exotic foods to make at his house (The tin of Irish Oatmeal I bought for $8, while exhorbitant, was necessary.) We made a big chicken salad (I bought a whole, organic, raw chicken that we had to cook in the oven first)
Then, we watched a movie called Choke,
I worked on my "Teaching African American Students" project.
Next, I woke up early and did my new little routine (A few pages in the Big Book, then this other book called Just for Today, then reading Luke 19 for the sermon I will be giving on May 10.)
Then, church. I loved it this past Sunday. First, Faith led worship. She is my favorite worship leader, because she thinks of fresh ways to worship God. This week she did something on the five senses. We smelled the oils she used to massage Ken's feet before he died, and the oil that her friend uses to calm patients. We touched eachother as we "passed the peace". We saw the candles. We heard new music. We tasted the "common elements". (Faith didn't use unleavened bread and wine, which were much more common in Jesus' day then they are now--she had milk and chocolate chip cookies.) John preached about Luke 16--thats the part where the Bible talks about the account manager who is about to get fired, and goes around canceling the debts of his bosses debters before he gets the boot. The Boss commends him for his cleverness. Then the parable about Lazarus and the rich man. John talked about how we are all villians, and we are all using talents and resources on loan to us. The best thing we can do with our selfishness is be selfish about investing in God's kingdom. We need to use our resources to develop friendships. Friends are expensive! (Boyfriends too, yikes!!) Especially our friendship with God/Jesus...its takes sacrifice. But that is the best way to spend our money/time/talents...because its the only investment that has kingdom value.
Then John went to lunch with me and Boyfriend. "Jaimie, what do you like about Boyfriend?" That threw me off for a second. "Well, he is nice and funny--he is smart, but we have a hold on a completely different body of knowledge." "Where do you think he is on the Myers-Briggs?" "ESFP..." "Enneagram" "Yikes...7, 6? I don't know." "Boyfriend, what do you like about Jaimie?" "I like that she is good with directions...I get turned around a lot." (Really? Thats the first thing that came to mind?) "Back to you Jaimie, what do you like about Boyfriend?" "No way, it is still his turn!!" "Well, I like that we can be physical without being drunk. I like that she is pretty and still a virgin. I like that she says she hates being bossy, but still wants people to do what she tells them to do. I like that she is adventurous." "Ok, Jaimie?" "Well, I like that he is spastically honest--I knew all of his faults on the first date! I like that I can have hard conversations with him. I like that he is not threatened by me. I like that he is creative, and it brings out my desire to create." "Ok, both of you guys, what is the top thing you like about Jesus right now?" "Well, there is this huge chasm between God and humans, right? Its human nature to try and bridge the gap by trying to become like God. Reaching enlightment, discovering the secret to eternal youth, figuring everything out--we build our Tower of Babel. But we can't reach God. Our towers crumble. Then God bridges the gap...he comes to us! He becomes man! He suffers, he dies. He defeats death! That's a good story." "Boyfriend, what about you?" "I like how Jesus is unpredictible. I went to a funeral on Friday. The only church I have ever been to is Faith Bible Chapel. Its on the opposite end of the spectrum as yours...its conservative, huge, predictable. But my pastor talked about the rich man and Lazarus on Friday, just like you did today! And you said some of the same things! It reminds me of how everything's. Its crazy."
I went to the library and checked out everything they had on educating black students, then rode my bike to Wash park to the fitness center, dropped off my bag behind the counter (the counter man acted like he was doing something really exceptional for me; "You know we usually don't do this for people. We can't be held responsible for standing next to your stuff for the next 1 hour. but I will help you out this once. I could never ask my employees to do the same thing, you understand."--thanks buddy.
I went on a run...I wanted to get in 10 miles, but only got in 5. I started late, saw someone I knew, didn't back plan very effectively, took too long in the library, Sara called while I was running, etc.) Then I rode to an overeaters anonymous meeting at an Adventist hospital at 4. When I first walked in, I didn't want to stay! I was deleriously tired, the people there were old and senile, and it smelt like a hospital. It got a little better half-way through--something about the raw honesty of a meeting. We talked about what we were resentful about, and what we do with our resentment. One lady talked about her willingness to leave the planet--not suicidal thoughts--just lack of attachment to life. This idea resonated with me...its a common space I occupy. One other lady, a guest like me who missed her own Saturday meeting (and felt similarly uncomfortable with the hospitally feel) talked about how she had been in the program six years and had just recently identified her primary addiction to needing to be better than others. She said it had two parts--being overly judgemental of others, and justifying and elevating her own actions. This idea of the deeper, underlying addiction really speaks to me. I have struggled with identifying myself as a food addict, when there are others who are much more out of control. But when my addiction was framed in terms of some variation of "addiction to self," I was finally able to make the connection. When it was my turn, I shared that my version of "addiction to self" was my need to be special, to have special treatment, to self-pity, to be above the rules. Afterwards, I exchanged numbers with the other meeting visitor, and road home to talk to SL and Melissa who bought her wedding dress and a bridesmaid dress for me.
Then school, interviewing more educators for my "African American Student project" racing home, cooking dinner, throwing a dress in my messenger bag, and sprinting downtown for my first of eleven salsa dancing lessons.
Sara is going to be going to the lessons as well--my roomate is in the advanced class right afterwards. I made the committment to the class on a whim, but I am going to love it! Its a fabulous way to "learn sexy" in a safe, classy way. I would have stayed and practiced with the expert class, but I made a phone appointment with a teacher training expert in NYC who specializes in putting together inservices for new teachers on effectively teaching at risk students. I hoped to catch some of the class, so I made my call in my roommate's car and typed up responses on her computer. When her computer died, I inched toward the ballroom, and accidently talked really loud right ouside the door--the whole class could hear me and Rachel had to come out and tell me to shush--how embarrassing! Then I stayed up much too late, and went to school the next day.
The beginning was teacher inservice--I wish I had been brave enough to skip it! Classes were short. I took all of my classes outside--it was the nicest day so far this year--and pretened not to notice that most students got no work done! Then tutoring afterschool. I multi-tasked as much as possible, and kicked out the kids that were being high maintenance.
I rushed home, took a shower, made myself cute, then boyfriend picked me up and we went to this boring happy hour with a movie producer that Boyfriend worked with on a short film. He was super embarrassed that he ordered a Manhattan, when everyone else was drinking happy hour beer specials. I was really quiet--I didn't care about interacting with anyone there. I am glad that Boyfriend is not as wierd as some actors. Then we went to Sunflower market and I spent too much getting delicious ingredients for "Three Alarm Tuna Stir-Fry". It was a truely magical dish, despite the fact that I burned the mushrooms, and over-cooked the Tuna.
I stayed up too late.
I got up at 4:50 this morning and met Hal for breakfast at Petes Greek Cafe. I had this strangely delicious 1,200 calorie breakfast Gyro with hashbrowns, while Hal talked about the work he is doing with his PTSD. See, it wasn't just his time in Vietnam that he needed to work through. After Vietnam, his best war pal ended up in Mexican prison for dealing herion. It was the same prison that this famous used-car dealer dealer who ran hot cars to mexico and spent 30 years in prison at. Hal needed to get his buddy out. Mexican prison in the 60's was a racket--a system where the Mexican government tried to milk as much money from the prisoners as possible before they would let them go. Hal's friend had already paid 12,000, but needed 37,000 more. Hal commited himself to getting his buddy out of jail. He rented a farm in CA, and flew to DC to try to borrow money. That didn't work, so he went to CA and became a hash and pot dealer, working with the Hell's Angels. In 6 months, Hal earned the money to get his buddy out. Hal's buddy and girl moved to Hal's farm. Hal stopped dealing, and went to college where he was getting straight A's. His buddy continued to deal drugs. A bust on Hal's house revealed 6 lbs of pot and that landed Hal in jail. It was supposed to be 90 days at this cush receptionist job, but Hal wrote a letter to his friend on the outside that said in it "it has been wierd working with the pigs". That landed him in the "Animal Farm" with all the skin heads, black supremists and mexican mafia. He spent 90 days numb with rage. Luckily he had the protection of the Hell's Angels (the Vice President and co-founder of the original chapter was in the slammer with Hal, and offered his protection.) Hal is spending the next seven weeks in an intensive inpatient PTSD program at the VA. I am sick from my greasy breakfast and sitting at the Tattered Cover.
In 25 minutes I have an interview with the "The Man" in town. Reverand Kelly is the oldest black activist in town. He reluctantly agreed to meet with me. "All these students are asking me to help me with their projects. How are you any different? What are you going to do with this information? I am a busy, important man, and I don't need to help college kids write research papers." "Look man, I am going somewhere. I am a mover and a shaker. I can't tell you where your investment's gonna go, but I am guarunteed return. Plus, I will buy you lunch!"
Then, Shellylynne for coffe, John for a walk at 2, sprint down to Seminary (I have to rewrite my philosophy of counseling paper--I hope I have the time!) I promised my sister that I would spend some time today re-writing her children's book about how a girl becomes a woman, but I am going to have to put that off. Too bad she couldn't possibly understand my frenetic pace. Living off my parent's dime affords her the luxury of working with her husband to meet the basic needs of their three kids, and milking goats. Class at 5-6:50, get home as fast as I can and....
SLEEP!
I interviewed two educators about their experiences teaching African American students.
"What values/needs do African American students have that differ from other races?"
"What effectively motivates students within an African American culture?"
"How can white teachers honor the culture in the classroom without seeming like posers?"
Then I rushed home, took a shower, put on this amazing lace dress, blue footless tights, my movie star creme Born Eskimo boots, a tribal necklace I got at Cost Plus World Market, gigantic gaudy brown hoop earrings and my fabulous mint rain jacket I inherited from my nun friend before she joined the convent.
I hitched a ride into the city because it was pouring down slush, and a winter storm warning was in effect.
Boyfriend picked me up and I went back to his place, but first I stopped by Vitamine Cottage and spent too much on exotic foods to make at his house (The tin of Irish Oatmeal I bought for $8, while exhorbitant, was necessary.) We made a big chicken salad (I bought a whole, organic, raw chicken that we had to cook in the oven first)
Then, we watched a movie called Choke,
I worked on my "Teaching African American Students" project.
Next, I woke up early and did my new little routine (A few pages in the Big Book, then this other book called Just for Today, then reading Luke 19 for the sermon I will be giving on May 10.)
Then, church. I loved it this past Sunday. First, Faith led worship. She is my favorite worship leader, because she thinks of fresh ways to worship God. This week she did something on the five senses. We smelled the oils she used to massage Ken's feet before he died, and the oil that her friend uses to calm patients. We touched eachother as we "passed the peace". We saw the candles. We heard new music. We tasted the "common elements". (Faith didn't use unleavened bread and wine, which were much more common in Jesus' day then they are now--she had milk and chocolate chip cookies.) John preached about Luke 16--thats the part where the Bible talks about the account manager who is about to get fired, and goes around canceling the debts of his bosses debters before he gets the boot. The Boss commends him for his cleverness. Then the parable about Lazarus and the rich man. John talked about how we are all villians, and we are all using talents and resources on loan to us. The best thing we can do with our selfishness is be selfish about investing in God's kingdom. We need to use our resources to develop friendships. Friends are expensive! (Boyfriends too, yikes!!) Especially our friendship with God/Jesus...its takes sacrifice. But that is the best way to spend our money/time/talents...because its the only investment that has kingdom value.
Then John went to lunch with me and Boyfriend. "Jaimie, what do you like about Boyfriend?" That threw me off for a second. "Well, he is nice and funny--he is smart, but we have a hold on a completely different body of knowledge." "Where do you think he is on the Myers-Briggs?" "ESFP..." "Enneagram" "Yikes...7, 6? I don't know." "Boyfriend, what do you like about Jaimie?" "I like that she is good with directions...I get turned around a lot." (Really? Thats the first thing that came to mind?) "Back to you Jaimie, what do you like about Boyfriend?" "No way, it is still his turn!!" "Well, I like that we can be physical without being drunk. I like that she is pretty and still a virgin. I like that she says she hates being bossy, but still wants people to do what she tells them to do. I like that she is adventurous." "Ok, Jaimie?" "Well, I like that he is spastically honest--I knew all of his faults on the first date! I like that I can have hard conversations with him. I like that he is not threatened by me. I like that he is creative, and it brings out my desire to create." "Ok, both of you guys, what is the top thing you like about Jesus right now?" "Well, there is this huge chasm between God and humans, right? Its human nature to try and bridge the gap by trying to become like God. Reaching enlightment, discovering the secret to eternal youth, figuring everything out--we build our Tower of Babel. But we can't reach God. Our towers crumble. Then God bridges the gap...he comes to us! He becomes man! He suffers, he dies. He defeats death! That's a good story." "Boyfriend, what about you?" "I like how Jesus is unpredictible. I went to a funeral on Friday. The only church I have ever been to is Faith Bible Chapel. Its on the opposite end of the spectrum as yours...its conservative, huge, predictable. But my pastor talked about the rich man and Lazarus on Friday, just like you did today! And you said some of the same things! It reminds me of how everything's. Its crazy."
I went to the library and checked out everything they had on educating black students, then rode my bike to Wash park to the fitness center, dropped off my bag behind the counter (the counter man acted like he was doing something really exceptional for me; "You know we usually don't do this for people. We can't be held responsible for standing next to your stuff for the next 1 hour. but I will help you out this once. I could never ask my employees to do the same thing, you understand."--thanks buddy.
I went on a run...I wanted to get in 10 miles, but only got in 5. I started late, saw someone I knew, didn't back plan very effectively, took too long in the library, Sara called while I was running, etc.) Then I rode to an overeaters anonymous meeting at an Adventist hospital at 4. When I first walked in, I didn't want to stay! I was deleriously tired, the people there were old and senile, and it smelt like a hospital. It got a little better half-way through--something about the raw honesty of a meeting. We talked about what we were resentful about, and what we do with our resentment. One lady talked about her willingness to leave the planet--not suicidal thoughts--just lack of attachment to life. This idea resonated with me...its a common space I occupy. One other lady, a guest like me who missed her own Saturday meeting (and felt similarly uncomfortable with the hospitally feel) talked about how she had been in the program six years and had just recently identified her primary addiction to needing to be better than others. She said it had two parts--being overly judgemental of others, and justifying and elevating her own actions. This idea of the deeper, underlying addiction really speaks to me. I have struggled with identifying myself as a food addict, when there are others who are much more out of control. But when my addiction was framed in terms of some variation of "addiction to self," I was finally able to make the connection. When it was my turn, I shared that my version of "addiction to self" was my need to be special, to have special treatment, to self-pity, to be above the rules. Afterwards, I exchanged numbers with the other meeting visitor, and road home to talk to SL and Melissa who bought her wedding dress and a bridesmaid dress for me.
Then school, interviewing more educators for my "African American Student project" racing home, cooking dinner, throwing a dress in my messenger bag, and sprinting downtown for my first of eleven salsa dancing lessons.
Sara is going to be going to the lessons as well--my roomate is in the advanced class right afterwards. I made the committment to the class on a whim, but I am going to love it! Its a fabulous way to "learn sexy" in a safe, classy way. I would have stayed and practiced with the expert class, but I made a phone appointment with a teacher training expert in NYC who specializes in putting together inservices for new teachers on effectively teaching at risk students. I hoped to catch some of the class, so I made my call in my roommate's car and typed up responses on her computer. When her computer died, I inched toward the ballroom, and accidently talked really loud right ouside the door--the whole class could hear me and Rachel had to come out and tell me to shush--how embarrassing! Then I stayed up much too late, and went to school the next day.
The beginning was teacher inservice--I wish I had been brave enough to skip it! Classes were short. I took all of my classes outside--it was the nicest day so far this year--and pretened not to notice that most students got no work done! Then tutoring afterschool. I multi-tasked as much as possible, and kicked out the kids that were being high maintenance.
I rushed home, took a shower, made myself cute, then boyfriend picked me up and we went to this boring happy hour with a movie producer that Boyfriend worked with on a short film. He was super embarrassed that he ordered a Manhattan, when everyone else was drinking happy hour beer specials. I was really quiet--I didn't care about interacting with anyone there. I am glad that Boyfriend is not as wierd as some actors. Then we went to Sunflower market and I spent too much getting delicious ingredients for "Three Alarm Tuna Stir-Fry". It was a truely magical dish, despite the fact that I burned the mushrooms, and over-cooked the Tuna.
I stayed up too late.
I got up at 4:50 this morning and met Hal for breakfast at Petes Greek Cafe. I had this strangely delicious 1,200 calorie breakfast Gyro with hashbrowns, while Hal talked about the work he is doing with his PTSD. See, it wasn't just his time in Vietnam that he needed to work through. After Vietnam, his best war pal ended up in Mexican prison for dealing herion. It was the same prison that this famous used-car dealer dealer who ran hot cars to mexico and spent 30 years in prison at. Hal needed to get his buddy out. Mexican prison in the 60's was a racket--a system where the Mexican government tried to milk as much money from the prisoners as possible before they would let them go. Hal's friend had already paid 12,000, but needed 37,000 more. Hal commited himself to getting his buddy out of jail. He rented a farm in CA, and flew to DC to try to borrow money. That didn't work, so he went to CA and became a hash and pot dealer, working with the Hell's Angels. In 6 months, Hal earned the money to get his buddy out. Hal's buddy and girl moved to Hal's farm. Hal stopped dealing, and went to college where he was getting straight A's. His buddy continued to deal drugs. A bust on Hal's house revealed 6 lbs of pot and that landed Hal in jail. It was supposed to be 90 days at this cush receptionist job, but Hal wrote a letter to his friend on the outside that said in it "it has been wierd working with the pigs". That landed him in the "Animal Farm" with all the skin heads, black supremists and mexican mafia. He spent 90 days numb with rage. Luckily he had the protection of the Hell's Angels (the Vice President and co-founder of the original chapter was in the slammer with Hal, and offered his protection.) Hal is spending the next seven weeks in an intensive inpatient PTSD program at the VA. I am sick from my greasy breakfast and sitting at the Tattered Cover.
In 25 minutes I have an interview with the "The Man" in town. Reverand Kelly is the oldest black activist in town. He reluctantly agreed to meet with me. "All these students are asking me to help me with their projects. How are you any different? What are you going to do with this information? I am a busy, important man, and I don't need to help college kids write research papers." "Look man, I am going somewhere. I am a mover and a shaker. I can't tell you where your investment's gonna go, but I am guarunteed return. Plus, I will buy you lunch!"
Then, Shellylynne for coffe, John for a walk at 2, sprint down to Seminary (I have to rewrite my philosophy of counseling paper--I hope I have the time!) I promised my sister that I would spend some time today re-writing her children's book about how a girl becomes a woman, but I am going to have to put that off. Too bad she couldn't possibly understand my frenetic pace. Living off my parent's dime affords her the luxury of working with her husband to meet the basic needs of their three kids, and milking goats. Class at 5-6:50, get home as fast as I can and....
SLEEP!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I hate Teaching!
Stop throwing stuff at each other
Guys I need you seated!
Why do I care more than you?
Stop talking while I am talking
My turn
Eyes up here, mouths closed
I need you seated in 5,4,3,2,1
"Miss, do you have a pencil?"
"But he hit me first"
"Miss do you have paper?"
"But I wasn't talking I was just asking him a question"
"You never gave that sheet to me."
"Can I go to the bathroom? Drink? Roam the halls?"
Hold up your worksheet let me know you are listening
I need you turned around, facing me.
I need you seated.
Stop burning each other with your pen tips
I need you to stop rubbing eracer burns into your arms
I need you to stay off the ground
"But I don't get it."
"I don't know this--this is too hard."
"This is boring"
"You never taught us this."
"I hate this class"
"Miss you are mean."
You are not the victim here.
If I can't get your attention you will
recieve lunch detention/call parents/pick up trash/
recieve a referral/get sent to the hall/move seats/
write a reflection sheet/get glared at/get yelled at/
listen to the ravings of a madwoman.
"Miss are you pregnant or just fat?"
"Gross, you have a huge zit on your face!"
"Why don't you do your hair."
"Miss your shoes are old lady shoes."
"You need to get a life!"
"What's wrong with your neck!"
Please don't interrupt me when I am teaching.
I need you to come in, get seated, and start your warm up.
I need you to bring a pencil and paper to class.
When I give you time to work, if you have questions ask.
I will be grading this!
I can't have you saying "penis" so much in class.
"I am sick"
"I can't work next to him"
"I am really upset today because this girl was spreading rumors about me."
"You give us too much work!"
"We never watch movies in here."
"Shut up!"
35 more days.
Guys I need you seated!
Why do I care more than you?
Stop talking while I am talking
My turn
Eyes up here, mouths closed
I need you seated in 5,4,3,2,1
"Miss, do you have a pencil?"
"But he hit me first"
"Miss do you have paper?"
"But I wasn't talking I was just asking him a question"
"You never gave that sheet to me."
"Can I go to the bathroom? Drink? Roam the halls?"
Hold up your worksheet let me know you are listening
I need you turned around, facing me.
I need you seated.
Stop burning each other with your pen tips
I need you to stop rubbing eracer burns into your arms
I need you to stay off the ground
"But I don't get it."
"I don't know this--this is too hard."
"This is boring"
"You never taught us this."
"I hate this class"
"Miss you are mean."
You are not the victim here.
If I can't get your attention you will
recieve lunch detention/call parents/pick up trash/
recieve a referral/get sent to the hall/move seats/
write a reflection sheet/get glared at/get yelled at/
listen to the ravings of a madwoman.
"Miss are you pregnant or just fat?"
"Gross, you have a huge zit on your face!"
"Why don't you do your hair."
"Miss your shoes are old lady shoes."
"You need to get a life!"
"What's wrong with your neck!"
Please don't interrupt me when I am teaching.
I need you to come in, get seated, and start your warm up.
I need you to bring a pencil and paper to class.
When I give you time to work, if you have questions ask.
I will be grading this!
I can't have you saying "penis" so much in class.
"I am sick"
"I can't work next to him"
"I am really upset today because this girl was spreading rumors about me."
"You give us too much work!"
"We never watch movies in here."
"Shut up!"
35 more days.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Letter to SMS
Dear Sister Maris Stella,
I think about you often, but haven't gotten myself to write. Lazy? Busy? Intimidated? Confused? Sorting? Manic? Unsettled? Probably. But, life looks different right now than it ever has. First, I have a little relief from my food addiction. I have to take it day at a time--even though I sense God's grace, I know every day I have a decision to trust God or something else. I can easily go back to food. New addictions have surfaced (taken the place?). I have had some alcohal issues, and have decided I need to quit drinking. Also, I am trying to manage my sexuality in ways I have not had to in the past. Partly because I used candy to avoid dealing with my sexuality. Partly because I have a boyfriend, which brings me to another thing that has changed in my life. Finally, I decided to go back to school and finish my counseling degree, with an emphasis on school counseling. In the mean time, instead of getting a job, I have decided to pursue my writing (and try to get a few things published) and art (maybe put together a show.)
So first, food. I went to an alcohalics anonymous retreat in February. It reminded me of the power of confessing to and leaning on others. I finally understood the the value of religion in my life. I met a girl at the retreat who took me to a Food Addicts Anonymous meeting. I thought this might work a lot better than Overeaters Anonymous. It was scary!! Super regimented! The group told you exactly what to eat, when to eat, what to think, how to spend over 20 hours a week of your life in various program obligations, and demanded strict obedience. I guess you could say they are the "Regnum Christie" of food addictions groups. I cried because I was upset it wouldn't work for me, and that I almost joined a soul-crushing group (not to everyone, but to me.) I decided to call Robin, who goes to my church. I knew she was in Overeater's Anonymous, because at the retreat this year, she saw me reading some literature, and stepped in to ask me some questions. I shared with her that I was a food addict, and we talked. I hadn't follwed up with her, but after my Food Addict's Anonymous experience, I was desperate to have her advice!
I started using an online food diary where I can track my calories. I have a set amount I am trying to eat every day, with a balance of carbs, protien and fat. It has been great, because it is like a budget, and it helps me face my food honestly. I like this. I call Robin every morning and check in. I talk about problems or questions I have from the day before, as well as tell her my food choices for the day. She is very supportive. I noticed I started unraveling last week. She said, "Don't consider it a failure, just know that you have to add one of the other tools of the program to help you." Here are the tools of the program: Plan of eating (I am doing good on this) Sponser (yes) Meeting (I went to my first one this week) Telephone (I want to start using this--calling one struggling friend or OA person a night) Writing (when I write I feel better...but I am not writing much...I need to make time) Literature (again, reading the big book) Anonymity (I don't get this) Service (I serve kids all day long--but I get paid to do it. I need to give time that I am not getting paid to give. I don't know what this looks like now). I feel really good about the meeting I went to yesterday! I loved the format. We met in a 100 year old church. Each person took turns reading a page of the Big Book (the main Alcoholic's Anonymous book) and discussing how it applied to their lives for about 3 minutes. We went around the circle like that, each person taking turns, first reading a page, then sharing. Aside from the honesty of the group, the thing that was so neat about the format was that no one was allowed to "cross-talk"--or comment on other people. No advice, sympathy, empathy. Just active listening. After the meeting, there was time for those things. It struck me how rare it is for people to share without others doing a lot of talking, advicing, know-it-alling afterwards. I look forward to going next week.
Next, I have entered some special relationships. First, Sara is the special education teacher that I work with. I have come to really care about her. About 1.5 months ago, Sara and I started spending a lot of time together. She was in a difficult (emotionally abusive?) four-year relationship, and started grilling me about God and Jesus. I have never had someone ask the kind of pointed, straight-out-of-the-Gospels-and-Romans questions that she has. "So we are all sinners?" "Only Christians go to heaven?" "If we get forgiven for everything, wont that cause us to sin even more?" "Why do they call it "Good Friday" if Jesus died then?" "What's palm Sunday?" "Was Jesus Jewish?" "Were there Catholics in Jesus' day?" "What are the little numbers between sentances in the Bible?" "What exactly do I have to do to accept Jesus?" "Do you think I should pursue chastity?"
Then, Sara set me up with her friend. This guy was the only other Christian that she knew. "You guys are both virgins, it will be perfect!" didn't exactly convince me. He is an actor, and we went to his play, which was called, "Ten Pin Alley." It was a story about these 10 bowling pins whose whole existence centers around the paranoia of when they will get knocked down next. There were all these different personalities. There was a Army General Pin, a Dominatrix pin, a red-neck pin. The red neck kept on using all these racial slurs about "blackie" which in this case was the black bowling ball. He was a flamboyant homosexual pin. He was wearing this tight pink t-shirt tied up to his chest, these really short jean shorts, with glitter all over his belly, rainbow socks, and combat boots. He was really funny, but, again, I didn't really know what to expect. We went out afterwards to mexican, and then played scrabble at Sara's.
We have been hanging out for about five weeks now. We are both really busy, so we only end up spending time together about one or two nights a week. What do I like about him? Well he is very kind, and funny. He went to a fundamentalist Christian school his whole life, and still strives to follow Jesus which is saying something. He is passionate about acting, and I like that. We can have tough conversations. He is emotionally brave--he talks about his fears, flaws, hard stuff. I can tell him if something is bothering me. He is honest. I know his flaws. He cares about changing. There are things that I don't like, for sure, but I am holding them loosely, since finding faults comes so easy to me I know I won't forget them.
This weekend, he bought me some really pretty earrings, and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. That was cute. This week we are going to a play on Thursday. I am hoping he can come to church Sunday and then we can have lunch with John. He hasn't met John yet, and that is an important meeting for me.
I can't wait until I am done teaching this year!! I am unhappy teaching. Part of the reason I am unhappy is because it is a ton of work, and I am not passionate about the work. I don't care about math. I do want the kids to learn, but I don't really feel like devoting my life to teaching kids math. I don't feel like fighting them every day!! Its just not what I am passionate about. I do love helping kids do grief work, talking through existential despair, God, questions about growing up, etc. Its a wierd time to quit a good job and try living off student loans, but what the heck, I'm going to to do it! Hanging out with Boyfriend has been good because he gives everything he has to acting, but he still has to have a job at Lowes to pay his bills. He has all these artist friends who are dedicated to their craft. One friend is a photographer. We went to his art opening--I didn't think it was very good! I kept on thinking, "I could do this!" "I should do this!!"
I plan on trying to make some extra money with art and writing. I am scared, but if I don't try now, I will never do it! This summer I am going to put together a portfolio of some of the work I have done, and make some new pieces. There are so many little galleries that I could try and get my work into, I am going to focus on putting enough together to make a show. Then writing--I will keep working with the really good writing coach who has helped me in the past, and I will try and become more consistent about getting something on paper every day.
Jodi is doing pretty good. She is sill off-and-on crazy, but we are maintaining relationship with her. The bills are getting high enough to where my parents have to do something different. You can pray for that...finances of funding my sister. She wrote a children's book and sent it to me called "Go With the Flow". I was very scared to read it, because its about a woman's menstral cycle. But it wasn't scary. she set it in an african village, and talked plainly about the process of growing into a woman--not gross or vulgar. Its a reminder that my sister is very bright and talented...underneath all the crazy.
I can't remember how long its been. I miss you. I will come see you this summer, can you let me know when I could see you in July? I would love to give my friend a hug. I will be in NYC in July if you can make time for me!
I think about you often, but haven't gotten myself to write. Lazy? Busy? Intimidated? Confused? Sorting? Manic? Unsettled? Probably. But, life looks different right now than it ever has. First, I have a little relief from my food addiction. I have to take it day at a time--even though I sense God's grace, I know every day I have a decision to trust God or something else. I can easily go back to food. New addictions have surfaced (taken the place?). I have had some alcohal issues, and have decided I need to quit drinking. Also, I am trying to manage my sexuality in ways I have not had to in the past. Partly because I used candy to avoid dealing with my sexuality. Partly because I have a boyfriend, which brings me to another thing that has changed in my life. Finally, I decided to go back to school and finish my counseling degree, with an emphasis on school counseling. In the mean time, instead of getting a job, I have decided to pursue my writing (and try to get a few things published) and art (maybe put together a show.)
So first, food. I went to an alcohalics anonymous retreat in February. It reminded me of the power of confessing to and leaning on others. I finally understood the the value of religion in my life. I met a girl at the retreat who took me to a Food Addicts Anonymous meeting. I thought this might work a lot better than Overeaters Anonymous. It was scary!! Super regimented! The group told you exactly what to eat, when to eat, what to think, how to spend over 20 hours a week of your life in various program obligations, and demanded strict obedience. I guess you could say they are the "Regnum Christie" of food addictions groups. I cried because I was upset it wouldn't work for me, and that I almost joined a soul-crushing group (not to everyone, but to me.) I decided to call Robin, who goes to my church. I knew she was in Overeater's Anonymous, because at the retreat this year, she saw me reading some literature, and stepped in to ask me some questions. I shared with her that I was a food addict, and we talked. I hadn't follwed up with her, but after my Food Addict's Anonymous experience, I was desperate to have her advice!
I started using an online food diary where I can track my calories. I have a set amount I am trying to eat every day, with a balance of carbs, protien and fat. It has been great, because it is like a budget, and it helps me face my food honestly. I like this. I call Robin every morning and check in. I talk about problems or questions I have from the day before, as well as tell her my food choices for the day. She is very supportive. I noticed I started unraveling last week. She said, "Don't consider it a failure, just know that you have to add one of the other tools of the program to help you." Here are the tools of the program: Plan of eating (I am doing good on this) Sponser (yes) Meeting (I went to my first one this week) Telephone (I want to start using this--calling one struggling friend or OA person a night) Writing (when I write I feel better...but I am not writing much...I need to make time) Literature (again, reading the big book) Anonymity (I don't get this) Service (I serve kids all day long--but I get paid to do it. I need to give time that I am not getting paid to give. I don't know what this looks like now). I feel really good about the meeting I went to yesterday! I loved the format. We met in a 100 year old church. Each person took turns reading a page of the Big Book (the main Alcoholic's Anonymous book) and discussing how it applied to their lives for about 3 minutes. We went around the circle like that, each person taking turns, first reading a page, then sharing. Aside from the honesty of the group, the thing that was so neat about the format was that no one was allowed to "cross-talk"--or comment on other people. No advice, sympathy, empathy. Just active listening. After the meeting, there was time for those things. It struck me how rare it is for people to share without others doing a lot of talking, advicing, know-it-alling afterwards. I look forward to going next week.
Next, I have entered some special relationships. First, Sara is the special education teacher that I work with. I have come to really care about her. About 1.5 months ago, Sara and I started spending a lot of time together. She was in a difficult (emotionally abusive?) four-year relationship, and started grilling me about God and Jesus. I have never had someone ask the kind of pointed, straight-out-of-the-Gospels-and-Romans questions that she has. "So we are all sinners?" "Only Christians go to heaven?" "If we get forgiven for everything, wont that cause us to sin even more?" "Why do they call it "Good Friday" if Jesus died then?" "What's palm Sunday?" "Was Jesus Jewish?" "Were there Catholics in Jesus' day?" "What are the little numbers between sentances in the Bible?" "What exactly do I have to do to accept Jesus?" "Do you think I should pursue chastity?"
Then, Sara set me up with her friend. This guy was the only other Christian that she knew. "You guys are both virgins, it will be perfect!" didn't exactly convince me. He is an actor, and we went to his play, which was called, "Ten Pin Alley." It was a story about these 10 bowling pins whose whole existence centers around the paranoia of when they will get knocked down next. There were all these different personalities. There was a Army General Pin, a Dominatrix pin, a red-neck pin. The red neck kept on using all these racial slurs about "blackie" which in this case was the black bowling ball. He was a flamboyant homosexual pin. He was wearing this tight pink t-shirt tied up to his chest, these really short jean shorts, with glitter all over his belly, rainbow socks, and combat boots. He was really funny, but, again, I didn't really know what to expect. We went out afterwards to mexican, and then played scrabble at Sara's.
We have been hanging out for about five weeks now. We are both really busy, so we only end up spending time together about one or two nights a week. What do I like about him? Well he is very kind, and funny. He went to a fundamentalist Christian school his whole life, and still strives to follow Jesus which is saying something. He is passionate about acting, and I like that. We can have tough conversations. He is emotionally brave--he talks about his fears, flaws, hard stuff. I can tell him if something is bothering me. He is honest. I know his flaws. He cares about changing. There are things that I don't like, for sure, but I am holding them loosely, since finding faults comes so easy to me I know I won't forget them.
This weekend, he bought me some really pretty earrings, and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. That was cute. This week we are going to a play on Thursday. I am hoping he can come to church Sunday and then we can have lunch with John. He hasn't met John yet, and that is an important meeting for me.
I can't wait until I am done teaching this year!! I am unhappy teaching. Part of the reason I am unhappy is because it is a ton of work, and I am not passionate about the work. I don't care about math. I do want the kids to learn, but I don't really feel like devoting my life to teaching kids math. I don't feel like fighting them every day!! Its just not what I am passionate about. I do love helping kids do grief work, talking through existential despair, God, questions about growing up, etc. Its a wierd time to quit a good job and try living off student loans, but what the heck, I'm going to to do it! Hanging out with Boyfriend has been good because he gives everything he has to acting, but he still has to have a job at Lowes to pay his bills. He has all these artist friends who are dedicated to their craft. One friend is a photographer. We went to his art opening--I didn't think it was very good! I kept on thinking, "I could do this!" "I should do this!!"
I plan on trying to make some extra money with art and writing. I am scared, but if I don't try now, I will never do it! This summer I am going to put together a portfolio of some of the work I have done, and make some new pieces. There are so many little galleries that I could try and get my work into, I am going to focus on putting enough together to make a show. Then writing--I will keep working with the really good writing coach who has helped me in the past, and I will try and become more consistent about getting something on paper every day.
Jodi is doing pretty good. She is sill off-and-on crazy, but we are maintaining relationship with her. The bills are getting high enough to where my parents have to do something different. You can pray for that...finances of funding my sister. She wrote a children's book and sent it to me called "Go With the Flow". I was very scared to read it, because its about a woman's menstral cycle. But it wasn't scary. she set it in an african village, and talked plainly about the process of growing into a woman--not gross or vulgar. Its a reminder that my sister is very bright and talented...underneath all the crazy.
I can't remember how long its been. I miss you. I will come see you this summer, can you let me know when I could see you in July? I would love to give my friend a hug. I will be in NYC in July if you can make time for me!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
First Painful Conversation...(I chickened out and had it over email!!)
So this guy I have been dating has been a little cheep on dates. I was out with him and my friend, and he threw down a few bucks shy of what he owed. My friend exploded in characteristic drama, and he felt embarrased and called me to apologize for being cheep. It gave me the opportunity to clarify expectations. I didnt want to call him to tell him what I was thinking, and I didn't want to wait until it was too late!! So I wrote an email:
About money--I appreciate you calling me and saying sorry. I think in dating money gets confusing, because guys used to have to pay all the time, and girls usually don't make it clear one way or the other what the expectation is.
I want things to be equal because I want to be in an equal relationship. But I don't want to go dutch! Its too sterile. It reminds me of the following scenario: instead of two friends buying each other a present, each person just buys themselves a present! Its not very special to buy yourself a present. Its much more fun to give one, and get a cool one from your friend. But it takes trust--because maybe your friend will forget about you!
I think what we should do is take turns taking each other out. The conversation could go like this:
"Hey, I want to take you to dinner"
"thanks! That would be great."
Then we can switch.
Or we could do this conversation
"I want to pay for this"
"no you payed last time, its my turn"
"no"
"yes"
"no"
"Ok you can get it, but I want the next one!"
It seems trust building--you know that you can be generous, and you know that the other person won't take advantage of it, because they are generous too.
At the same time, we both don't make a lot of money, and I am supposed to be saving because I am about to be living off student loans for a couple years while I finish my master's degree. So I am all about cheap/free fun.
But if we do go out, lets do it generously :)
Jaim
About money--I appreciate you calling me and saying sorry. I think in dating money gets confusing, because guys used to have to pay all the time, and girls usually don't make it clear one way or the other what the expectation is.
I want things to be equal because I want to be in an equal relationship. But I don't want to go dutch! Its too sterile. It reminds me of the following scenario: instead of two friends buying each other a present, each person just buys themselves a present! Its not very special to buy yourself a present. Its much more fun to give one, and get a cool one from your friend. But it takes trust--because maybe your friend will forget about you!
I think what we should do is take turns taking each other out. The conversation could go like this:
"Hey, I want to take you to dinner"
"thanks! That would be great."
Then we can switch.
Or we could do this conversation
"I want to pay for this"
"no you payed last time, its my turn"
"no"
"yes"
"no"
"Ok you can get it, but I want the next one!"
It seems trust building--you know that you can be generous, and you know that the other person won't take advantage of it, because they are generous too.
At the same time, we both don't make a lot of money, and I am supposed to be saving because I am about to be living off student loans for a couple years while I finish my master's degree. So I am all about cheap/free fun.
But if we do go out, lets do it generously :)
Jaim
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