Addictions...

I kind of liked "Choke" even though it was wierd. 12-step meetings are so goofy! We actually stand up and hold hands at the end and say "Keep coming back, it works if you work it and your worth it!" The movie reminded me that no matter how base/over-top our addictions are, they have common elements. They are always about a disconnect to love. Our addicitons are a blocker, a false god that promises something it can't deliver...something to numb the pain. The only way we get what we really want (love) is by letting go of the addiction. You get the love that you let in.

Here is a prayer from the "Big Book" (thats the Alcohalics Anonymous book that all 12 step groups use.)

"God I offer myself to thee--to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Since I missed the saturday meeting I really like, I went to another meeting I didn't really like last night. But there was this one girl (who missed her regular meeting too, and was stuck--like me--with all these old senile people.) She was talking about how she realized one of her core addictions was elevating herself above everyone else. For her that has two parts--harshly judging others, and "selling" herself. I think one of my core addictions is to self-pity, and needing to be special.

For instance, dude in the movie was addicted to being rescued, and that feeling of numb he got after climaxing.

And I want to eat candy most when I am feeling "very special"--the exception to every rule--or really sorry for myself.