Oil

Here are some email conversations John Hicks and I had about a year ago.

J. When are you going to take responsibility around this stuff? It is mean behavior, to do things that make you feel bad about yourself. Do you really think you can find a man that will love you better than you do yourself? Do you think you will be able to love another more than you do yourself????

Jamie. Let Christ into this mean part of J. Let Him love you!!!! Do it today. Do it right now! It is what you want Jimmy to do! (do it yourself and show the way!!!)

Feels fierce! Mercy,mercy,mercy

prayers

hks

Hi John, When I read this I cried. I didn't feel mad, just sad. I don't know what you mean, there is resistance, I feel shame but no guilt, no culpability. I compulsively eat. I feel bad about it. The reasons I want to stop feel vain.

I don't know how to show the way. Only one part of me is a follower of Jesus. There is a huge chunk of me with unmet needs that cant/wont/doesn't know how to let Christ in. Christian Jaimie can fast from candy and not eat it throughout all of lent! Non-Christian Jaimie believes Janis Joplin (Dynamic Feminine) more than Jesus...."honey get it while you can." Christian Jaimie cares about Jimmy but knows that I can’t do the moving to bridge the gap between us... NonChristian Jaimie says, "Get it while you can!" Ironically nonchristian jaimie is also the one that drives most of the weight loss, diet, fasting, deprivation movements. So when I hear you say this I think...time to start another big push/fight/crusade to restrict my diet because thats what God and Jesus and John think you should do.

By the way, the lady who gives me lithium tested me and found that I am highly sensitive to sugar and milk and I shouldn't eat them. So I ate chocolate and cheese all day because it was the last chance I would ever have again...

j.

SoJ.
Let me start w saying that I don’t care a bit how “big” you get. I have friends in every size and shape.
But I do care about you hurting yourself. A LOT!!! (Interesting that the lithium lady says, careful about sugar,milk.) And I’m sure Christ feels the same way. We love people w active addictions. But we don’t
hesitate to call it death!


25:1-13 - "In those days the kingdom of Heaven will be like ten bridesmaids who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were sensible and five were foolish. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. But the sensible ones brought their lamps and oil in their flasks as well. Then, as the bridegroom was a very long time, they all grew drowsy and fell asleep. But in the middle of the night there came a shout, 'Wake up, here comes the bridegroom! Out you go to meet him!" Then up got the bridesmaids and attended to their lamps. The foolish ones said to the sensible ones, 'Please give us some of your oil - our lamps are going out!' 'Oh no,' returned the sensible ones, 'there might not be enough for all of us. Better go to the oil-shop and buy some for yourselves.' But while they had gone off to buy the oil the bridegroom arrived, and those bridesmaids who were ready went in with him for the festivities and the door was shut behind them. Later on the rest of the bridesmaids came and said, 'Oh, please, sir, open the door for us!' But he replied, 'I tell you I don't know you!' So be on the alert – for you do not know the day or the time.

I hear this parable pushing us to a state of constant vigilance. And the focus of that vigilance being a
holy “selfishness” that keeps us in oil. That oil is the modalities that keep us focused on Christ and His
constantly anticipated company….
I hear you say that you want me to spell it out. How do you do it. I can tell you how I put it together,
but it’s much more important that YOU put it together however works for you. And the vigilance is even more important.

It feels like that brides wanted to borrow from their neighbor. It seems the point that they have their
own…. IS HIS COMPANY THAT IMPORTANT?

Nuts and Bolts for John: I do a lot of surrender prayers. At the least feeling of lonely. At the least
fatigue. At the least temptation. With all those fears. With all those challenging dreams. I’m incessantly letting him into my heart. “See, Jesus, this is who I am.”

At the beginning of the day, I take some time (even as Pat said, 5minutes) to hear from God, (scriptures,
share my left-over dreams, Henry books) etc. Even if it feels like going through the motions. The emotions
follow the patterns of death/life.

At the end of the day, I lay in bed and give back to Christ all of the outstanding events, relationships of
that day.

I also like sitting in the sunshine, talking to Christ and enjoying the texture of all that. I like taking
walks/hikes and enjoying creation and the perspective that brings on who Christ is….

I like to pray for my brothers and sisters. It helps me feel closer to Christ because he inevitably cares
more about them then I do! And I enjoy their company.

I like loving the poor (even though it’s a pain in the ass and not tranquil at all most of the time) because
there’s some crazy way in which I find Christ behind all those eyes!

This is funny. But I like my stuff. As I surrender it’s ownership to Him, I feel he gifts it back. So
it’s like a constant cycle of love and affirmation. I include my $ in that.

Lynne helps me know about Christ. Forgiving helps me know about Christ. My tons of really good friends help me know how friendly Christ is…

And Corp Worship
And asking for prayers
And confessing my sins (fucked up stuff) to several priests that I know
And Knowing OLD friends that endure all manner of suffering and still bless Christ's name
And music that stirs my soul
And music that is little stories that remind me
And movies that are stories that remind me (of how life might be and how hard it is for some)(and
remind me of the narrative of my own life)
And moods that grind me back to my center in Christ
And giving gifts to GOD (myGREED medicine)
And the miracle of spring.
And the wildlife that comes to visit
And Last night I was begging for $ for NTWK in the burbs. Begging helped me feel Christ
And they were very kind (at least to my face) and that felt like Christ
And on the way home turning over the projections felt like experiencing Christ

AND. As I'm tired, remembeing Camping under God's stars....
And Talking to my MOM that is a prayer!
And,and,and,and, I like him and I want him seeing every aspect of my life because I know He loves me
more than I love me.

Oil for my lamp!!!!!
Oil accumulates in these things. It burns in my lamp or is stored in my gas-can for later.

It seems like active addiction is asking this sort of company from some other substance, person,
ororororor…. But Jesus is the only quantity that I’ve bumped into that is safe to bow a knee to…. All the
others that I’ve tried have caused me great pain!!!!! Stop bowing down to anything other than Christ Jamie.

It’s w the greatest humility that I say these things….It could be my turn to suffer tomorrow! I hope
tomorrow holds love! (does this “spell it out”enough?)

Under the Mercy
hks

Thanks for writing about all of this. I will try and digest it. I think there are a lot of things I don't take responsibility for with Christ...Like my attitude and my moods and lack of gratefulness...It just feels like so much work...

Jaimie