Meltdown.

I sensed the inevitable crash coming Wednesday morning. I didn't know how or where, but I was going to slip.

I have been absorbing massive amounts of new information, trying to save the world, experiencing a completely different mode of existence, and my brain can't take any more. Having Boyfriend in my life has been great--but we don't have a lot of spare time and sleep is the area in my life that has been sacrificed. I have been energized by the crush, his attention, new experiences we have had. The illusion of invincible has crept in. Now the iillusion has burst.

Wednesday I took a day off of school to interview a prominent black activist in Denver for a grad school project I was working on. When I got to the interview I realized that the 10 pages of previous interviews I had conducted this weekend were gone! This was a 7 hour project, gone. No way of retrieving it. I tried to get the document back for 3 hours, then rode down to seminary and had two different computer techs try to retrieve the document. Gone. My whole day off was a waste of time.

Fast forward to today...heavy conversation on my heart, an unsettled spirit, far too little sleep, and a fifth period class that is always on the brink of mutiney. This day is too long. I still have two more classes, a 10 mile run after school, sprint down to the city where I am supposed to meet a fellow teacher and her grandson at the homeless coffee house and hang out with bums, sprint back to my house to talk to my writing coach.

This is where I finally lose it. My students were supposed to be quiet for 60 minutes while they took a benchmark test. I started the "Three Strikes You're Out" countdown, and had to write two referrals. I get through the class, and grab my water bottle. Its gone. I become positive my fifth period stole my water bottle. I take an hour long treck through a loop of retracing my steps. First to my first period class, then down the hall to the computer lab, then back to my fifth period class, then to my cart, then back to my first period class. I become convinced that someone in my 5th period class stole my brand new stainless-steel waterbottle that cost 25 bucks, plus I already sent the water bottle back to the company because it broke, so I had some energy invested in it!!

I marched down to the Assistent Principal in a rage and told him that my 5th period class stole my water bottle. "I hate them!!" I raged! The security officer, Mr. Kipp got a list of my class and started hunting down students one-by-one to find the culprit. I tried to be productive. I made copies, kept busy with chores, attempted to get something done. I got called from the main office...someone found my water bottle in the women's faculty bathroom! Of course I left it there! After I had raged all around the school about how much I hate kids, accused my fifth period of theivery, wasted my whole prep period retracing my steps, and found the blackest pit of rage in my soul and sat there for a while, I realized my mistake. I had to go back and admit to the Vice Principal that I was a horrible beast today. I wrote the teacher I was going to take to the homeless coffeehouse and told her that I couldn't go. I called Sara, who is running the shift at the homeless coffeehouse that my teacher friend would be there, but that I couldn't handle it. Luckily my running partner canceled the run. I bribed my 9th period class and told them if they were quiet for their 60 minute test we could go outside for the last 30 min. Then I am going to get out of here as fast as I can, and go to bed until my writing appointment. I am going to sleep all night, go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and go on a run. I am going to stop self medicating with coffee every morning. I am going to get some pattern to my life.

God help me.