Letter to SMS

Dear Sister Maris Stella,

I think about you often, but haven't gotten myself to write. Lazy? Busy? Intimidated? Confused? Sorting? Manic? Unsettled? Probably. But, life looks different right now than it ever has. First, I have a little relief from my food addiction. I have to take it day at a time--even though I sense God's grace, I know every day I have a decision to trust God or something else. I can easily go back to food. New addictions have surfaced (taken the place?). I have had some alcohal issues, and have decided I need to quit drinking. Also, I am trying to manage my sexuality in ways I have not had to in the past. Partly because I used candy to avoid dealing with my sexuality. Partly because I have a boyfriend, which brings me to another thing that has changed in my life. Finally, I decided to go back to school and finish my counseling degree, with an emphasis on school counseling. In the mean time, instead of getting a job, I have decided to pursue my writing (and try to get a few things published) and art (maybe put together a show.)

So first, food. I went to an alcohalics anonymous retreat in February. It reminded me of the power of confessing to and leaning on others. I finally understood the the value of religion in my life. I met a girl at the retreat who took me to a Food Addicts Anonymous meeting. I thought this might work a lot better than Overeaters Anonymous. It was scary!! Super regimented! The group told you exactly what to eat, when to eat, what to think, how to spend over 20 hours a week of your life in various program obligations, and demanded strict obedience. I guess you could say they are the "Regnum Christie" of food addictions groups. I cried because I was upset it wouldn't work for me, and that I almost joined a soul-crushing group (not to everyone, but to me.) I decided to call Robin, who goes to my church. I knew she was in Overeater's Anonymous, because at the retreat this year, she saw me reading some literature, and stepped in to ask me some questions. I shared with her that I was a food addict, and we talked. I hadn't follwed up with her, but after my Food Addict's Anonymous experience, I was desperate to have her advice!

I started using an online food diary where I can track my calories. I have a set amount I am trying to eat every day, with a balance of carbs, protien and fat. It has been great, because it is like a budget, and it helps me face my food honestly. I like this. I call Robin every morning and check in. I talk about problems or questions I have from the day before, as well as tell her my food choices for the day. She is very supportive. I noticed I started unraveling last week. She said, "Don't consider it a failure, just know that you have to add one of the other tools of the program to help you." Here are the tools of the program: Plan of eating (I am doing good on this) Sponser (yes) Meeting (I went to my first one this week) Telephone (I want to start using this--calling one struggling friend or OA person a night) Writing (when I write I feel better...but I am not writing much...I need to make time) Literature (again, reading the big book) Anonymity (I don't get this) Service (I serve kids all day long--but I get paid to do it. I need to give time that I am not getting paid to give. I don't know what this looks like now). I feel really good about the meeting I went to yesterday! I loved the format. We met in a 100 year old church. Each person took turns reading a page of the Big Book (the main Alcoholic's Anonymous book) and discussing how it applied to their lives for about 3 minutes. We went around the circle like that, each person taking turns, first reading a page, then sharing. Aside from the honesty of the group, the thing that was so neat about the format was that no one was allowed to "cross-talk"--or comment on other people. No advice, sympathy, empathy. Just active listening. After the meeting, there was time for those things. It struck me how rare it is for people to share without others doing a lot of talking, advicing, know-it-alling afterwards. I look forward to going next week.

Next, I have entered some special relationships. First, Sara is the special education teacher that I work with. I have come to really care about her. About 1.5 months ago, Sara and I started spending a lot of time together. She was in a difficult (emotionally abusive?) four-year relationship, and started grilling me about God and Jesus. I have never had someone ask the kind of pointed, straight-out-of-the-Gospels-and-Romans questions that she has. "So we are all sinners?" "Only Christians go to heaven?" "If we get forgiven for everything, wont that cause us to sin even more?" "Why do they call it "Good Friday" if Jesus died then?" "What's palm Sunday?" "Was Jesus Jewish?" "Were there Catholics in Jesus' day?" "What are the little numbers between sentances in the Bible?" "What exactly do I have to do to accept Jesus?" "Do you think I should pursue chastity?"

Then, Sara set me up with her friend. This guy was the only other Christian that she knew. "You guys are both virgins, it will be perfect!" didn't exactly convince me. He is an actor, and we went to his play, which was called, "Ten Pin Alley." It was a story about these 10 bowling pins whose whole existence centers around the paranoia of when they will get knocked down next. There were all these different personalities. There was a Army General Pin, a Dominatrix pin, a red-neck pin. The red neck kept on using all these racial slurs about "blackie" which in this case was the black bowling ball. He was a flamboyant homosexual pin. He was wearing this tight pink t-shirt tied up to his chest, these really short jean shorts, with glitter all over his belly, rainbow socks, and combat boots. He was really funny, but, again, I didn't really know what to expect. We went out afterwards to mexican, and then played scrabble at Sara's.

We have been hanging out for about five weeks now. We are both really busy, so we only end up spending time together about one or two nights a week. What do I like about him? Well he is very kind, and funny. He went to a fundamentalist Christian school his whole life, and still strives to follow Jesus which is saying something. He is passionate about acting, and I like that. We can have tough conversations. He is emotionally brave--he talks about his fears, flaws, hard stuff. I can tell him if something is bothering me. He is honest. I know his flaws. He cares about changing. There are things that I don't like, for sure, but I am holding them loosely, since finding faults comes so easy to me I know I won't forget them.

This weekend, he bought me some really pretty earrings, and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. That was cute. This week we are going to a play on Thursday. I am hoping he can come to church Sunday and then we can have lunch with John. He hasn't met John yet, and that is an important meeting for me.

I can't wait until I am done teaching this year!! I am unhappy teaching. Part of the reason I am unhappy is because it is a ton of work, and I am not passionate about the work. I don't care about math. I do want the kids to learn, but I don't really feel like devoting my life to teaching kids math. I don't feel like fighting them every day!! Its just not what I am passionate about. I do love helping kids do grief work, talking through existential despair, God, questions about growing up, etc. Its a wierd time to quit a good job and try living off student loans, but what the heck, I'm going to to do it! Hanging out with Boyfriend has been good because he gives everything he has to acting, but he still has to have a job at Lowes to pay his bills. He has all these artist friends who are dedicated to their craft. One friend is a photographer. We went to his art opening--I didn't think it was very good! I kept on thinking, "I could do this!" "I should do this!!"

I plan on trying to make some extra money with art and writing. I am scared, but if I don't try now, I will never do it! This summer I am going to put together a portfolio of some of the work I have done, and make some new pieces. There are so many little galleries that I could try and get my work into, I am going to focus on putting enough together to make a show. Then writing--I will keep working with the really good writing coach who has helped me in the past, and I will try and become more consistent about getting something on paper every day.

Jodi is doing pretty good. She is sill off-and-on crazy, but we are maintaining relationship with her. The bills are getting high enough to where my parents have to do something different. You can pray for that...finances of funding my sister. She wrote a children's book and sent it to me called "Go With the Flow". I was very scared to read it, because its about a woman's menstral cycle. But it wasn't scary. she set it in an african village, and talked plainly about the process of growing into a woman--not gross or vulgar. Its a reminder that my sister is very bright and talented...underneath all the crazy.

I can't remember how long its been. I miss you. I will come see you this summer, can you let me know when I could see you in July? I would love to give my friend a hug. I will be in NYC in July if you can make time for me!